AAR
AFTER ACTION REVIEW ( AAR )
No doubt I was frustrated. Thwarted. It lasted for a while. The cure was my sleep I guess. Had a long one. Didn't feel like waking up. Even then, my sleep was visited by dreams that I never thought would come. I was very sure that I wasn't angry with her. Neither was I angry with myself. And it was then that I realized that I may be angry because I cannot take out the blame on anyone or even anything. It happened because it just happens.
I wasn't angry with her. Even though I cursed and swear. Sheesh...I'm so abashed of myself. So damn childish. Nevermind. She wasn't to be blamed. She had her reasons. I respect her decisions or whatever it is.
I wasn't livid with myself. That is very translucent. No question at all. I did all I could. I prepared everything, did my homework and done what was within my capabilities. It was pretty tricky when I went about doing it all. Very high hurdles I must say.
In between my fluctuating states of anger, I managed to take an overview. And this question instantaneously pops up. Why am I angry with such a tiny itsy bitsy thing? So I spent the whole night thinking and thinking in that bloody state of ire that I supposedly should not be in. I was blessed to have found several answers. Perhaps i did a lot to set up that part of the future. That very few hours. Perhaps I was going way far beyond my imagination. I did too much. Worried too much. Way too much. But then again, you wouldn't know till you've tried and done your best. So I guess I didn't regret doing too much.
But then, I came up with other reasons. I thought that this may be the last chance for her. Last chance for what? I shrugged. Perhaps it was her last chance of saving herself from getting dissapointed? Maybe...but it may be the last chance for me too. The last chance to have a talk or rather turn things around. Settle everything and make everything alright. Because there is a very slim chance of getting this near-perfect scenario. Maybe I was angry because of that. Or maybe there's another reason. Maybe because it happened before, a couple of times. Twice I think...I ain't going to elaborate on these major events. Won't take them into consideration cause I feel that it's rather unfair.
When Mission Runaway Goose was over, several options and thoughts came into my mind. Being in that state of ire mixed with disappointment, there's no surprise that there were ''mean'' moves that I thought of making.
I thought of taking ''revenge''.
I thought of turning the table.
I thought of calling for a war.
I thought of hurting her.
I thought of abdication.
I thought of shutting myself from the world.
I thought of letting my heart get inured.
I thought of not being happy again.
I thought of being a person handicapped of laughter.
I thought that maybe this was all a conspiracy.
I thought my feelings were being played with, manipulated.
But then, each time those negative thoughts appeared right in front of my face, I shove it away and give it a one hard kick on the ass. How can I think so badly of my friends? So I decided, I will just accept whatever it is. I want to be just me. You've done what you could, I told myself. Give a pat on your back. It has all happened. Can't reverse the time. Grieve as much as you want. And then get on from there. It's a learning experience. Indeed it was.
Like I've mentioned earlier, this stuff had crept into my dreams. I dreamt that my family and relatives all know about me and her. I also dreamt that people or rather teenagers I think ( I've no idea who they are ), spurring me on to ''get along'' with her. And i don't know why in that dream, I had so called neglected NCC. It was like I was to inform my platoonmates of the affirmation ceremony and I myself had forgotten about it. But then, my affirmation ceremony was like years ago. So this part is like out of place. Nevertheless it was like a symbolism that I had neglected NCC. But in reality, I don't know. I don't think I have.
I've no idea what's going to happen next. My brain's conked out. I was still in bad shape this morning but my state has improved. I must circumvent this and the only way I know is to wrought my soul to look at the spectacle of positivity. I managed. After this, I won't know whether I'll be the same again. It depends on how much have this affect me and my speed of recovery. It may seemed that I may not be affected by this. But no one knows the hardest battles that I've fought. I can't bring others into this can I? Anyway, there were alot more to say I suppose, but perhaps they have no direct relation to this. Hmm..another bad March I guess...Hahahaz...or maybe it's just the way I see it.
::: I'll force a smile :::
No doubt I was frustrated. Thwarted. It lasted for a while. The cure was my sleep I guess. Had a long one. Didn't feel like waking up. Even then, my sleep was visited by dreams that I never thought would come. I was very sure that I wasn't angry with her. Neither was I angry with myself. And it was then that I realized that I may be angry because I cannot take out the blame on anyone or even anything. It happened because it just happens.
I wasn't angry with her. Even though I cursed and swear. Sheesh...I'm so abashed of myself. So damn childish. Nevermind. She wasn't to be blamed. She had her reasons. I respect her decisions or whatever it is.
I wasn't livid with myself. That is very translucent. No question at all. I did all I could. I prepared everything, did my homework and done what was within my capabilities. It was pretty tricky when I went about doing it all. Very high hurdles I must say.
In between my fluctuating states of anger, I managed to take an overview. And this question instantaneously pops up. Why am I angry with such a tiny itsy bitsy thing? So I spent the whole night thinking and thinking in that bloody state of ire that I supposedly should not be in. I was blessed to have found several answers. Perhaps i did a lot to set up that part of the future. That very few hours. Perhaps I was going way far beyond my imagination. I did too much. Worried too much. Way too much. But then again, you wouldn't know till you've tried and done your best. So I guess I didn't regret doing too much.
But then, I came up with other reasons. I thought that this may be the last chance for her. Last chance for what? I shrugged. Perhaps it was her last chance of saving herself from getting dissapointed? Maybe...but it may be the last chance for me too. The last chance to have a talk or rather turn things around. Settle everything and make everything alright. Because there is a very slim chance of getting this near-perfect scenario. Maybe I was angry because of that. Or maybe there's another reason. Maybe because it happened before, a couple of times. Twice I think...I ain't going to elaborate on these major events. Won't take them into consideration cause I feel that it's rather unfair.
When Mission Runaway Goose was over, several options and thoughts came into my mind. Being in that state of ire mixed with disappointment, there's no surprise that there were ''mean'' moves that I thought of making.
I thought of taking ''revenge''.
I thought of turning the table.
I thought of calling for a war.
I thought of hurting her.
I thought of abdication.
I thought of shutting myself from the world.
I thought of letting my heart get inured.
I thought of not being happy again.
I thought of being a person handicapped of laughter.
I thought that maybe this was all a conspiracy.
I thought my feelings were being played with, manipulated.
But then, each time those negative thoughts appeared right in front of my face, I shove it away and give it a one hard kick on the ass. How can I think so badly of my friends? So I decided, I will just accept whatever it is. I want to be just me. You've done what you could, I told myself. Give a pat on your back. It has all happened. Can't reverse the time. Grieve as much as you want. And then get on from there. It's a learning experience. Indeed it was.
Like I've mentioned earlier, this stuff had crept into my dreams. I dreamt that my family and relatives all know about me and her. I also dreamt that people or rather teenagers I think ( I've no idea who they are ), spurring me on to ''get along'' with her. And i don't know why in that dream, I had so called neglected NCC. It was like I was to inform my platoonmates of the affirmation ceremony and I myself had forgotten about it. But then, my affirmation ceremony was like years ago. So this part is like out of place. Nevertheless it was like a symbolism that I had neglected NCC. But in reality, I don't know. I don't think I have.
I've no idea what's going to happen next. My brain's conked out. I was still in bad shape this morning but my state has improved. I must circumvent this and the only way I know is to wrought my soul to look at the spectacle of positivity. I managed. After this, I won't know whether I'll be the same again. It depends on how much have this affect me and my speed of recovery. It may seemed that I may not be affected by this. But no one knows the hardest battles that I've fought. I can't bring others into this can I? Anyway, there were alot more to say I suppose, but perhaps they have no direct relation to this. Hmm..another bad March I guess...Hahahaz...or maybe it's just the way I see it.
::: I'll force a smile :::