I'm back now just for a short while. Don't think its a good to just type out all my variety of feelings here. It's best to keep it within me...before morons exploit them. I pray they'd be sent back to the depths of hell. Let them burn...

I've been on the brink of total break down recently to the extent that it was brought in to class. And some person just laughs off at my sorrows. Do other people's sorrows make one feel ecstatic? May be true to those who has a lost screw(s) in their head.

Sorry to SOME of my peeps for making you all feel much less happy on the last few days of which I was totally at the bottom of the pits. The shit had just hit the fan. Sorry to make you all so worried about me. Specially to Ms Chua, sorry for bringing some sadness in your class. What could I do? Give fake smiles? The impact of it was just too much for me to handle at that time. My capacity for holding back to the exposures of my feelings was overloaded. Well, I could have just punch someone. It just happens that I was quite good at bracing myself. I was incapacitated of laughter or even smiles. I guess my facial expression had gave way. But it was better rather than having me showing my full apathy or anger whatsoever...trust me, I'd have a much 'blacker' face than that...

Thanks to those who were concern about my condition. Seriously didn't think that you all would care at all. Now, I know better who my real friends are. For me now, its not those who are near, because they just appear to be that close, its the distant people who posses that EQ just enough to see the bitter part of my life. And I failed to turn up for the Geog meeting group last Saturday. Sorry...I seriously forgot about it. Didn't have any intention of making you all feel worried or what...there's nothing to worry about, my presence or absence wont' be of much difference. I have yet to establish myself as someone of much worth. D, PY, XQ, C, HaN, KS...thanks for trying to make me feel a bit better.

I wonder if this is the payabck that I'm suppose to receive...perhaps the right ones will be in the future times ahead? Hope so...

Love relationships have a lot of varieties, possibly like how unique our fingerprints are. There are so many types to it and the list just goes on. Love does a lot in changing people's lives and it has done very much since the birth of Adam and Eve.

Some may qustion what is really the feeling of love? But to me, that's a rather unfair question. It's the same as asking what is the true feeling of happiness. Similar to asking, what is sadness? The thing is, words can never really describe or represent what one's feelings are. The words attached to it acts as a link so that we human beings are able to relate to one another.

Love is one of the major factors that steers your life. It's like the weather, sometimes it allows you a smooth sail but at other times it just doesn't. Love can make one realize of the many things that life has to offer. It garners courage. It commands respect. It blows bliss. It stabs pain. There really is so much that love has done, will do, can do and so on. Love can be your saviour but it can be the cause of death too.

Love takes up a lot of forms. Different people show it differently. Some keep it to themselves while others proclaim. It takes alot to of courage to love. Partaking in it means opening the doors to happiness; and also the backdoor to which at times it escapes, sucked out by evil forces and what have them. Some just prefer to let their actions speak for them. It's more than words that means a lot.

More Than Words

Saying I love you,
Is not the words,
I want to hear from you,
It's not that I want you,
Not to say but if you only knew,
How easy, it would be to show me how you feel,

More than words,is all you have to do, to make it real,
Then you wouldn't have to say, that you love me,
I'd already know,

What would you do, if my heart was torn in two,
More than words to show you feel,
That your love for me is real,
What would you say, if I took those words away,

Then you couldn't make things new,
Just by saying I love you,

It's more than words,
It's more than what you say,
It's the things you do,oh yeah,
It's more than words,
It's more than what you say,
It's the things you do,oh yeah,

Now that I've tried to,talk to you and make you understand,
All you have to do, is close your eyes,
And just reach out your hands, and touch me,
Hold me close don't ever let me go,
More than words, is all I ever needed you to show,
Then you wouldn't have to say, that you love me,
Cause I'd already know,

...To them, silence speaks more.

It is sad to see how love traps people, sometimes causing them to lose their lives, careers and etc. It makes life more interesting to live in, to have to deal with all this stuff. It's one of the things that sums up the value of humanity. As much as we'd like love to bring happiness it has also the potential of throwing people into the pits. Many have died in the battles of love, literally and figuratively. Some lose their love ones forever. Lose it to others, lose it to circumstances and lose it to fate and destiny.

Incomplete

Empty spaces fill me up with holes
Distant faces with no place left to go
Without you within me I can’t find no rest
Where I’m going is anybody’s guess

I’ve tried to go on like I never knew you
I’m awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I’m going to be is incomplete

Voices tell me I should carry on
But I am swimming in an ocean all alone
Baby, my baby It’s written on your face
You still wonder if we made a big mistake

I’ve tried to go on like I never knew you I’m awake but my world is half asleep I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I’m going to be is incomplete
I don’t mean to drag it on, but I can’t seem to let you go
I don’t want to make you face this world alone I want to let you go (alone)
I’ve tried to go on like I never knew you
I’m awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I’m going to be is incomplete
Incomplete...

When this kinda a thing crosses your life, be brave and move on.

Love has triggered my mind to think of the many aspects of life. It shows both the beauty and horendous sight of it. I've no control in the outcome. But what I can do is to pick up from experiences and use it as guidance. It won't be of much help because people differs from one another. I've not regret since I've started on this journey. I do what I feel and know is right. Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes, it's just meant to be that way.

" Love, the magician, knows this little trick whereby two people walk in different directions yet always remain side by side. "

Suddenly the idea of the following poem came up when I was on the way home. Played basketball with Shahid,his cousin and Hanafi. Kinda fun but it seems that me and Shahid is being hit by bad luck. So many shots yet only a few hoop in. Getting to like basketball, its quite fun.

The Lift

The lift was structured
Room enough for two.
And slowly it climbs.

Up and up it goes.
Sliding along the cables.
Robust and tough it was.

Lights were bright and hopeful.
Design was classy and pristine.
Immaculately built it was.

It passed the high mountains,
Through the towering clouds,
Into the stratosphere.

Then, it jerked.
Halt.
The lift,
Hung onto the cable.
It started to, fray.

Lights flickered.
Colour drained.

Swooosh!!!

It went down,
Tugged by gravity.
Sucked down,
All the way.
Now way of stopping.

Wham!!!
It crashes right into the earth.
So severe,
The lift,
To dust.

Ok..I've a feeling that's crap..well, who cares..hahaz :)

::: Predictable :::

Feel like passing through space. No forces acting on me but I'm moving steadily through. No presence of power-just moving on and on.

I would just like to share a few simple words elicited from some book. Kind of describe my present condition.

" If it is not given me to know the course of time, then the best I can do is to be attentive, to watch carefully what is happening, to feel out the direction, to sense what movement I can. "

No use ramming the wall head on again and again in the darkness. The best thing to do is to be on my feet. Going against the wall with hope that it would break down is not entirely favourable. For the wall itself may be in place for my own protection. The best is to stay cool.

Very tempted to wage a war. Do whatever it takes to hurt. I'm even presented with clear chances. But my conscience is still with me. And as long as I'm not yet senile, I'll do anything to deter myself from inflicting pain unless its inevitable. So far I've manage to oust such evil desires. Perhaps what's stopping me is the following doctrine that had been planted in me.

" When the impulse to hurt and I follow that, I feel like a betrayer, and the I has gone out of me."

A few more months left. As much as I don't want to, I hope it'll be over soon.

It has been quite a while since I felt what I felt yesterday towards the class. Pretty frustrated. Luckily there was still energy left to contain and lock it down inside me. And I'm starting to seriously dislike her. Damn...she's so freaking petty and rigid. Can't she be more flexible? I just hope I won't be push into despising her. This is definitely beyond doubt the worst time for such things.

It has been quite a while since Mr Singh taught me. Today's session of about an hour or so was great. I didn't realize that I had turned more quiet now. Nevermind... I 'll just try to make more noise. But I don't think the people around where I' m seating now in class will aquiesce to that. Sometimes I can be a nuisance. If there are to be more of such sessions I'll try to be more engaging. I guess I'm just glad that you came back to teach again even for just perhaps one lesson. Really enjoyed being in your class. It's still a wonder that I could still think even though its given that it was at the end of the day.And yes Mr Singh I do still like girls. I don't think you would expect me to like boys right? And no I wasn't "looking monsterously at some girl infront" of me. What the heck? You don't happen to know about that too, do you? Hahaz..I would like it very much if you could take over our class but I think wishes will remain as wishes. Not that other teachers are lousy or what but it's just that I'm comfortable with your style of teaching. I think you manage to bring back my literatical senses back to me. That's kinda cool. Thanks... :)

Have been taking painkillers of songs. Music is just getting greater by the day.

::: As much as I like you, I would like to forget you :::

Went to JP yesterday to catch War of the Worlds with a couple of friends. It was like a small reunion. It wasn't that happening but it was worth it. I am kinda glad that my former class is quite close-knitted cuz after the 'O's it'll be easier to get together. And too bad TW couldnt' make it...awww...YC was there you know? Hahaz..juz kidding...no girls came...my friends didn't manage to contact them. Apparently they were busy and stuff...

And yeah, I saw KK for the first time in like 3+ years? Woah..he really had changed a lot. the last time I met him, he was like the very chubby and rounded kinda guy. Not fat but very round and cute. Hahaz..like very bouncy...If I remembered correctly, he used to walk like a pregnant woman...not as bad but slightly...anyway...he changed a hell lot. From about 70+ kg in P6 to 50+ kg now...and he didn't go for any slimming course or what-so-ever. So after meeting up, we went to Banquet to have lunch...talked about a lot of stuff and yeah we had joy and laughter in the menu other than food. So we enquired KK on how come he become so slim. It was a very funny story...the way he told us made it more hilarious. His grandma always cook and the only thing that she cook for his family everyday is fish and veges. Day in day out its the same the reason being his uncle always brings fish home. I wonder how he managed to live without meat. Then since he enrolled in NHS, he was in the TAF club which requires its members to run 1.6 km per day after school. No wonder he lost a lot of weight. But the good thing is he is as chatty as before.

Oh and the movie...not that bad but when I got home I realized that the movie had not much of dialouges compared to other movies and the ending was kinda sucky..expected more...then during the movie..there's this malay lady which keeps giving comments...luckily it wasn't criticism..cuz it'll be more irritating then..the papers rated it about 3 and a half stars? Yeah..I kinda agree with that.it could even be 3...

Mengapa kau masih berligar di mindaku?

::: Everything isn't up to you :::

Don't feel like blogging lately for fear that people might 'play' with me again. Anyway, things have been happening lately. I don't really feel anything. Crap...cant form my sentences properly....oh well..I'll just start...

I went JP recently and met Mdm Rahayu. Pretty like she had been before only that she has gone fat..oops..I mean she's pregnant. And yeah..I'm taller than her? Muahaha....and she still remembers me well...how nice...

Mdm Ros was tipped off regarding me reading my textbooks as a study method for Geography. I was taken aback because well..I don't know...anyway, that method works for me...that aside, she went on saying that she was told by her secret agent that I was stronger in Human geog compared to Physical Geog. That is sort off wrong because the reason why my Geography grade is sliding is due to the Human Geog component...whatever it is, she wants me to study my 3 topics that I've selected from Physical Geog and 1 from Human Geog. Arghh...so much work..and deadline is next week. I'm screwed big time. Another person going hot on my heels.

It was NCC Day yesterday or SAF Day for that matter. I felt anxious during the assembly even though I'm not involved. Perhaps I was afraid that they might just cock up. Relatively they did quite well...the mistakes are not apparent I think. Well, it could have been worst. But seriously I was very restless throughout the whole thing. The dismissal of the NCC cadets finally gave me a sense of relief. Anyway, Nick..your command was kinda clear..tt's good but you dragged it for too long. then when I look at TL reading the message, his hand was trembling but funnily, it was not congruent to his voice. His voice was steady and articualtion was fantastic. The rest of the company did well too. When taking the NCC pledge, you all did it with a unanimous voice and seriously it was quite loud. During the small ceremony, I could sense the awe in the audience, listening to every word that was conquering the air waves. There was a kind of respectable silence that swept across the whole parade square. I'm proud of you guys...

Read an article on BH yesterday evening. Submitted by a person I know. It was pretty good and it gives me a clearer picture of her family. And somehow this reflects something pertaining to Islam. She is married to a Chinese and a year back, her husband passed away. When they got married, the husband converted to a Muslim. And through the article she went on to write her feelings and thoughts about the whole thing. I didnt' really thought that it would affect her that badly but I guess...true love causes heart wrenching pain. Anyway, before her husband went to the other world, he managed to hand down this particular set of words to his children. It means a lot, to me, and definitley I agree with him.

He said this,

"You can marry whoever you want, whichever race, but they must be a Muslim."

That sentence being spoken by a converted Muslim, showed how much faith he has in that religion. And how he was really affected by it. It tells me that Islam has showed him something beautiful and that he has a very good impression of it to the extent he wants his children to be married to a Muslim no matter what. To me, for a "new"( I don't know what's the best term to use) Muslim to say something like that, is pretty wonderful. Many people has a lot of misconceptions regarding Islam. It seems Islam is tedious and troublesome and violent and bla bla bla...well, as far as my knowledged goes..they are totally the opposite. We are not allowed to eat pork and its likes for a good reason. Health reasons that is. Islam is practical. Its beliefs are as such so that it serves the humankind. If you are one of those who misjudged the Muslims for some other bad image, think again. What you see may not be the truth. Seeing is believing doest not apply here. I can assure you a 100% that Islam is not as bad as what you think. Its not bad at all...

Anyway, focusing more towards the sentence itself, I feel that it is very apt. And yeah, I agree with him whole heartedly. I also heard that he didn't agree with engagements. He didn't had one himself. I agree with that too... I don't see engagemnets serving to any proper and essential purpose. If you want to egt amrried with someone, grab his/her heart and go straight to ROM. For me, I'd do away with those engagement stuff...its not even "compulsory"...

Some things to say, not related to anything above:

I feel so blessed. After it happened you came to break my fall. Thanks a lot.

I'm sorry too because in my mind I had the idea of "using" you. I feel guilty for that. Your entry was a safety net.

You mean so little to me now. Complete hostility. I feel so dissapointed in you. You're not as good as I thought you would be.*Shakes head*

You told me that everyone wants to help me but you know what I feel, everyone is out to get me. How ironic can things get?

Your presence puts me in discomfort. Sometimes it even irks me to see you. Solution. Don't see you.

As of now, I have to be careful of what I say to you....you're kinda cunning? "THANKS" for being my friend.

Such vital info and you kept it from me. If I didn't ask no one is going to tell me right? What the hell do you think you people are doing back there??!!!!!!!!!

Note: The sentences are directed to different people.

Thats it.

::: Love. Sometimes you can hear it in a question :::