Wow...I'm just surprised at how good my instincts are...really...couldn't believe it...hmm..must have mastered the art of it..tried to repel such ideas...succeed..but I shouldnt have, should I? The very idea that I threw away came back and slap my god damn face. Wow...amazing..amazing...

Wow...lucky I didn't...hmm shouldn't say it....

Wow...

I really can't believe it...well have to start now...at times...reality can be more unbelievable than fiction...wow...surprised...amazed...

I've the every right I guess to drop atomic bombs but hey...that won't make it any better...so ya...ya...

Couldn't have been at a better time I guess...so I've seeked the truth and there it was right inside my pocket...how can I not believe it? Damn I'm so dumb...

oh well...

seeked the truth,

found the truth...

Funny how people don't do things congruent to the words coming out from their mouth...

I guess its just difficult to abide to what you say...

I got to spectacles now...one a clear one..the other sunglasses...

the clear one...i'll take that...see it as freeom..yeah..freedom..

the sunglasses..not very good..cuz..well its black...negative connotation and well seeing through it means taking the situation as being abandoned...

Well, so much for it...well...I'll just have to wait for the payback....yeah..no doubt I'll get it sooner or later...

So, full steam ahead? Aye Aye captain...

Gd luck...gd luck...

::: WoW :::

I watched 2 movies this morning. Both were good. The longest Yard; and inspirational show and National Treasure; an interesting one. Too bad I couldn't watch Ong Bak because there's some problem with the dvd. I could have clocked in more than 300 minutes of movie watching.

One of the worse rated movies that I've ever known is this one called "Assumptions". At other times its more to illusions. Contemplating on it, I found out that the directo is this guy by the name of Mr. Insecurity. He should be famous, isn't he?

Mr Insecurity is a very talented and immortal being. He can create movies which are both helpful and harmful to the ordinary world. He has the magic to inveigle the human minds and gently forcing them to act on the basis of permutations and the movies of which he produces. "Assumptions" has a lot of series and it varies from person to person. That's because Mr Insecurity is innate in every single human body existing on this very planet. So if anyone purports to be insecurtiy -free, you'll know they're pulling your leg. The only difference is that, some of the Mr Insecurity in certain people are well under controlled. These people keep the propaganda of those films to a minimum. They possess powerful minds.

Like many other things, Mr Insecurity can be that extra hand that feeds you or otherwise. Mr Insecurity can drive you nuts. Often, people feel insecure and by that, it means that they fear that whatever they have planned out to happen in the future, will fail. But then the fact is, you can only control life to a certain extent or more appropiately, small extent. Ad so this just proves that all humans are insecure for many parts of their lives.

You can see by the way many people do things, the things that would prevent their plans from failing. They will make sure, at all costs, that whatever they want to happen in the future will happen. There's nothing wrong with that- yet. It only gets ugly when people become over-insecure.

When you're overly insecure, it can be pretty bad. That's because when you're overly insecure, your mind will stray and pop up assumptions that are not favourable. The R(A) rated kind of assumptions. When people start to react with accordance to these, they can say alot of bad things to others and at times it will lead them to lose friends and their loved ones. The problem now is that, the bad assumptions may just be a fantasy; a mere assumptions itself. It may not be even be the real situation that is taking place. Assumptions are just possibilities. the truth is, assumptions are rarrely accurate and there's no way one can elicit the real situation by using just assumptions. To want to know the truth, one has to seek the truth itself. Whatever it is, one advice is, do not allow your actions to react to your bad and ugly assumptions before the truth makes its public appearance.

Of course, assumptions are not all ominous and bad. They can of course be of help at times. it prepares the mind to accept any upheavals that may appear. Good assumptions can even rescue lives and much of other things. Assumptions are sometimes made so as to move ahead. Assumptions means taking risks. With risks, comes chances, and within those chances, comes success. Assumptions are also used to form back up plans. When something fails, at least there is something to fall on. Assumptions really work in a weird way I must say, just like many other things in the world.

I've occasionally heard about females wanting to have a spouse that is not insecure or what have you. Well, let me say this, you're like searching a needle in a haystack. The only difference is that, there's no needle. Everyone has their own insecurities, its just a matter of how well they handle it. It's your call ladies, to believe or not to believe it. If you choose not to, have fun time searching.

:::Time and again one has to be torn apart by the facts:::

Don't Dream It's Over

Written by: Neil Finn

There is freedom within, there is freedom without
Try to catch the deluge in a paper cup
There's a battle ahead, many battles are lost
But you'll never see the end of the road
While you're travelling with me

Chorus
Hey now, hey now
Don't dream it's over
Hey now, hey now
When the world comes in
They come, they come
To build a wall between us
We know they won't win

Now I'm towing my car, there's a hole in the roof
My possessions are causing me suspicion but there's no proof
In the paper today tales of war and of waste
But you turn right over to the T.V. page

Hey now, hey now
Don't dream it's over
Hey now, hey now
When the world comes in
They come, they come
To build a wall between us
We know they won't win

Now I'm walking again to the beat of a drum
And I'm counting the steps to the door of your heart
Only the shadows ahead barely clearing the roof
Get to know the feeling of liberation and relief

Hey now, hey now
Don't dream it's over
Hey now, hey nowWhen the world comes in
They come, they come
To build a wall between us
Don't ever let them win



My evil soul is back to stay....for good? Hope not...
Should I forget about you?
Shut up syamil.

::: Down but not out :::

" It isn't grandeur and glory that give a life its eternal mark, but the love or lovelessness of minuscule encounters that mount up day by day."

I kinda agree with the extract above. Taken from "Love and Courage" by Hugh Prahter. I think it is rather true but I don't think people are aware of it.

Many people partake in doing good deeds for a gamut of reasons. As a matter-of-fact, the reasons can both be rotten and merely out of pure kindness. Nevertheless, nothing is to be worried about because whatever we do, for whatever purpose, it is going back to us. Our actions are like boomerangs, once thrown, they will come back. The only difference is the level of which it returns. Back to your palm or at the neck.

It has always been my belief that everything in the world will be fair ultimately. Eventually, everything will be in equilibrium. It is this belief that sometimes halts me from hurting others, physically, emotionally and at other times spiritually. So in the end, kindness wil be paid back with the same currency and foul actions applies for the same scheme.

Kindness with the accompaniment of merit intentions have always been a great investment. In our pursuit for our dreams and desires, it is always good to have kindness in the pack list. It will help you in your voyage or at times it can even be advantageous in your future prospects. The comeback may not be immediate for most of the time but , with no shadows of doubt, it is worthwhile. Kindness is not only constructive but on the other hand, it also deters threats to ypur own happiness. It deletes away opportunities for dissapointment and more than often, it shuts the door to any curse that comes along the way. Kindness have such high capacity of power that it can burn off any malice that revolves around oneself.

Through my perspective, kindness with ill will is a very dangerous game. It can even be fatal. It is the kind of illegal business that uses underhand methods to grab instant results or in most cases wealth. There is no argument that kindness with bad intentions is able to or rather will be going to rob you of much things. It is clear cut that this device if used to get to where you want, is not going to be of much benefit. Nevertheless, morally weak humans often succumb to it To them I've only this to say. " enjoy while it lasts."

Through the passage of time, one will eventually realize that the purest of joy comes from being kind to others. I've always been overwhelmed by euphoria each time I've been kind to anyone. Some way or another, you have made someone else's life brighter and happier and you can feel it too. You feel as though you've won something spectacular and is standing tall at the podium. Even though the most you might get is a sincere "thank you".

Kindness plays an important role in life. There is so much to write about it that one might require rivers of ink.

I have a sense that the following excerpt spectates a kind of kindness..

" Sure the world is full of trouble, but as long as we have people undoing the trouble we have a pretty good world."

Whatever it is, there is one particular thing that kindness does to which I think is very eminent.

Kindness saves the world.

::: Do things with kindness. You'll never regret it. :::

Something happening behind me in my shadows? Nevermind. I don't like to make a judgement too quick. It's getting more lucid by the day. Anyway, I'll trust you guys that you are doing it just because you want to protect me. Or whatever. I'll just wait for that freaking moment. Of course even if there is going to be such a moment.

It seems the most dreaded thing is going to happen... lo and behold...I've a gut feeling I'm going to taste it sooner than I thought it was. Can't you wait till I scram? Hahaz...I have that feeling of losing something again...or rather for now its someone...????

If what I really think is reality, then the fact that I've been blocked away from facing the truth is not doing me any good. Anywayz, I've got some vague pieces of it...kind of able to see the picture already...nevermind..I'll wait for the official thing to happen...

Feeling really fucked up these days and my mouth has not really gone back to norm yet..Why the fuck is it taking so long? Nevermind...at least I can eat..should be thankful...

What the hell...

--- REGURGITATION COMPLETE ---

Took some pics during the camp...thx Clement and his corny cam..hahaz..sorry..

This one is by Hakim..cool izzn't it?

REBOND!!!! Only some will know what the sign means..

Me putting the lanyard for the Outstanding Cadet from the Sec 2s..

Just got back from camp. It was...well...needs a lot of improvement...truthfully, now I can see the leaders emerging from their cacoons..however...you all have to buck up real fast...do it for yourself...your success in the future is in your own hands...we as seniors can't do anything much...in addition, we have our own 'O's to take care of...

Definitely, there were bad and good things in the camp.

The following account on it may not be so good...but take it as an advice or something...whatever it is, all of it is based on what I know and experienced...I'll write about what I had undrgone during the camp...if any of you part Cs happened to read it, hope that you all will benefit from it.

So on Tuesday morning, I went to school early...upon reaching some area near Parc Oasis... I drop off to buy some magazine...no its not FHM..neither has it got to do with porn...well, the cover page showed a mitsubishi evo 9... I thought maybe I could read during any free time during the camp...ither thatn flipping out my hp and go to my picture gallery....

So much for that, I couldn't really read during the camp...apparently, I was damn busy and tired and interestingly, sleepy....

So I had to rush a bit as I had to report at 7 for the Electronics workshop at NHS...So after the workshop at around 2....I booked in officially with Shai...and from there we went to the field to help out in the tent pitching....

Tent pitching...hmmm....

I feel like spouting vulgarities but nvm...

I know the equipment was not suitable or rather all of us were not taught on how to use those newly bought equipment....so we had to improvise....and ya..we wasted a lot of time on that...but what I wasn't content about with actually was that you all didn't adjust to that 'calamity'...what should be done was to adjust the itinery...the schedule should be worked at...because the other junior cadets were waiting for us... I mean..what signal are we giving to them here? And i'm afraid that this will repeat again in the following camps....definitely, this is something to be worked on....

After that we had dinner and I was damn shocked when I get to know that you all are having plain water for the meals...I mean...is it that bad? Something could have been done....and I was dissapointed that none of you took the initiative to do something about it...is it too much to chip in some money to just buy some drink sweetener and ice? I mean you all could have raise funds to buy them...afterall, its your welfare we are talking about here...I know that the budget was very, very, very, very pathetic. But that shouldn't be an excuse, should it? You all have to be more innovative...I hope you'll learn and rectify it the nex time round...and since I'm talking about the meals here....please ensure that you all look through the pack list thoroughly...if you're not sure..consult...afterall. the seniors are there to help...and I'm sure we'll be very glad to do so...

So after dinner, the juniors were released to go for their wash up and after which they had to undergo some theory lessons pertaining to trainfire...I observed and eventually, it turn out to be the seniors teaching instead of you all...but for this I think..it's still quite acceptable...maybe you guys are not that ready yet....but still... buck up...

then after that the juniors were sent to their bunks to turn in....

I slept on the floor of the ncc room...man..it was freaking tiring....shall mention about this later on again...

So next day, woke up at about 4+ and then went to bath...no rush...and then went to 1/5 to pray alone cuz the others were not up yet...anyway I didn't want them to wake up so early..they need the rest for the trainfire test later on at HQ...

So again, like the day before, went down to NHS for the workshop...did something rather meaningful there...got it here at home...no not the 'game set'..its something else....after that went back to school and then they were training on drills...having their prof. test later on that day...I eventually went to the part C to mark for their prof test...it was a mock one....and to those who were under me...I know that I wasn't being nice or rather lenient...but seriously, that is the type of marks you guys are gonna get if you all are not serious about it... even though it was a mock... I expected 100% delivery from all of you...if you all make mistakes i don't mind...which human doesn't make mistakes right? But yo alll were not serious at all...ya..its funny I laughed along with all of you...but then this is your test and I'm just being fair..if that is your attitude..then that is your marks..anyway...the marks are of no importance....nevertheless, I hope you all will tantanount to the desired standards demanded of you...you know what your encik Kenny have said... I believe there isn't a need to elaborate...or rather repeat...

After that dinner and then we sent the juniors to their tents to sleep...after their wash up and all those stuff....because at night we were going to have night pt...

night pt...

designed to change the mindset of cadets...

so that they will have a taste on how to react under harsh conditions...

and so it was carried out.

Prior to that I myself had a short nap. At 2 am, I woke up and I've already seen the part c's getting ready...well done...then at 2: 30..it commenced...it was normal pt and yeah..hell sort of broke loose...it wasn't as intense as the one that the Part D had experienced....because we only had about 90 minutes before sending them back to sleep, the one that I experienced...we didn't had the chance to went back to sleep. We were forced to stay awake. To make it tougher, we were placed in the air-con room of the ava...it was very easy to go into sleep because it was so comfortable....and we were forced to sit upright...

Then, I was involved in the ocbc thingy...went to grab the cadets and then sent them for interview..the panel was all so sleepy...i was the first to tap out...i went out of the classroom and slept there all the way till morning...the corridor was my bed...it was haven for me at that point of time...

Then this morning, the juniors unpitch their tents and packed up after which they proceed on for their AAR...they fill up the survey form and then everyone started preparing for muster parade...shai, hakim, teng chin and me wore on the lanyards for the ocbc people...it was really an honour...after that we all went home....

This is the first camp which I craved so much for sleeping time. Usually, I would be excited to stay up and gaze at the stars and chat with my comrades... but this camp..I'm so exhausted...plus...argh...nvm...yar..I thought I can enjoy watching you all train the juniors..instead we have to do much of the job as well...damn tired..

to the part c...

hope tt this camp is a learning experience for all of u...there is much to be learnt...i see that you all are too lenient to them...you all have to push them..they are slackening and yar...you all have to take things into your own hands..take responsibility, initiate things..make them happen...and don't be afraid to carry out things...because during the camp....you all consulted us too much already..its your camp..you people are the ones running it...we are just there to guide you all...
none of us wishes to overwrite all your plans...you all have to think as though you are already sergeants...becuz...the part ds are already inactive...hope that you all will excel and make us proud...you people will make it...just strive hard and do your best...teamwork..that is very important...never ever fight among yourselves....if the camp in Sept. is on..I hope much improvemnet will be made...

Even though the camp was not that smooth, I didn't regret volunteering...it was time well spent...we were needed and yar...helped out a lot..anyways..i needed to 'get out' of normality for a while...really tired and drained out of energy...my sleep for both nights was like "touch n go"...even though I'm not the one going through the training...I was damn exhausted...den..kept looking at the pic...tok to others abt it...not much but yar...anyways...with the camp over, I guess its back to fixing back my probs...

::: Power without control is futile :::

Got the call..going to get drafted for 3 days. Damn i'm really looking forward for the upcoming days. Going to spend that 72 hours in school. Away from home. Away from stuff that disturbs me. Really can't wait, especially the night hours...I dont' think I'm going to sleep..going to dream with my eyes wide open...woken dreams..is there such a thing? Hahaz..anyway...I'm bringing in homework so I hope I'll do them...

Battle plan is getting a bit distorted but it's manageable. Improving in my run. Kinda happy with that.

I've been contemplating over this word "trust" for quite a while. I find that many of the things that happens in this world are based on this simple 5-letter word. It is a wonder how the world can live on just on this word trust.

Trust is a very powerful and robust tool. Even by the mention of the word, you can feel the energy and confidence that surges and oozes out from it. In fact, it sounds like "thrust" ; signifying drive and connotes a forward movement. Trust does great things. It never fails to have a place in every success groped by mankind. It binds people together, connect them and from it originates a string of relationships. Relationships are concrete because of trust. Trust is the one that shields relationships from the forces of evil namely, hatred, jealousy and the list goes on. Trust is so valuable that it doesn't deserve a place in the worldwide market. It's value is far too high to be in it.

Trust takes a hell lot of time to be existed between people. It doesn't have a stated time. it can take days, weeks, months or even years. Nevertheless, it only takes one and only one incident to break that bridge of trust. It's vulnerable, yes, but no one can do anyhting about it. And that's when forgiveness and acceptance conjures and fix the situation.

The word "trust" has led me on to think that actually no one, no one at all, knows anything. Human knows absolutely nothing. It's all believes, even the sciences. Who can actually confirm for a total 100% that the smallest thing on earth is atom? That may sound outrageous and incredulous, yes I agree, no doubt about it. But that is not really the matter. Who cares anyway?

When couples say that they know each other, I wonder, " really, do they?". To me, I don't think so. It's all about trust. They trust each other, that would be more accurate. Because human behaviour's are always dormant, fluid. They can change anytime. How can you possibily be so sure that your spouse is faithful to you? For all you know, he or she might just be pretending. Nobody can see the heart of others. They never had and never will. It's the trust that makes them believe it, trust is the imperative element that assures them that their partners loves them, cares for them and what have you. Whatever it is, it doesn't matter anyway. Because the truth only lies in one's heart. There's no way that one can know the contents of it. Knowing..there's no such thing. It's just a conventional word.

It's really amazing what trust can do. Whatever it is, trust is what you need to succeed. You need to trust your friends that they are there to help. You have to trust that your coaches are there to guide you and your teachers to teach you. You have to trust your loved ones that they actually lust for you, care for you. Only then will you feel happy.

Trust...earn it and keep it. Do whatever you have to, to prevent it from being shattered. Trust...something that is ceased to exist physically, but its strength and power is more than can be accounted for.

::: Words are not be able to break the bones but it can break the heart :::

Supposed to write this entry days ago but my com won't allow it so here it is...I'll place it in this entry...

Oh yeah..by the way, thanks Kang Sheng for the help..reagrding the com..

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Frankly speaking, I don't know what to say or rather...do..about us...

I don't even know if its getting worse on my side...because my brain seems to shut off.

I don't know how to weave the state I'm in now into words..perfectly..

It seems taht I want you so very much but...i can't see how i can do it 'directly'...

It has become a labyrinth...and i have to go round and round ...in order to get to you..

Even then, its not easy..because in those tunnels of maze...lies a number of monsters...big ones..small ones...ugly ones...

I have a direction in life now..thanks to you...

I've come out with a motley set of permutations...and I'm preparing to face them.

I feel rather guilty for having to resort to this treatment. For having to "put you away" for the moment..physically I suppose...

Just to let you know...I'm tied between my responsibilities-cum-dreams and ..you.

I admit it that it's my fault..for not doing well in my studies...and so now...I'm left wth not much of an option...

But to create the distance...around me...

It's painful for me..and perhaps for u too...especially when you don't deserve this...

I'm sorry...

For putting you in this mess...my mess...

For treating you this way...

Don't take it that I'm blinding myself from you...rather..its more to the other end...

"You are in the middle of the crowd.Perhaps looking around or me...but to no vail. I'm somewhere in there...blended into others..making myself invisible. I can see you...but you can't see me."

Sorry..for any discomfort or grieve thatI've caused...

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Nearly got into another accident couple of days ago..I was verly lucky...I was going to school when I nearly got knocked down by this big motorbike...the sport tourer kind i think...one more second faster and I'll be gone...like one wasn't enough for the day...I got the second one...I was crossing the road with Wilson when the green man was on...then i glanced to the left and saw this approacching car...it don't seem like it wanted to stop and I started to feel uneasy...upon impulse I slowed my walking pace with Wilson doing the same... and true enough the car over short..it screeched to a halt...and we were taken aback... kinda scary...2 in a day... could have been worse....

::: Forgive me and accept it...will you? :::