Had ncc training yesterday. A full one since a very long time ago. That's because I have to go for hockey trainings halfway. My ire had been flared up a bit for the past few days. It was so bad that I felt stabbing like myself. But of course not. I would not do such a thing. I'm in my darkest days currently and I really need some breathing space. One after another. When is it going to stop? I'm getting really tired. Very, very exhausted.

And so I felt that I am being controlled. Told to do this do that. You have to be more tactful and sensitive towards your actions and speeches. I'm not going to explain what's the real problem because I'm really too damn fucked up. I'm going to go on feigning to be blind. What matters most now is the progress of the juniors. However, I hope, really, that i won't have to treat you harshly one day. Your intentions MIGHT be good but your actions are definitely not appropiate. No use arguing with you because i know that it's going to be a waste of my time, brain cells, saliva and what have you. Please be reminded of what's your pposition in the hierarchy.Oh ya, this is something to do with ncc if any of you reading is in a daze.

And so I felt being choked with prejudice. What the hell? Does being a leader means that I have to do everything? Obviously no, am I not right? I'm not trying to run away from my reponsibilities here but I just feel that I'm carrying the burden of the whole group. Have any of you thought of how heavy it is? It's breaking my backbone and almost driving me nuts. And yeah I was so damn fucked up today. It started after the later part of the morning. Since you all don't want to care, I won't contribute wholly either. You think I'm going to do everything? Think again. Fucks...

And again I felt so...got any other word to use? nope, syamil. Fucked up is the best adjective. So I felt fucked up. You keep on doing it? Do it. Ya. Do more of it. Try to push me. Come on. Push me. Fun right? easy right? Do more. I don't care. Ya. You've seen it right. Do more. I challenge you. One day, i hope you'll leave this fucking characteristic of yours. If not than i hope and I believe that i will leave you one day. One day...

I do not know what has gotten into me. I feel more..I don't know. But for sure, I'm not beginning to react in guidance of what my heart says. I'm not superman. I cant handle everything. I'm just another human. I do whatever I can. Even though it breaks my heart to leave some things stagnant, unattended, I can't continue. I have my own wishes. My own life.I'll try to strike a balance, between my own interests and others. i just can't fulfill everthing that I want. Even though I'm a Syamil? What does it mean to be a syamil? Syamil means completeness i think. In malay if I'm not mistaken it's'' menyeluruh''. I am given the ability to see certai things. See what is really wrong with others. What's wrong in certain lives. Abd I also know what's the solution for most of the time. Nevertheless, I'm not equipped with the capability to amend those things. I can perhaps only say but it won't make people feel good both about themselves and me. And it's damn painful to see and not being able to do anything. My heart is being tossed into the grinder.

i do not know why the fuck am I living in denial. It's practical but it's very hurtful. Very. My actons, speeches all of them, denies the truth and somehow, I ahve some fucking problem controlling my nerves. breakdown in my system. Shit. I'm in shit. being suppresed to the bottom of the pits. Looks like its not going to be easy for the next few days perhaps weeks. I'll have to depend on laughter and free weekends and happy memories and happy thoughts to hold on. Whatever the situation is, I'm fucking damn going to hold on and pull myself together.

Yesterday's sleep was least peaceful. Damn why do I have to dream about her? Not that I don't want to but my sleep...I need a peaceful one. What else can I live on? I lost count on how many times I woke up startled. Really. It was a really..I don't know...It's like my life had been tugged out from my body. She felt so near. Maybe that's what startled me. I hope my sleep will be peaceful and ''undisturbed'' in the future.

P.S : I realized that I have used the word fuck a lot of times. i want to stress that the intensity of such ire and emotions are fading away and most probably gone. i just need to vomit it all out. Or else I'll be keeping in myself and it feels rather uncomfortable.

::: The truth is rarely pure and never simple :::