This working week happens in a flash. Feels like only yesterday that I've stepped into the company. Mandric and Wilson stopping work next week. That leaves me alone. Haiz..sad.. :( haha..


Some thoughts ran into my mind while working...not going to elaborate though...


- The path to success can be very lonely, isn't it?


- How do you handle big shots? How do you handle people with big mouths but don't have the balls to do it? I prefer the walk the talk policy. Snobs.


- In Singapore, the standard of living is very high. I rephrase. Its DAMN HIGH. That's what I felt after started working.


- Are your/my friends the type which only comes when you/me achieve glory and stay away and shoo you/me when you/me are in the deepest of the deepest shit? Are they your "friends" then? What do you call them? Part time friends? Blood suckers? Assholes?


- I can tolerate loya buruks ( sarcastic people ) but I hate them.


-I hate smoke. I really do. I'll make sure that one day, I'll earn enough money and buy a car to drive to work.


- Makan gaji buta? Not my way of being a worker. You want to do something, give the best. If not, don't even do it.


- I don't get it, why are people looking at me like that? Do I look like an alien to you?


- Wow. I really didn't expect it. My grandfather actually enquired about my studies.


- Ish...dah beri sedikit nak lebih...bagai belanda mintak tanah...malas aku nak layan....


Ok...don't feel like blogging much...surprisingly not even a single OT day this week. It has been a bit more smoother this week. Last few days were delightful with the days ending in humour.

On Wednesday if I'm not wrong, we were gathered and Mr T wanted those who had finished their work ( we were given things to do and targets to meet ) to stand and one side and everything...the funny thing is almost everyone had finished and they were responding to the questions so that they could all just go home. Kinda 'childish' in a funny way. It was like the first incident that everyone in the company had smiles on their faces at the same time since I came in.


And yesterday, while punching my card, R and F was stuffing Mandarin oranges their bags...it was very 'kiasu' of them.....haha...their behaviour was really funny. They went home with their bags full of mandarin oranges. haha...I think their bags almmost gave way...ok..maybe not so bad....


Its ok working here...the people are nice except that they are the type who are really experts in slacking. Like what wilson said, "working here, you won't know how hard it is to earn money." i can't allow myself to be influence by them. Just today I heard J saying angrily to R not to slack and stuff...J is a senior worker compared to R who had joined only about a year ago. Looking at them, I felt pity. Their lives, frankly speaking, are pretty hopeless....they have like not much to look forward too...their future are...just...sort of invisible....nothing....but seeing them laugh together, joking and fooling around during break times, reminds me on how friends add wonderful moments in life. I guess they just rest their hopes on that to keep on going. Nyabe their lives aren't really that bad...I hope so...most of them have families already and earning like $1400 per month...is kinda hard to cope with the expenses given the living standard in Singapore.


Enough of that...tomorrow going to Queensway to buy shoes. After getting a pair, I can get started with training soon. I've been really slacking in terms of fitness. Need to buck up before getting back into school. And I'm going to work till around March I guess unless I change my mind on the last minute to take the JC route. My aim is to get enough money to pay for at least about 80% of the price of a laptop. Most likely going to need it in poly. Might as well be prepared for it.


Ok...one more thing, I can actually go Friday prayers. Wth...and S said that I can't go. F u la...anyhow say...jerk...really happy that I'm allowed to go after asking Mr T about it. Yay...things seems to get better...and worse? Haiz...dunno la...won't look into it too much...its giving my head the spinning.


Ok....so four days straight holiday...man this is good...feels like heaven...yeah....


Oh....Happy Lunar New Year to all who are celebrating...for the rest...enjoy the loooooooonnnnnggggng hols.


New learning experience: Not to keep grudges on other people. What's done is done. The next thing to do is damage control. Let bygones be bygones.


:)

Too tired to blog for the past few days...tired sia...everyday ot...reached home arnd 9:30 to 10...but then lucky got weekends...can relieve myself...


Its going to be a long week again..and pretty hectic too...stock counting going to start tomorrow I suppose so I guess like last week, ot everyday...sian....but nvm...CNY coming so got damn long holiday...heng man...can stay on bed for whole day....wah...can't wait...


On friday, had a second staff meeting. We were behind schedule for some reason or another....the good thing about working at Marshall Cavandish is that it takes up the transparency policy....its very direct to its workers on what is really happening and what are their upcoming plans...they even make it clear to temp. workers so I guess that's a plus point...at least we know what are the objectives and end results that are to be achieved....


And during the course of meeting...I suddenly realised something....ok let me give you the half-hour sequence...


I looked at him.


Hey, seems pretty familiar.


Second look: Hmm, really looks familiar...but who?


Third look: WTF. Its her. WTH. Nearly burst into laughter but really under that circumstances...with the the expression he put on with that angle and light intensity concentrated on his facial features and that err... almost shoulder length hair...he looked like her. My god....I cant believe this...wads wrong with me...better go and change eyeballs...


If you dont catch any ball...nvm...


Ok then, after meeting continued with this massive order....20k+ books...expected pick up time: 1027 mins....wah...tough one...nearly died...


finally at nine, can go home...at last...so went to the bus stop and waited there while willy ride back home on his bike...while waiting...so some banglas...man, they think the road is theirs is it? Anyhow walk on the road lo...got pavemnet don't want to use...plse lo...this is not Bangladesh ok...this is SINGAPORE...aiyo...so inconsiderate...lucky got not many cars around...toots...


So on saturday...went to SP for their open house....caught some sort of show/concert...got silva, chanel and kelly from the project superstars....don't really know them but I think the three of them can sing quite well....and after watching and listening to all three sing....I could roughly see why kelly had went further than the rest in the competition...really sang her heart out...


so after that grab a free ice cream..willy also grab one...aiyo...sick already still eat ice cream...haha...he heck care one lo...he's the one who saw the free ice cream first anyway....ahahaahah.... :)


the open house quite dissapointing....not vibrant enough...we went in then like lost...don't know where to go...not much people also...maybe we were early or just at the wrong place...but after the concert thingy...the booths for the courses were packed....ya...anyway after that Shai joined us and went to play pool at clementi...he was so love sick lo...not really his usual self la...haha...man...take it easy dude!!! Hope he gets better tho...haha...


Then i went to TP alone...cuz willy got some live saving course lesson and Shai is going thru the love sick syndrome and decided to head home...so yup...reach at tampines then went to bus interchange...and guess wad...I saw my homeground friends....all the way at tampiness??? tt's really a coincidence...the were heading back home from some soccer amtch...the last time I saw them was like just before the O levels...thats like afew months ago...anway...I was shocked when I suddenly heard my name...Azhrin was like saying my name out loud lo...and at that time there were so many people around...paiseh leh..not once lo but a few times I heard my name...because all them surprised when they saw me...haha...didn't get to talk much...after that waited for the bus to come...then while waiting got this girl want to exchange 2 dollar note for coins but I dun hav change liao so I just give her 3o cents lo...tt was how much she needed...see i'm nice rite...wahahaaha..aiya 30 cents only...no need to be so calculative mahz...


anyway she was in the phone and I could hear wad she was saying and she was going to TP too so....tt's good...I can count on her on where to alight...muahaha...i'm bad..eavesdrop other ppl conversation...wahahhaha


when reached there..it was a totally turnover experience as compared to SP lo...they were having loads of fun la and the visitors had a warmth welcome...they were very cheerful and really full of energy even though it was like one more hour before the Open house ends...so like one pathetic fool I walk around...nice place...really cool...and then I walk along this hall where the displayed all the engineering courses...and I went to mechatronics...I'll most probably take up this course lo if I join poly...yeah....and that guy there were very friendly so I asked him about the course lo...he talked like some pro man...really explained what i need to know about the course and all...and some things I know already lo....ya...then he said when results are released can come down again and ask more things from the lecturers...and he said will learn JAVA also..that's so cool...yeah...and tt's about it...


I wanted to meet some hockey peeps but I was told that they had left...I wanna play hockey....I guess I came too late lo..and some guy told me that when school reopens, can meet them because all the CCAs will be at there...somewhere so I guess i'll just have to wait...


Yeah then head home and eat and go out again to my grandad's place to sent hime some food...and gosh...everywhere was damn pack and with the rain pouring down heavily...it becomes worse...so finally I reached there lo and ya...ate again...wah damn full lo...


and on the way there was very pissed off lo...already got so many people and some morons can just stop and stand blocking other people...obstructing people from working...aiyo...ppl these days....( man, I sound like some ah ma, ah pek sia..)


One more note I wanna put...I want my G-SHOCK C3 !!!!!!! i spotted one orange colour one...very unique and cheerful...mayb I'm going to get that one...I hope so...CNY coming...hope got discount...can use my salary to buy..wahahaaha..yeah...

One song...yeah...i love songs... :) This is Ghost of you and me by BB Mak...i dunno who this guy is...weird name...


What am I supposed to do

With all these blues

Haunting me, everywhere, no matter what I do

Watching the candle flicker out in the evening glow

I cant let go

When will this night be over


I didn’t mean to fall in love with you

And baby there’s a name for what you put me through

It isn’t love, it’s robbery

I’m sleeping with the ghost of you and me


Seen a lot of broken hearts go sailing by

Phantom ships, lost at sea

And one of them is mine

Raising my glass, I sing a toast to the midnight sky

I wonder why

The stars don’t seem to guide me


I didn’t mean to fall in love with you

And baby there’s a name for what you put me through

It isn’t love, it’s robbery

I’m sleeping with the ghost of you and me


The ghost of you and me

When will it set me freeI hear the voices call

Following footsteps down the hall

Trying to save what’s left of my heart and soul

Watching the candle flicker out in the evening glow

I can’t let go

When will this night be over


I didn’t mean to fall in love with you

And baby there’s a name for what you put me through

It isn’t love, it’s robbery

I’m sleeping with the ghost of you and me

I didn’t mean to fall in love with you

And baby there’s a name for what you put me through

It isn’t love, it’s robbery

I’m sleeping with the ghost of you and me

Its getting kinda tiring...like wanting to sleep more and all that...nowadays pretty monotonous...wake up go work come back eat play com a bit then sleep....sian...nowadays also got OT...so come back later...at night...quite ok la...getting use to it...but the experience of working is kinda spurring me on to study even harder cause I dun wan to end up doing such a job for life...


Today feels faster than yesterday. Work is really piling up cause the warehouse need to do some stock checking and also it is shifting to woodlands...by then I'm not working already la...ya...surely got alot of things to do and I bet its going to be pretty messy...


I have been wanting to say this....on my way to work I have to pass by this construction site la...and inside they have the usual construction workers working there..you know the foreign "talent" ppl...they are so sick man...the smell is really...urhghghgfhghghg...!!%$*&^*&^*^$%$$....damn really....that's the most toughest obstacle I had to come across before going to work....like F***!!!!!!!! But hell la...just endure...ewww.....bleah...haha


Then while working listen to the morning show on Perfect 10. Justin and Vernan said tt during lunch time today, there are going to be FHM females in bikinis at Raffles Place...their attitude towards it really makes me laugh lo...so much so I have to suppressed it so that the others won't think tt I'm crazy....i was listening thru my MP3 by the way.....but really....tot of going down to take alook but can't la of cuz because of work commitment....wah sound so "heavY" like that....nvm....muz go see ma...free wad...wahhahaa


Haiz...as I'm typing now getting pretty sleepy....today kinda funny day la....and I love the show hosted by Daniel Ong...the segments are really interesting and yeah can be funny too...like today, the group therapy show, it was pretty humurous lo...and tt's my fav. show...group therapy...it's really good...cause ppl get to share their problems without embarassing themselves...and its like there can be very unique insights on certain issues...so today's problem was about this guy who wants to start a r.ship with a girl who is pretty well sought after by other guys...yada yada yada....so he is seeking on ways on how to go steady with her...and all sorts of replies pop out lo...and also got ppl calling him coward and kental...damn funny la....especially when listening to Daniel saying kental with some slang...funny...hahhaha.....


And the solution I like best was by this girl, and she said...just give her a smile...come to think of it...that may work things out pretty well....


then went home....and on the bus TV Mobile was showing just for laughs....this, another one...I really had a hard time controlling my laughter....I nearly burst into laughter lo...really looks comical man..the weird and funny and innocent expressions...it really is so funny....man no other word to use...funny.....


Going to the open houses this saturday...hope things are going to be fine....before I hit the bed...one song by ryan cabrera....photo....


A photo, can say a thousand things
But it can't say the million things
I wanna say
A photo, can capture the way we were
But it can't capture the way we are
Cause you're far away


What it's like to know you
What it's like to touch you
Yeah...


When you told me that you loved me
Were those just words?
You can't tell me you don't need me
And I know that hurts
Cause I'm looking at your picture
Cause it's all I got
Maybe one day, you and me will have
One more shot


Timing, lost minutes and moments
Yeah, I might be lonely, girl
But I'm not afraid
In a second, it all comes right back to me
No, nothing's forgotten now
Yeah, everything's saved


What it's like to touch you
What it's like to know you
Yeah...
When you told me that you loved me
Were those just words?
You can't tell me you don't need me
And I know that hurts
Cause I'm looking at your picture
Cause it's all I've got
Maybe one day you and me will have
One more shot


You were my life
You were my faith
You gave me hope everyday


WHen you told me that you loved me
Were those just words
You can't tell me you don't need me
And I know that hurts
Cause I'm looking at your picture
Cause it's all I gotMaybe one day you and me will have
One more shot

What's the deal with my brain?
Why am I so obviously insane?In a perfect situationI let love down the drain.
There's the pitch, slow and straight.
All I have to do is swing
and I'm the hero, but I'm the zero.


Hungry nights, once again
Now it's getting unbelievable.
'Cause I could not have it better,
But I just can't get no play
From the girls, all around
As they search the night for someone to hold onto.
I just pass through...


singing...Ooohhhhh oh.
Ooohhhhh oh. Ooohhh oohh.
Singing...Ooohhhhh oh.
Ooohhhhh oh. Ooohhh oohh.


Get your hands off the girl,
Can't you see that she belongs to me?
And I don't appreciate this excess company.
Though I can't satisfy all the needs she has
And so she starts to wander...
Can you blame her?


singing...Ooohhhhh oh.
Ooohhhhh oh. Ooohhh oohh.
Singing...Ooohhhhh oh. Ooohhhhh oh. Ooohhh oohh.


Tell me there's a logic out there.
Leading me to better prepare
For the day that something really special might come.
Tell me there's some hope for me.
I don't wanna be lonely
For the rest of my days on the earth.


[solo]
Ooohhhhh oh. Ooohhhhh oh. Ooohhhhhhhhhh.Singing...Ooohhhhh oh. Ooohhhhh oh. Ooohhh Oohh.Singing...Ooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh


Perfect Situation by Weezers

oh my....having lesser time to blog...nevermind...so I'll start off with monday?...ya...there's too many things happening lately...and seem to have amnesia all of a sudden so ya...


on monday...took a different way to work...save money la...but sian woke up later than i expected...so rush here rush there...but since I, as a ncc cadet, or was a ncc cadet, i'm trained...pretty well by my seniors.... :)


ok...den at work...getting very sian and damn it! no trolley for me....aww...that really sucks...wad was left was this trolley with only one paltform so cant carry much books...so I juz used it...and then I was so bored cuz my mp3 was also low batt...so I sat on it and used my legs to make it move...instead of the conventional way of pushing...i became like flinstones like tt...damn fun la... I think I'm going to do it again tomorrow...


then before going home...had to do housekeeping so I used the same method lo...with additional equipment...the BROOM!!! so off I went down the alleys...hahaz..fun la....its called failed innovation...


ok...den went home...got a lot of calls....so suddenly and got irritated lo...cuz no one else was arnd so I had to pick it up all the time...man...i'm forgetting things again..nvm...heck....


so today... hari raya haji...woke up to a wet morng and really felt like not getting up cuz really good environment to sleep lo...and i was feeling rather tired....but sad..had to go for some special prayers...and wa lao..the speech(khutbah) was long la...I was falling asleep halfway...really pissed by that...den had to go to malaysia lo...visit grandad...now very ez to go there lo...juz take bus frm JE...can go der on my own lo...so ya...the night before, myaunt called in frome there saying that my grandpa was feeling really sick..as in seriously...he has parkinson u c...not the very bad one la...but ya...he's not supposed to bath with cold water la...but he did...so after that he felt very very weak lo...ya....when my aunt called i was pretty worried...these few years...people I know are going to the other world...know what i mean? so I really prayed that nothing bad happen to him la...and my wish kind of granted..phew man....


ya..den I'm very envious of my cousin lo...who's now 17....cuz he has car and bike license...so cool...aiyo..really cannot tahan la!!!! i WAN MY LICENSE!!!...Arghh...anyway...ya..then while I was eating I saw my grandad holding lolipop sia..it juz looks comical lo...haha..very funny...and seeing him smiling made me feel better...den i started to follow...I also eat lollipop...den got dis baby also..i dunno who la...but den he saw me eating so he also want...then my sis followed too..eat lollipop...den after tt my lil bro...diao lor...so den went to some small supermarket den grab all the goodies...and head back to my cousins house...and den my auntie said


"wah , dah ader jangut seh...mesti banyak prompuan"


den my mother added on.." dah..dah ader girlfrend pon...''


i just smiled la...but inside i was like WTF?


I don't like things that are not true...then they say...my wedding ask my grandpa cook...diao...wth?and my father said he wants grandchildren...? wad!!!!????


this is really too fast man...woah...i really hope that they are seriously kidding...no way man...I don't want to dwell on such things now...


Oh yes!!! I jus remembered....tt time on monday while working, chance upon this book titled "boyhood to manhood" so i read and they say...during the teenage years...a guy will ahve sexual fantassies and yada yada yada...so if the guys out der are wondering whether its wrong to have such fantasies...fret not!!! Ur ordinary...i mean its part of growing up....then there's also this sentence which I say in the book...here it goes.." Adolesence is when the boys discover the girls, and the girls get discovered"....it sounds really farnie to me...i dunno...too much time mixing with the "wrong" friends...wahahahaha....


Aku duduk bersila selepas tahyat akhir. Selepas membaca doa selepas solat, Imam mula melaungkan takbir. Malam sudah pun melabuhkan tirainya. Hujan turun menitis, tanda nikmat tuhan semesta alam. Entah mengapa, tenang hatiku bila terdengar laungan takbir. Sungguh tenang sehinggakan ia membuatku ingin menitiskan air mata tetapi, aku biarkan air mata berada sahaja bertakung. Sungguh sukar untukku menyatakan perasaan itu. Sungguh ajaib..luarbiasa.


Everyone has their own way of doing things. If you are placed in a situation where either way is okay, then leave it. Why force others into doing things your way? This is not your world alone. Different people have different thinkings because not everyone grows up in the same environment. Certain things which are not detrimental, let them be. Accept their way of executing actions, accept their way of thinking. Open up your mind. Don't ever think that you are always correct. Learn to look at it at different ways. Even if you can't comprehend, at least acknowlegde that it is that person's unique point of view. Unique to that person alone.


It is the perosn you love most, that you tell the most lies to. *True to a certain extent :P*

Hmm...going to type things briefly here...won't yada yada too long..need to sleep to wake up early to go to work...


Btw...the more I sleep, the more sleepy I become...funny isn't it? Dunno wads wrong with me...


So i shall start from friday...


Went to work for first half of the morning...then went to friday prayers and then went to HQ at ang mo kio der...long train ride...den went into the camp...dunno where to go but eventually arrived at the west district office with a few others who were already der...after a while...got called in and had mass interview...as in the commander "chit chat" with five of us in his office...wth...the first thing he noticed on my application form was my e-mail...and he questioned the other boys:


next time u call him horse ok?


diao...


den after tt head back home...and wanted to go library at jp but they already shifted to another building...so sad la...just went home...I dunno if I can eventually become a CLT or not....not that I've no confidence or what but the existence of the course itself is still in qustion...dunno whether they will conduct it...due to time constrains and clashes lo...a lot of changes....


then the next day...went to work OT....it was ok lo...i get to know more about the workers der...talked quite alot to fareez( dunno how to spell lo...) on all sorts of stuff la...didn't feel like it was a long day...tomorrow's work load might be lesser...den after tt head down to je library...and the it was pouring damn heavily.... i was crossing this road lo and then a lorry just zoom past splashing water on me....idiot lo...very inconsiderate la...not say he was trying to beat the traffic light la...knn...reached je drenched...lucky didn't get cold lo..as in sick....after that met hakim shai shazwin and alvin at jp to eat at seoul garden...my second time only...and man it was fun...they kept cracking jokes and I really cant stop laughing...man and we did all sorts of funny stuff on the grill or whatever you call it...dunnow how many eggs we crack also..and we tried to make pop-corn as in...make the corn pop...really hilarious especially seeing shai's reaction...den dunno y but got a few chio bus der...ok...nvm skip tt....


then today...jus stayed home all day...finally.....


nowadays can get to watch my fav. anime...gundam seed...maybe going to buy the cds...wait for salary lo...


tt's it lo...tomorrow going to kick off my plan...to run around the system...whee... :)

Wah seh....today somehow my ez-link expired...knn...I already extended it lo and i was told it will expire only on the 14th...


CB...the adult bus fare effing high lo....one day spent about 3 bucks just on transport...haiz...nvm..im going to do something about it...i'll get around the system...i ain't paying that amount of money just to get to work...jialat....


ok...so about 3 plus this lady/girl from ncc hq called and I was..dunno...happy? ya...because they called to inform to come down for interview this friday...looks like im going to have to apply for half day leave again....sian..I hope nothing bad happen...


anyway...when i heard the voice, I was quite dumbfounded lo..found the voice kinda gentle...i mean the lady who called me before was like speaking in singlish...

***Interruption***

FUCK!!!

********


OK..heck care about that...just found out somethign which pisses me off....


so ya...that makes wonder...you always hear the saying love at first sight...


Is there such a thing as love at first hearing?


I dunno...I'm not saying I had but just toying with the idea...Anway, wonder if she looks pretty as her voice...I won't get to know anyway...dunno, dun care, who cares????!!!!


Pretty long day today...bleah...feeling lousy again...aiyo..forget it forgetit forget it!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Bleah...


Sorry..nonsense entry...

Today's day at work was a bit more unusual.


The guy I thought was a Malay is named Jason. (But he speaks Malay...quite fluently...)


And he knows my uncle who works at the same building too.


And I talked more to the guys who were working there.


And I must say this...books...can kill...really...


And when we started work today, we were quite fast to the extent that there was left with little work for us to do just after lunch. Our work was to retrieve books from a hell lot of shelves by following a list given. So like I've mentioned...we completed the job pretty fast. Then came the final blow which really flattened me and Wilson...2000 plus books...to be retrieved...and export to Saudi Arabia...damn far lo....wth...and the quantity damn humungous lo...and expected time to pick up completely is 477 mins. And that was the last job for the day...and you know what the guy told Wilson? Work slowly....hahaz...and the job still haven't finish lo...going to continue tomorrow....The longest job that I've came across so far...


And as the new year begins, I would like to wrap things up. On my side, I will cease all operations if the response is what I am expecting. Any other way, I'm fine.


I really, really, really want to talk this out. TALK. But the situation doesn't permits despite whatever efforts I've put in and I won't channel any more energy on something that won't produce anything.


So, this is my last resort. I've decided to blog it down.


Because I have kept it too long a time. I have to let it off my chest.


And also because I want the matter to be resolved.


I doubt you still even think about it. Anyway, I'm going to switch to burst-fire mode now. So here goes.


I am really sorry that you're hurt.


But due to the lack of knowledge or rather the truth of the situation, I was being forced into such emotions-having to dislike you and everything.


But look at it this way, if any of the events that had lt up to what it is right now were to be singled out, then I guess the turnout wouldn't be something close to the truth being revealed to me.


I guess that the pain you felt was necessary in order for us to arrive at this juncture. Don't get me wrong. I don't want you to be hurt, or any other person for that matter. It is just that I believe, everything happens for a reason, be it good or bad, hurtful or not.


Imagine if I were to hide my dislike for you, putting up a facade, only ACTING to be nice to you, only to appear to be clear of things that had happened, only to ACT as if I didn't feel anything, wouldn't that be worse? At times, I have to let my emotions run free and only control it to a certain extent. Bottomline is: Things won't be okay if I had not done what I did.


You thought you made yourself clear when you said " we were'nt ready for anything". My comprehension was that we were'nt ready for a relationship. but I didn't expect you to discard away everything else such as your feelings for me etc. did you?


For the while of June holidays or more I can't remember, I thought we were still "together emotionally" when in actual fact, yo have left and me being the bloody fool, clinged on to you. I feel very down right stupid.


And when I was slapped with reality, the truth, I was shaken with anger. I could still remember that very day. I was with Hafiza and Wilson at Jurong East library and they told me that they had known about your "departure" way before. A long time ago they said. The words still linger in my ears. Instantaneously, I was raging ith fury. I felt "cheated", played upon, downgraded, humiliated, looked down and what so ever. It was as if my feelings are not being respected at all. Till now, thinking about it still aches my heart. I felt like shit. Its not about the fact that you left me that contributed much to the pain but the thought, the impression that you left me without a proper word. I'm sorry to say this but you weren't honest enough with me.


And then it became worse because obviously I will bound to see you almost everyday since we're in the same class. I was practically feeling lousy for almost everyday and what the hell, the "O"s are coming and I still can't get the matter off my mind. I can teel you for sure, every school day was like a living hell to me. Sometimes I don't even feel like going to school. I can't emphasize any more how much it hurts. For a while, I was in really bad shape. The Malays would term it as " Frust Menonggeng" Damn I hate it when it has to be used on me. I ahd mood swings everyday and for some time, the people around me like my sitting partners, Pei Yan, Thandar and Nisah had to put up with my nonsense. I really thank them for being concern about me, being patient and all but at that time, nothing could had been done to make me feel any better. I'm sorry if I had given them a hard time. I was jsut too weak.


It was especially difficult when I had too push myself away from exploiting the chances presented to me to hurt you. I managed to refrain myself from doing so but I knew too that there were times when I did say things that were directed to you. If it hurts you, all I can say is I'm sorry. Overwhelmed by revenge.


One more thing that fueled my anger at that moment was this thought: If it was made clear to me about the things you have just written in your blog before June, I would have been able to recuperate during the holidays and be mentally prepared when school started again. But no, that was not what happened. To me, the June holidays had been a waste. But still, I believe, it still boils back down to me, not being able to handle it well...for getting in too deep....for making myself that vulnerable. In the end it was still my mistake, my responsibility. I don't blame anyone.


After a while, I was determined to rise above the contemporaries. I came up with an underlying objective: To forget about you totally and to kill my feelings for you. So off I went, living the days with such a notion in mind. i avoided you on purpose. I made you invisible in my eyes. Whenever I could, I would stay away from you. I cut off all communicatons as much as possible. I gave myself a certain radius as to how much you can come close to me. It worked but the progress was slow and painful for me. Then, I came up with an idea. Why not make myself dislike you? Why not make it a driving force? So I picked out all your flaws that I see and smacked it right in front of me. I psychoed and brainwashed myself. I kept on lying and lying to myself. I allowed it because wtf, I ahve tosave my sorry ass and pick myself up. But deep down inside, I know thigns are different but I had no choice but to bury them.


But I guess..things are different now,


Since you have came out with that explanation.


Frankly speaking, most of the things that you wrote are unknown to me,even for some of the thingd you claim you have told me. When I read what you wrote, everything turn out to be much better for me. Thanks....


And I concluded that, neither one of us are to be blamed for our respective hurtful periods in life. It was the lack and poor communication, the different perceptions of things that brought about all this. It is unfair to put the blame either onto you or me.


Just to let you know, you were accepted and still are. Never before did I hate your personality. I don't resent you for being yourself.


When you had your tough times during SYF, thinking about which to give up, you should have come and talked to me. In late March, I even offered to take you out and talk things out but you turned me down. If that day were to happen, it might have been easier on you, but I believe you have your own reasons for not accepting the offer. It might be easier on you because I would have supported you in your decision. I would tell you to concentrate on your SYF instead of us. I would have told you to heck care about me for the time being. We would have come up with something...maybe like letting you concentrate on your SYF first and maybe later on then we figure out about us. I know band is an important slice of your life. I understand how much it means to you, your dreams and aspirations. Because I have them too....


So I've typed what I wanted to say.


Now whatever happens next is not up to me.


Sorry if I have spoilt the new year.

Hmm...


Had my first family outing today...for the year 2006 I mean...


Had my first soccer game today too...and my friend shifting hosue...sad case la... :(


Yeah...a new year...going to have new nvironment...new friends...new experiences...and of course..my new resolution....


The previous one was to stay happy as much as I can...I think I have achieve that pretty well, by using my own judgement of course..so i'm going to keep up with it..


This year resolution can be represented with two words : Seperated Dealings


In the middle part of 2005, I had come out with this and I can't really carry it out...things in my head were shrouded and occasionally my brain suffers "screw lost" disease so yup...I'm going to do it this year...and hopefully carry it on for the upcoming years...


Seperate dealings....meaning I'm not letting my emotions crash into my studies or rather my other aspects of life...i've learnt it the hard way and hell, I'm not going to go through it again...thanks to those who had contributed to that...anyway...past worries...past grudges..hard feelings shall be erased...deleted from my memory....I anticipate that the upcoming year will be very exciting and fun filled, and i hope that that will help me with my new year resolution....


In the past year...my "love life" had taken centre stage so this year...no more...time to set things right and going....all those "shits'' I'm going to dunk them into the bin...wahahaa...


Few months before 2005 ended, I had done a lot of new things..first times...I can't really recall all but I must say..that's how I have to do things during the times ahead...try new things...take more risks...and of course be responsible for whatever i do..


Most of the first times I had were good while some others...


Are otherwise...


i nearly had my first puff last year too...but I didn't. I was reminded of my future..of what I want...and that stopped me from doing it...a friend offered to me...he's kinda contradicting....I mean..he smokes once in a while...whenever the chance arises...but then...he always remind me to abstain from it whenever we talk about it...and that time we met a few schoolmates and he took one 'batang' from them..we went to buy lighter and then went up to one of the nearby buildings...the staircase area...and of course he starts to smoke...he then asked me if I wanted to try one..he didn't really pressurise me...he just sort of ask me...and I repeatedly refuse of course..I nearly succumb to it...because at that time I was not feeling very good...but I can't bring myself to do it because...in the first place...I HATE smoking...yeah I abhore the act...i don't think its good..obviously its not...and its not cool either...and flashes of my dreams came through my mind...so all the more i shouldn't do it...


Its one of the few things I would never ever do in my entire life...


And if you readers somehow, somewhere, somewhen see me doing it or almost doing it...well I hope you'll be brave enough to confront me....


Anyway..that aside...went to eat lunch today...with my family..the first for this year....yay..really felt happy...really...from the bottom of my heart...then went to John Little to buy my shaver and guess what? I saw shaver for women!!!!!!!!!! ok..say that I'm deprived or what so ever..but hey..my conclusion...women do cut hair...i mean leg hair..whatever...


So I guess i'll end it here...this year better be good, excellent, fantastic, superb, marvellous....and of course..it better be for the rest of the years...everyone wants that don't they?


And thanks to all the friends that have been my side pushing me down into the water and pulling me up...you all have taught me valuable lessons that i shall never forget...adios, amigos...



Syamil signing out...roger and out...