Yesterday was the last day for me to have an official training with NCC. Now at the end of the road, I am both sad and happy to leave. Sad because I really enjoyed myself in NCC. Happy because now I can go full throttle on my journey to excel in my academics.
We had PT yesterday and I guess it was fun. The juniors and I were in "long four" attire going through "hell on earth". The weather was favourable as well. It was kind of funny that only Jason and I were wearing uniform to do PT alongside the juniors and seniors. It was the last training for me and so I thought that it would be rather good if I were to wear my uniform. I really like to wear it even though it goes without a brand of some sort...because it merely belongs to a class of its own. I find it prestigious and honourable, to be able to wear it and I don't like it when cuckoos do. Cuckoos who disgrace that uniform. When being in that uniform, I believe that no one should settle for less than doing their best, fulfilling their utmost ability.
Somewhere, somewhen, somehow, I heard one of my counterparts saying, "Those who want to do PT in full-u are crazy." I simply didn't say anything. Basically because I'm on the other side of the argument. I knew the juniors were going to wear full-u to carry out the activities and being myself I understand what is the meaning of being a leader.It is simply inappropiate for a leader to allow the people below him to be in a much more difficult or uncomfortable position than he is. I told myself, " If long 4 is what they wear then I shall do the same." All along I have always hold on to such ideology. No way am I going to let the people under me suffer more than I do, simply because I'm a leader. Finally, I have learnt to realize that NCC had nurtured good values in me, shaped me into a better person as a whole. And as of yesterday, I am so ever proud of my rank which are on both sides of my arms...a 2nd Sergeant.
Kudos to NCC for having shown me the positive and negative attributes of a person. I'll be proud to have joined NCC (and hockey also) if one day I were to turn back and take a look at my secondary school life. To those leaders after my batch, hope that you all will stay united and maintain the standard of NCC. I pray hard that none of you will annihilate the good name that NCC holds. And to the rest of the juniors, I hope that I had show you all, in my small little ways, the positive characteristics that one should have. Just remember, be a man of your own kind, be different ( in a good way) and go all out to make a change for the better.
" Every individual is a complex and unique mosaic."One more thing before I bring this to a close. I am sorry that all this time I have not maximise my potential. It is unfair and selfish of me not to have tried harder to utilise my potential to its peak. If I were to have done so, you people might have attained greater achievements. But somehow, along that line of history, things had not permitted me to unleash the god-given flair in me. Maybe I had released some of it recently, but I guess it's too late. This does not only go to the juniors but also to anyone who are victimised by this weakness of mine...especially to the one who is on center stage of my love life.
" Leaders are men who go into battle against incredible odds, knowing that they might not return home, but they went anyway, ready to sacrifice themselves so that others might have the chance to have a better life. A leader puts others beyond self."
For the past few weeks or so, I have been pondering over the happenings that are taking place in my social life. 2 parts to it. One with regards to my friends, the other, a special one.
You have explained yourself, I know and I accepted your apology. But somehow, due to your previous actions, it is too much for me to comply to your needs. And I am sorry to say that I am left my feelings to take the driver’s seat for this aspect of my life. And I don't want to control my emotions. If I do, I'm afraid that I'll be putting up a drama. I have somehow given up hope. It will take a miracle for us to go back to normal. I just want to say that I am not trying to do anything. I am letting this what you call ''friendship'' succumb to fate. Simply because I've lost hope. I have this doctrine in me; to gain a friendship from me will be quite easy but if you have repeatedly carry out actions regardless of intendency, it will shatter that friendship that has been built. And to reform it, it will take loads of hardwork and a miracle to accomplish. If you think it's unfair, then I guess its just too bad. To put it in simpler words, once you've abused or lost my trust, it is going to be hell for you to get it back and in the process, unfairness might saturate the situation. As of now, I am sorry that our friendship means nothing to me. It will take God to open up my heart to accept you again. And that is the only way possible. The one and only way.
Like heating sugar, it's an irreversible reaction.
To my other friend, we had a roughly good relationship. Nevertheless, it is not the type that would fit into my idea of the "highest level" of friendship. Neither is it close to it.
Your characteristics have sometimes caused fissures in our friendship. I have tried not to cause more cracks and so far it seemed to work. I have successfully look pass your imperfections. Just to let you know, quite a few people who are kind of against you and I won't mention who. But its not the type of "all out against you" basically because you haven’t done anything wrong.For me I just take it that you are just like that. We ( as in a few boys whose names I shan't mention) have come to agree that somehow you are or appear to be much more closer to "our" girls. Not that we object to you being friends with them or what but due to human nature, it arouses that feeling of jealousy. Its something like you being a lady's man or something like that...anyway...It's not really a major problem with me because I've justified it. And I can safely say that I am used to these things that can cause the jealousy in me. Anyway, in relation to this issue, one of us had said, "If my girl doesn't confide in me, it is like as if she doesn't trust me." And I'm sure you know what is likely to happen if there is no or little trust in a relationship. Whatever it is, I won't beat you up or anything...but should it go too far then...I don’t know. I hope that everthing will be as per normal even after I've written this.
Finally...I can get to you.
Monotony had crept in between you and me. I'm getting restless with the uncertainties that are lurking and circling around us. And now I have made my decision. Yes, I have plucked up my courage to finally settle with something.
First things first, I clearly have no idea on how you are feeling right now and what are your intentions. It has been quite some time since I've heard any news about you. To tell you the truth, I get jealous due to the certain things or at least words that are sourcing out from you. If you do it unconciously then I guess it's ok. But if otherwise...then it's rather painful for me. Anyway I don't know what they are for but these tiny weeny things are making me rather anxious. Maybe you do it because it seems that I'm doing it too? I don't know...I have no idea what they are for and I don't want to speculate about it. What I'm sure is only about myself. I like you still. But on your side, I am doubt it sometimes. Nevertheless I've decided to be brave and take risks. With that I mean that I will fully trust you that you are still having the same feelings for me despite what others are have or going to say. Before making this decision, I was uncertain of your liking towards me. But I guess I was just being paranoid and insecure and I absolutely abhore myself for that thus the decision.
I will settle with this "plan". I know that I wouldn't want to have any relationship tie between us, yet. That means to say that I'm going to "leave you alone" to lead your own life and me my own life. I will preserve this feeling for you and will come back to it when the time is right. And that " right time " will take years. That right time will be when we are ready for it and that means that we have reach that point of stability in life. It is very, very far-fetch I know. But I believe in it anyway because I think it's the best for both of us. I don't want us to stop each other from attaining what we want. You will be the one unless my feelings changes. But there is a high possibility that it won't happen. I'll be waiting for you, to get you at the right moment somwhen in the future. I'm getting more certain about it especially after I've wrote it down. I received sound waves that I'm not the type that you would wait for 10 years or what so ever...well, I may believe it but I don't give a shit about it. It won't be a hindrance for me to reach that " right time''. I'll persist. By taking this move, I am definitely opening up myself to possibilities of great disappointement. There'll be an indication in this blog from this entry onwards and if that indicator changes, the sad truth will most probably be that I have given up on you. I hope and pray hard that I won't have to face that type of music. I really don't want to.
In your previous entries, you've mentioned that the least I could do was not to "ignore" you. Now I'll do my best to explain.
Yes it seems that I'm ignoring you. It seems. But I don't. Anyway, if in the future I were to treat you as a friend there will be only 2 possibilities that could have happened to me. One: I have succeeded in breaking down the awkward barriers which to me will be good news. Second: I may not like you anymore. And it dreads me even to think of the latter. It is something that I will evade as much as possible. I just can't let it happen.
Hope things will work out. But like you and me and everyone else knows, we can't control the future. The future is something which is pretty subjective to changes.
::: Said what I wanted to say :::