Had a few things to be happy about recently. However, I still don't feel the same. I don't know why. I find that it's hard for me to pick myself up. I feel so isolated. To whoever is reading this: The following entry will have negativity content so if life is going on well for you, you might just want to click the small x at the top right corner of your screen.

Few days ago, got some news. Supposed to make me happy. Because this piece of news will stay as a mark in my life. the first girl who actually repaid my love. I was going ecstatic actually but...somehow, i don't feel that good. Again I don't know why. Man I'm just dumb. So yar, you actually made me happy for a while. Perhaps that was the best time for such an antidote for this aching heart.

Then come yesterday. For the first time in my life, I'm actually feeling nervous to go to school. Not because of hockey match. Just some weird feeling. I think its because of her. So i've mentioned about not being happy when I'm supposed to. When everything has gone according to my favour. So now, we'll start with it proper.

Firstly, the 'o' level results yesterday. I took the malay paper and then got the new that I got A2 for it. Kind of happy. More close to relief actually. because before that I heard that I person got C5 and that scared the hell out of me. I felt even more nervous. I was like ''jialat already''. Not that i don't have confidence, but this type of things, you can never be too sure. Then, it dawned on me who the person could possibly be. and my guess was right. i mean inside my heart, i told myself, '' tt person is punishable.'' i feel sad for him but I was also sad that i didn't manage to help him. Too bad, I can't control everything. i can barely control myself let alone others. So yeah..the results are supposed to make me happy. But it was like just an evening wind.nothing special.

then there was the hockey match against fuchun. the hockey team thrashed them 10-0. I was proud of the scoreline. Really proud (note, proud doesn't really mean happy). So yeah, another great achievement that i'm suppoesed to be happy with.

Another thing to be happy with..something to do with hockey also. Mr Lim actually complimented me. And although it was just a remark or comment, i knew he was serious about it and definitley i found some truth in it. he said infront of the other boys that if things are going to be so desperate, meaning that if our strikers really can't score goals, then he would put me as a striker, and that came along with the calling of me as his ''superstriker''. Man i find that really cool. And he went on saying that I had preserved my energy for the last four games waiting at the back. and that there will come a time when i will ''explode''. Then he also said that i would gallop and keep on scoring...hahaz...what the..it was funny at that point of time. He also mentioned that if I could actually spend more time training my skills, I could probably be an excellent striker. That didn't dawned on me before. nobody told me that before. I was pretty motivated by that. For a person who has been a lastman for more than abt 3 yrs...it is safe enough to say that i'm getting pretty ''excited'' to score goals. I really want to put in one. But then...too many restrictions. i tried by sprinting up along the sideline. i was nearly successful. but I didn't want to jeopardize the team's chances of winning..cuz frankly speaking, I think that they are not confident with the defence when I'm not around. Another thing that i'm supposed to be happy with, but i chose not to..with no apparent reason...i'm so full of negativity..

then after the game, you came. thanks for that..haahaz...after game incentive? that made me happy for a while too. i wasn't so sure whether to accompany you home...but then on impulse i didn't. After that, I had to dragged my heavy mass back home because something heavy went inside my brain. I wasn't sure what I did was right. True, you said that you wouldn't want me to be pressurized. but then, i somehow feel that you are rather dissappointed. i feel that i've let you down...too many times..tell me the truth if you really feel that way..let me know..it's no use keeping it away from me...

And today. I forgot to bring my math notes for the second time in a row. The first thing that came to mind was NOT that what is going to be the consequences...rather, i told myself this : are they going to take this as a sign of my so called ''downfall''? Because the damn truth is that what ever is happening in my relationship life is not the one that had caused me to forgot to bring my notes...even though ms chua was joking about it, i knew that some people will assume such a perception...well this isn't a shield. this is the truth. I am not affected by it. Is it some girl problem like what ms chua mentioned? No no no....its not..its just that i painly forgot.

One more thing before i end..this month is march. and traditionally, this period is supposed to be a ''bad'' or ''bad-luck'' period for me. I don't know...stupid things just keep happening in this frame of time. Nevertheless, I've made a point not to believe in such superstition.

::: Love through the eyes, not the words :::