Suppose to type these a few days ago…anyway this entry is not dated today…

I was shock by today’s incident. Not really an incident but rather a piece of information. Wrote this while going home on the bus…on paper of course…really feel the need to air it all out. Stress level is still mounting high despite it being the period after exams. Exam results were still not so good on the whole but it’s improving. Progressing. Anyway that’s not the main thing that is affecting me. I’m still in the midst of moderating my performance, as in how much effort put in to certain subjects. What’s for sure is that I’m currently undergoing unbecoming phases of my life…all I’m going to do is just accept it and do whatever I can…

Realize some values during this fasting month. During this period of time. Hmm… maybe that’s not the way to put it. I think it’s more appropriate to say general human behaviour. And it’s sad to see that these things drags in along with them negative connotations. Now I’m really stucked at a crossroad. I dunno whether to give up or do something else…why I say something else here is because I’m left with not many options. Good options that is. Ok..let’s cut the crap…I’m going to spit it all out…

The tension that has been building up in me is not cause by a main major problem. It’s actually small and petite problems which stack up upon each other and it irritates me even more when more is coming in even when I haven’t solve the one currently on hand. If I was as bad- tempered as before, god knows what will happen to me and the people around me.

The first incident which strikes me. Let me give some background info first…I’m usually the one who will be waking up the rest of my family members every morning…so since it’s the fasting month I’ve to wake up earlier…but since the first day of the fasting month I don’t seem to be able to wake up on time…then on this particular day, all of us woke up late and had to rush in eating our early morning meal to prepare for the day’s fast.
And it was like the blame was indirectly placed on me. At that instance, I realize something. I realize that humans rather look at the bad points of others rather than the good ones…it’s like people spotting the black dot on a piece of paper…rather than looking at the white portion around it. I mean I’ve been waking them up for so many days and just because of these few days of not being able to do my task, I’m the one that is to be blame…I admit that I’ve been given chances but I’m trying very hard…

Caught up in some “monetary” problems again. So many things to buy yet so little money. The things that are to be bought are not that essential but I’ve been wanting them quite badly. So as usual, I drew up a plan and try to make ends meet. I always try to buy my own stuff by using my own savings…my own things as in like some school donations and other school stuff, stationery and what so ever…My parents will chip in a little most of the time but majority of the expenses are relied on me…this lead me to realize how my other peers are having such a good life. Maybe not very good but at least I think it’s better than mine…sometimes I wonder, maybe they do better in their studies because they are in a much more ‘comfortable’ living environment than I am, I mean they don’t seem to have so much things to care about and they get most of what they want…Not that I’m being ungrateful with what I have now but this problem creates a domino effect on my other problems. But I’m glad. Glad becuz this makes me more resilient each time. Helps me in coping my other problems better. Shaped me into having a more matured way of thinking.

Note: For the following section, DO NOT spread it or else…

Finally I can touch on what happened today…got to know the 5 UDIs for NCC. Though it’s not confirmed, there’s a high chance that it will not change…I’m not one of them. Honestly I’m disappointed. Very disappointed but what hurts me most is that I feel only 2 out of the 5 deserve it. I mean there are other better sergeants who would fit the post much better. Better leaders who will be able to raise the standard of the unit. Now I’m foreseeing another negative period. The downfall of CSS NCC. I was shocked when I heard the news. I strongly believe that some of them are wrongly chosen. Yes they are my friends but for the sake of justice and the betterment of the unit, this is the truth. I never wanted to say all this but now…my opinion has nothing to do with personal perceptions that I hold upon them outside of NCC…Nevertheless, I was so called “enlightened” and realize what’s the meaning behind the wise words,” rank is just a piece of cloth”. Now I truly understand it. A person’s rank lies within the respect given by the men. It is also base on the quality of the people under him. The men under him represents his rank. A high rank can be a piece of shit with the absence of respect. I’ve also come to realize that it’s not the rank that matters. It’s how much value that is in that rank. It’s like a market. The value of a lower rank can be as high or maybe even higher than a rank which is higher. Sometimes mistakes do happen and those who deserve it does not get what they should be getting. I appeal to all out there, whenever you see a person with such a high rank, don’t be too overwhelmed. His rank may cost nothing. Juz a thing to show-off to others. What you should really pay attention to is how the person really is in carrying out his work, how well he works with other people, how much respect he gains and so on. Now, this decision has caused me to have greater pride in my rank although it’s only a 2nd sergeant. When I look at it, I feel proud and even think of outshining the staff sergeants-to-be. When I look at my rank, I can see the value in it, the effort and the amount of sweat to attain it. And I can see how pure it is. Not like some other people who will get their rank in a crook’s way. Some bastards they are…putting on different masks, licking boots…fuck to them…I shall show them that me, a person with a lower rank can do a better job then them. I shall do the best I can to help contribute in stopping the standard of CSS NCC from sliding down…if I can do it I, it even adds more value into my rank. When I pass out later on, I want to leave NCC knowing that I can be proud of myself, knowing that I’ve had contributed a lot even though it’s not written in black and white. Knowing that I’ve caused a better change. Now I shall ignore all the bullshit decision on who’s going to be staff sergeants and what’s going to happen after that …now my target is…to rescue CSS NCC…

::: Rank is what we wear, Respect is what we earn :::

Nothing to write for my entry...anyway in response to Lady Samurai's request then I shall share what's being discussed in a malay news article recently...Not a very long article...brief and conceivable...so here goes...

Before that, I would just like to say thatthe following is not a direct translation to the news article...but the substance is definitely based on it..

6 October 2004, Berita Harian, "Ekstra" section

On the surface there's mainly 6 reasons on why some Malay ladies prefer "foreign" guys to guys of thier own race...the reasons are being listed as such...

1. They are boring: Malay guys are not open as compared to other guys.

2. Afraid of their own shadow: Feels easily 'threatened' if his the lady has better qualification/education

3. Likes to 'rush' on things, ''kanchong'': Just met and is getting to know each other and he wants the lady to be his steady.

4. Commanding: Wants his lady to do what he says.

5. Gets jealous easily: The female party has to give constant ''reports'' on her whereabouts.

6. Female party does not receive the right to air their opinions.

Some Malay women feel that they are being ''trapped'' and uncomfortable with the character of such malay guys. Just when the couple is getting to know each other a bit better,the malay guy wants to move on into getting married. when the couple has taken the first few steps into loving each other, the male starts to "stick" closely with the female.When the ladies wants to voice out their opinions, the malay guy will feel unhappy. These are some of the perspectives that some Malay females are holding against the guys of their own race.

Going a bit more into detail, some personally feel that malay guys are not as chauvinistic as guys of other races. They feel that these guys wants to have overall power on everything. Other views stated that some Malay guys feels ''endangered upon meeting a lady of higher ''status'' or paper qualification. One of them, a student at NUS, said that "I have met some Malay guys that straight away take the distance once they get to know our standard of paper qualification. They themselves feel lowly of themselves". This character of being too humble drives some the malay guys into watching out for their partner twenty-four seven.

Relating to the issue on Malay guys being '' kanchong'', some feel that they do not have the breathing space that thay need and feels that these guys rush into things, like asking the female party to be his ''stead''. Like what one of the ladies, who is engaged with a Chines have said,'' Last time, when I just broke up with my ex-boyfriend, a malay instantly wants me to be his stead. He calls too often. Now isn't that irritating?''

Other than that some also feel that, Malay guys wants everything to be done theri way and does not leave room for discussion and so on. Quoting one of the Malay ladies," They don't undrstand that I want a relationship whereby there is equal and balanced power between both parties. I don't like to be told to this and that."

However some feel that skin colour cannot be taken as a measure for one's character and personality. One of these group of women feels that stereotypes against both men and women has to be destroyed as they are not fair and justifiable. To her, a person's character is the reason on why those men in the way that have been described are acting in such a way and it has nothing to do with skin colour.

So ya..basically that's it... some parts are repetitions though... my opinion to this is that some parts of it can be quite true but I don'y think this applies to a large number of us even though I don't have a reason to beleive as such. I think the reason on why some Malay guys ''observe'' their partner's whereabouts and so on is because of this rule that is staetd un the Islamic law. The rule states mentioned that in a married couple, the husband will be held responsible or his wife's and children's acts...If they create sins on earth, the husband will be involvedand will be the one answerable in the afterlife. But this only appies to husband and wife...even so I believe that it should be done moderately and not to the extent of making the spouse hand in daily "reports" on their daily routine and all that sort of stuff...even after marriage I think that each individual should have at least personal space of their own. Anyway my stand is that every person is different thus a different perspective has to be adopted on each different individual. Like what one of the Malay ladies have said, we can't judge a person's character or personality according to their race...anyway to those girls and females out there, Malay guys are not that bad...if they are, why would the beautiful Diyana Malik marry the handsome Aaron Aziz, right?


::: Don't let the past hold u back; u're missing the good stuff :::

Exams had juz ended. Suddenly don't know what to do...so decided to head down to Beach Road to buy camp stuff...although the camp is still quite a long way, I dun wanna to do last minute stuff...later a lot of problems will crop up...I can never have a proper schedule coz things always happen at the very last moment..

so went down to Beach Road with thomas...meet up at jurong east and then took the mrt there...lunch hour so the crowd was sort of expected...while waiting for the train thomas told me what he had heard from his sis and seniors...told me that on the first day we were expected to unload all the stuff in our bags at a given time...training on our speed I suppose...then do spot check and all those stuff...anyway, we finally got to board the train....had to stand cuz there was'nt any empty seat...then I happened to stand infront of this girl...and her clothings...oh man..I should say indecent..the shorts is so short and the clothes all tight fitting...didn't really give a damn anyway...haiz...most people nowadays...pay so much money for so little cloth...now isn't that kind of stupid? after some time...finally got to sit down...on the opposit side..and then I realize who that girl is...for the sake of privacy, I shall not reveal the name...at first I couldn't believe my eyes..it didn't look like her...a bit fatter I think...but in school uniform...she doesn't look like that...at first I began to doubt myself...but then i couldn't help it but believe its her...she also saw me alright..then she was like embarrassed i think, having a schoolmate looking at her in those kind of clothes..tried not to make her feel bad so I acted as if I didn't saw her...but well I didn't really succeed...anyway...finally reached lavender and me and thomas alighted...its kind of lame for us to go there cuz we bought so little things...but it's a new experience for thomas as it was his first going to Beach Road...the first time I went there, I tot I remember seeing swords..katanas to be more specific...but then I couldn't see it when I went there subsequently...but they do sell those guard of honour swords and they look so cool...but too bad they are expensive... I think it's from the SAF...but they look awesome...wish I could have one...didn't really spend much time there..after walking around for a decent amount of time, we decided to leave...thoams needed to go to queensway and I juz head home...haiz..I hope the following days won't be so boring...

::: The hardest thing to do is to watch the one you love, love somebody else :::

Woah...today woke up late for school...6:30 a.m then I leave my house...didn't had a proper breakfast...rush here rush there...since I knew I'm going to be late, I tried a faster way to school...quite lucky...reach the bus stop just in time to board the bus...and fortunately got a seat...the morning crowd was there...can't be avoided...I was late anyway...later than normal time at least...

When I board the bus to Boon Lay Interchange, it took quite a while due to the crowd. People were cramped in but it wasn't that bad as far as I see it...then there were two Boon Lay Primary school girls standing beside me where I'm sitting...and they seem so happy...inside me my heart was already running at a speed of more than 200 miles per hour...scared that I'll get detention for coming late...I was at hearing distance definitely and I could hear their conversation...complaining about school work and all that...should be from primary six I think...tslking about the mounting piles of sets of worksheets they need to do..reminded me when I was in P6 just like them...PSLE..seemed so easy when I looked back in time...anyway got off the bus eventually...while waiting for the standing people to get off first..turned my body to prepare to get down and I was like directly facing this girl from Clementi Town Sec...hmm..quite chio i think..hahaha...did'nt know that there are 'advantages' in being late...our eyes happened to meet each other...but nothing happenned...becuz people were like keeping walking in between us...the aisle in buses I mean...can't really explain clearly...while getting down decided to take the MRT rather thaen 187 becuz I happened to juz missed it...and again I was lucky enough to find a seat...next to me was this plump girl..dunno from what school..too bad this one not chio...hahaha..pardon me for being a bit horny for today...this girl was very weird...she was like reading a chinese meagazine and then she turned to a page where there is this guy...I supposed he is good looking...i think it's the same guy which appeared in Lady's Samurai blog...ya..the one she thinks is the most shuai Asian guy...anyway..this girl..was like so obsessed in him that she go and lick his photo...I was like...what the...disgusting man...luckily I didn't give that look of disgust...I mean even if she likes him so much, she doesn't need to express it PUBLICLY...haiz what's happening to people nowadays...getting weirder and weirder...

Anyway I juz realised how fast the trains were moving...here in the early morning rush of Singapore...I think it only took the train that I was boarding less than 15 minutes to reach Jurong East Station from Boon Lay...it's fast considering that its during the peak hours and there were a lot of people...thanks to MRT, I reached school a few minutes before the morniong assembly...gave out sigh of relief as i entered the school gate...I did it...and my class was like already seated down...first time in this year that I am nearly late for school...and today was like the last exam paper...

Didn't know what to do after school today...met some of my NCC freinds and we talked about upcoming trainings..wasn't an official meeting though...it's kind of tough planning trainings especially when many things have to be taken into consideration...and Mr Faizal was like reluctant to have trainings during the holidays...and he scraped off the end of year camp...this year there are many comprimises that have to be made..far too many i think...but nothing will be too many to be handeled when we work together...if we put our heads together..it'll be easier...more heads are better than one...

So after that went to JP with Hakim,David and Sreyansh...talked about a lot of things while going there..didn't really have any intention of going there..juz walked around look at stuff...have not been to JP for quite a while though...then went to eat at Hakim parent's stall...got free food..hahaha...thanks to Hakim's father...he said it's on the house and I joyfully accept it...didn't eat that much anyway...out of respect basically... Hakim and I sat together and discussed important things regarding our school NCC unit...all confidential though...can only share them with the CSS NCC personnel...cutting it short..after that we went home...thinking of going beach road tomorrow..go and buy camp stuff... nothing much to buy but since I have nothing better to do...I may as well go there...check out on some things...

::: A man owning up his mistakes,is a man wiser today than he was yesterday :::

Fasting month is fast approaching. Supposedly to begin this coming Friday. I dunno why but this year I seem to be welcoming this season instead of feeling otherwise. Can't wait to be overwhelmed by the unique atmosphere this period will offer. In addition this is the only time where i got to eat dates..not that I can't eat on any other time of the year but it's juz tt its easier to buy during this time due to the occasion...other than during this month..the only place I can think of where I can buy them is Arab Street..and its quite a distance and not easily accessible to me...To non-muslims..u might wanna try not eating for 12 hours..its an experience...really...and from what I heard its good for ur health...and dates too..yeah..highly nutritionuos I supposed. Dates are like steroids or energy bars..gives lasting energy and it makes fasting much easier...man, they are so cool...cheap yet effective..value for money...

Juz realized today that I like to 'stone' pretty frequently...haiz...and I don't even know why..get distracted so easily...and it's wating my time..I better do something about it..real soon and fast...before it becomes out of control...anybody with the antidote for 'stoning' please tell me..I would really like to know..

I was reading the joke book that I gave my mom for her birthday which is my birthday also...and found out that its quite good..didn't know that before giving it to my mom...so maybe I'll share one of them...

When a woman is 18, she is football-22 men going after her.
When a woman is 28, she is a hockey ball-8 men going after her.
When a woman is 38, she is a golf ball-1 man hitting her.
When a woman is 48, she is like a ping-pong ball-2 men pushing to each other.

At 20- A man is like a coconut ; so much to offer,so little to give.
At 30- He is like a durian; dangerous but delicious.
At 40- He is like a watermelon; big, round and juicy.
At 50- He is like a manadrin orange; the season comes once in a year.
At 60- He is just like a raisin; dried out,wrinkled and cheap.

Kind of interesting though...not really funny I guess..but something worth looking at..

Other than humours, read about some meaningful stuff...something to ponder over...

3-WORD PHRASES

--I'll be there--

If you have ever had to call a friend in the middle of the night, to take a sick child to the hospital, or when your car has broken down some miles fom home, you will know how good it feels to hear the phrase "I'll be there". Being there for another person is the greatest gift we can give. When we are truly present for other people, important things happen to them and us. We are renewed in love and friendship.

We are restored emotionally and spiritually. Being there is at the core of civility.

--I miss you--

Perhaps more marriages could be saved and strenghtened if couples simply and sincerely said to each other "I miss you." This powerful affirmation tells partners that they are wanted, needed, desired and loved.

consider how ecstatic you would feel, if you received an unexpected phone call from your spouse in the middle of your work day, just to say, " I miss you."

--Count on me--

A friend is one who walks in when others walk out.

Loyalty is an essential ingredient for true friendship; it is the emotional glue that bonds people. Those that are rich in their relationships tend to be steady and true friends. When troubles come, a good friend is there indicating "you can count on me."

--Let me help--

The best of friends see a need and try to fill it. When they spot a hurt, they do what they can to heal it. Without being asked, they pitch in and help.

--Go for it--

We are all unique individuals. Don't try to get your friends to conform to your ideals. Support them in pursuing their interests, no matter how weird they seem to you. Everyone has dreams, dreams that are unique to that person only. Support and encourage your friends to follow their dreams. Tell them to " go for it".

--I love you--

Perhaps the most important three words that you can say. telling someone that you truly love them satisfies a person's deepest emotional needs. The need to belong, to feel appreciated and to be wanted. Your spouse, your children, your friends and you, all need to hear those three littele words. "I love you".

Not too difficult to understand right? I think it is conceivable...think about it...it may not be of use now but maybe it will in the later part of tour life...

I suddenly feel the need to say something to this group of people..those who thinks that commiting suicide is the best way to solve things. I admit I feel that feeling before..where your hopes are all pulverized and you are served with a thousand and one salvos of problems...I call this people "Earth quitters". Not a nice label to hold on to I guess...not that i know of any of these "Earth quitters" but I juz want to say that humans are given an amount of problems such that he or she is able to cope with it..I strongly believe that under no circumstances will it be otherwise..so don't give up in life... If you think that the world means nothing, think again. You might mean the world to someone else.


::: Everything is okay in the end. If it's not okay, then it's not the end :::

This morning's weather and yesterday's dream had driven me to submit this entry...the weather was perfect ...provide me with the environment to jot this all down..suddenly had the inspiration...is this a dead end for this feeling? Definitely not...I live by my rules..nothing is impossible and impossible is nothing...

This goes specially for that person out there..hope you'll believe the following stuff..cuz its what i really feel...the truth of all truths...After realeasing all these, i don't think I'm left with much space to turn back...however, all measures and plans are set...to accomodate the ramifications that is probably going to take place..anyway...I can only predict..beyond that god knows what's going to happen..maybe nothing will ...

The Unstoppable Cycle

After she left quite some time ago...i know that this my golden chance of having to stop it...a chance to stab into the spokes of the wheel..I've executed steps to adhere myself from receiving another of those cupid's arrows..well..eventually I was defeated...the first few months eemed to be promising...showed me signsof victory over this battle...but a fact remains as a fact..I didn't have the ability to stop it all..my life took a different route from that day onwards I was being 'imprisoned' and suffered quite a lot..it affected many aspects of my life...and the cycle repeats itself..another person came into my life..

Where's the reason?

Couldn't find a reason..till now I still couldn't..I've ransacked everything inside me..but to no vail..Why? What's so good about her? what about her that had been buried inside this heart's soil as a seedling..growing and grooming as time passes by..but then..I foresee what's coming...the fruit of this tree..will always stay poisonous..finally I'm force to conclude that..there's no lucid reason for me to love you...so now a new question surfaces...does a person needs a reason to love? I don't know..why don't you tell me...

You and Me

Since that day..I was forced to cross-examine both ofus..and found out that we do have a number of similarities...there were too many to be considered as coincidences...although some are petite and close to meaningless...I believe they should still be taken into account..I was quite fed up that I went to the extent of compiling them and scribbled them into a list..so my question is..are we meant to be together? I mean..we share the same thoughts,dislikes and so on..but does that really mean that we are compatible? Both a yes and no answer will be disputable...

So what now?

There's one philosophy which I will hold till my life ends..that is to be a man of rational..do things that are necessary,requisite...thus I've made my final decision...I shall let you pass..but the love foryou will stay and stand as a memorial...letting you pass doesn't mean I've abdicated in loving you..my withdrawal has nothing to do with giving up..there are reasons on why i can't tell you how I feel..and I shall expose them now..

Pieces that forms up my decision..

My religion..yeah..describe me as a devout person or whatsoever..I dun care..i've faith in my religion..and I believe that by following their advices i'll stay out of unnecessary troubles..next...the difference in our status..it will pose problems if I we were to form that kind of relationship...you live in a life of luxury and I don't want to accomadate to that..it will inflict negative things on me...going on to the next reason..the ppl around me..my family,my frenz and so on..this string of relationship if being formed between us will burn down hopes..frenships..so I might as well forget about it..in addition..i'm enjoying the current bond between us..I don't want to destroy it..if I tell you i love you..things might not be the same again...don't call me coward...I hate that...cuz i'm surely not one and im not going to become one...like i've said earlier..I do things only if it's beneficial...a man of rational..so yes..I'm happy enough with the way things are now..it's the best situation..hard to admit but i have to cuz it is...anyway its not the right time for us to tie ourselves down with such things..

Why am i writing this..

Some of you may think...what am i trying to achieve here by writng all this..especially when I won't release the girl's name...the reason is I juz want to say that I'm not letting her know how i feel becuz i dun dare to...it's due to the reasons that I've stated before..I'm not going for you not becuz i'm not brave enough..anyway..u might not even want me to do so..juz want to reiterate myself that it is because of the reasons as explained above that had kept me from reaching out for your heart...

So I shall now ring down the curtain..i shall not be able to go for you..but I have a wish and it's up to you to make it come true...and that is only if you can show me ur side..chances are slim that you'll let me know cuz you don't even know it's you...some of you might think...if i do'nt tell her..how in the hell will she be able to let me know..all i can say is...too bad...if i tell her there might be aberrations...and I don't want that...the best cure for me now is to know that she has the same feeling towards me..even then...zero attempts to building that bond between me and her..for the sake of others...it shall not happen ...at all costs...

::: You won't even know it's you :::

Nothing much had happened so far for this week..juz some small insignificant happenings...all the way exams for this week and finally got to write someting here...

I was happy with myself...yeah..happy..pulled myself together to do a morning run..more to jogging actually...went to NTU to do so..there's a garden up there and I should say that is the best place to run in the proximity of my neighbourhood...anywayz..while jogging there..something terrible happened..at least to me it is..if you were in my shoes,literally, you will..met a group of girls..running also i guess..maybe undergraduates..I don't know...then I was like behind them only that I was on the opposite road..eventually I overtook them(i'm still on the opposite road) cuz they were quite slow...cooling down I guess..after some time I was quite a distance away but they could still see me..anyways..the terrible thing was actually me tripping over a slab on the pavement..the first words that crossed my heart was WTF!!!...very embarassing for me..so abashed that I didn't dare look back at the group of girls reactions...they muz hav been laughing their heads off...I was lucky enough not to hav fall and hurt myself...haiz..I muz hav looked so comical..

Got my HMT paper bak on monday..was quite surprised that i got a good grade...went home very happy...then went to JE library with Shahid..to study..but then could'nt find a comfortable place to sit..tried going to the teens section at the highest floor and when I entered..i was like appalled..it was freaking noisy and definitely not a condusive place to study...met a few commenwealthians along the way..dunno what they were doing...then we went down and while looking for a place to sit met my hockey senior, Firdaus...he was like smiling at me from a distance..so juz went up to him and shook hand with him...wierd expression on his face..when i came over to him and his frenz his frenz were like giggling..I was like what the hell is going on...of course I did't say it out loud...then got to know he study's in Ngee Ann Poly...hmm..quite far eh..no wonder I haven't been seeing him around...

Wednesday morning...became the parade commander...was like trying not to think of it too much..came down to find theng loke outside the HOD room..normal procedure..i tot I was late but I was there before him..I was like asking Thandar, "Do you know where's theng loke?"..then she replied "nicole?"..I was like stunt for a while before I repeated my question..I mean nicole and theng loke sounds very different...anywayz..I shall not probe into it...anywayz the feeling was still the same...kind of freaky..after giving the command my legs were shivering like mad and I couldn't stop it..haiz..then the mike was like going lower and lower and it looked as if it was going to fall of but luck was with me and it didn't...if any of you got comments regarding this..tell me via my taggie board okiez..?after the whole thing was over my senior gave me a thumbs up, literally...

then i went straight home after school..feeling a bit drained dunno y...both my parents were at home..my father came back for lunch...then my mother was like commenting on how my younger brother wanted to be addressed as "kir"..his name is actually "syakir" somewhat similar to mine and my mom always call me "mel" so he wanted the same thing..I juz smiled upon hearing that..find it cute...hahaz..

moving on to today..had chem paper and stayed back for a while as requested by thomas..discuss some camp thingys..and he was like asking for the names of those who were fasting during the level camp and haikal said I wasn't cuz I hav menstruation...then everyone laughed like hell...good one haikal...seriously..it was funny and still is...hahaz..

that's all i guess..need to sleep..got maths and lit paper tomorrow..adios..amigos..aku berambus..

::: And i should be waiting...for u to show me ur side :::

Nothing much had happened so far for this week..juz some small insignificant happenings...all the way exams for this week and finally got to write someting here...

I was happy with myself...yeah..happy..pulled myself together to do a morning run..more to jogging actually...went to NTU to do so..there's a garden up there and I should say that is the best place to run in the proximity of my neighbourhood...anywayz..while jogging there..something terrible happened..at least to me it is..if you were in my shoes,literally, you will..met a group of girls..running also i guess..maybe undergraduates..I don't know...then I was like behind them only that I was on the opposite road..eventually I overtook them(i'm still on the opposite road) cuz they were quite slow...cooling down I guess..after some time I was quite a distance away but they could still see me..anyways..the terrible thing was actually me tripping over a slab on the pavement..the first words that crossed my heart was WTF!!!...very embarassing for me..so abashed that I didn't dare look back at the group of girls reactions...they muz hav been laughing their heads off...I was lucky enough not to hav fall and hurt myself...haiz..I muz hav looked so comical..

Got my HMT paper bak on monday..was quite surprised that i got a good grade...went home very happy...then went to JE library with Shahid..to study..but then could'nt find a comfortable place to sit..tried going to the teens section at the highest floor and when I entered..i was like appalled..it was freaking noisy and definitely not a condusive place to study...met a few commenwealthians along the way..dunno what they were doing...then we went down and while looking for a place to sit met my hockey senior, Firdaus...he was like smiling at me from a distance..so juz went up to him and shook hand with him...wierd expression on his face..when i came over to him and his frenz his frenz were like giggling..I was like what the hell is going on...of course I did't say it out loud...then got to know he study's in Ngee Ann Poly...hmm..quite far eh..no wonder I haven't been seeing him around...

Wednesday morning...became the parade commander...was like trying not to think of it too much..came down to find theng loke outside the HOD room..normal procedure..i tot I was late but I was there before him..I was like asking Thandar, "Do you know where's theng loke?"..then she replied "nicole?"..I was like stunt for a while before I repeated my question..I mean nicole and theng loke sounds very different...anywayz..I shall not probe into it...anywayz the feeling was still the same...kind of freaky..after giving the command my legs were shivering like mad and I couldn't stop it..haiz..then the mike was like going lower and lower and it looked as if it was going to fall of but luck was with me and it didn't...if any of you got comments regarding this..tell me via my taggie board okiez..?after the whole thing was over my senior gave me a thumbs up, literally...

then i went straight home after school..feeling a bit drained dunno y...both my parents were at home..my father came back for lunch...then my mother was like commenting on how my younger brother wanted to be addressed as "kir"..his name is actually "syakir" somewhat similar to mine and my mom always call me "mel" so he wanted the same thing..I juz smiled upon hearing that..find it cute...hahaz..

moving on to today..had chem paper and stayed back for a while as requested by thomas..discuss some camp thingys..and he was like asking for the names of those who were fasting during the level camp and haikal said I wasn't cuz I hav menstruation...then everyone laughed like hell...good one haikal...seriously..it was funny and still is...hahaz..

that's all i guess..need to sleep..got maths and lit paper tomorrow..adios..amigos..aku berambus..

::: and i should be waiting...for u to show me ur side :::

Had a fun time with my frenz today...went home together and talk about our past times...I didn't realise before this that I had great times with my school frenz...even the bad ones seemed funny...I'm too contented to share I don't know where to start..let's see..I think I'll stick to chronological order...

I had a couple of overseas trip with my primary school since I was in P4...I'll leave the first one out I guess...eh..wait..no I don't think so...I think I can recall some of them back...

Educational Trip to Perth Aust.1999

Since I'm feeling lazy now..I'll juz type what comes to mind..

There was 1 night where we stayed at King's Hotel...then it was quite late at night...my teacher was sporting so some of my other schoolmates and several other teachers and I went to the 24-hr Mac donald to grab a bite...my god their food size is basically about twice that of singapore's..
in the end I couldn't finish up my food...oh ya and the atmosphere there was very quiet at night..they dun hav like those night activities..shops will close at around 8 pm? that's what I observed at least...and the temperature there was pretty cold..chilling...

We also spent a couple of nights at a farm and it was damn cool...the pple, the animals,the food...and wow the scenery there is spectacular...in the morning..everyone rose up early juz to see the sunrise...wish that I could stay there all my life...so full of tranquility...but the nights there was hot and stuffy...basically bcuz we hav to shut the windows to keep the insects out...and there were a lot of them...seemed like a whole plague...then there was one night where we had to walk in the open...pretty scary though..we were like holding hands walking in twos singing our way back...it was walking blindfolded...then one of the days we went to catch some sea creature, can't really remember...maybe it was prawns...or was it crabs? Anyway...we had fun though although most of us practicallly failed to catch what we were suppose to catch...and yes..forgot to mention that tuck wen went for the trip too...

Educational Trip to Kuantan,Malaysia 2000

This trip was for the malay students and went with my best frenz...entertaing and joyuos trip I should say...me and 3 other gd frenz were given the duty of taking photos during the trip...and we had fun playing with the digi cam...took a real lot of photos...most of the 'funny' things happened at the hotel and so I'm going to start from there..

it was at night and we were all sent to our respective rooms...it was free n easy so the four of us sharing the same room take turns to bath...my fren who was the last one,well he did a very...I don't know how to describe..he basically "bomb" the toilet( hope u all know wat it means :p) and the whole room starts to smell of his...hmm..then we were like holding our breaths while trying to aerate the room...lolx..then tt night we didn't really dared to sleep cuz our room was like one of the few tt is at the basement beside a forest...we were like covering ourselves with our blankets and nobody wanted to sleep near the balcony which was facing the forest...hahaz..what a bunch of fools...hahaz

During the stay at the hotel..we(my frenz and I stayin in the same room) received a piece of news frm our fren accomadating at another room, somewhere quite far from ours..then he told us tt frm his room he could see one of the girls rooms and so he told us that he and some other frenz saw one of them changing..at first we were stupid enough to beleive him and so we did...but obviously he cooked up the story...anywayz...on one of the occasions...one of my other frenz had to see one of the FEMALE teacher in charge...then he told me tt that night this teacher was wearing a so called 'transparent' pajaymas...i was like...what the hell...

hmm...nothing left to say...about this trip...

I think I'll juz end off here...written quite a lot already...

::: Can't take my eyes off you :::

Recently, I seemed to change, sort of emotionally. Feel like my heart has been exchanged with someone else's. Seemed to be in a new skin. Before this, I have been fond of her despite all the measures taken to prevent from being enticed by her. I can't even find a robust stand. A concrete and lucid reason. I know. I know that if I let my feelings run free, I will be inviting trouble. The negative ramifications of love. It's way too troublesome and inconvenient. But now, I dun seem to feel anything for her. My feelings for her had been eradicated. Yes, before this I was thrown into a state of quandary, not knowing which way to choose. Should I be thankful that I have been gifted with the ability to love others or take it as a disadvantage to me in achieving success in this world?
I don't know. I've no idea whether the state I'm in is temporary. A temporary aberration. Or will I return to my normal self after the exams? This is so weird...maybe it is help from God to keep me focus on other more important things. Yet today when I saw her, I could not help feeling 'abashed'. Don’t know what's the feeling called...Tried to act normal as possible. After writing this long, I've come to realize that I don't know a lot of things...a lot of question marks...

Anyway...today I had my eng exam. Can say that I'm in deep crap. Didn't separate the summary from the comprehension. Well...I don't feel guilty at all...I've read the instructions and I know that I'm not in the wrong. No such instruction was given...but that is not what is going to bring me into deep shit. It's the state of my summary that is. It was such a mess. Cancellations here and there and I never leave a line in between. I can almost envisage Miss Lim tearing my paper into pieces and throw them in front of my face. Going to get a scathing chiding from her...especially when I'm the English Rep...what the hell..Whatever…

Going to run tomorrow morning. To distress I guess. I hope that I will no be too lazy to do it. I received some Jap songs from Hei Wai today. Thanks a lot Hei Wai.. Man, they rock…listening to them now while I’m typing...got to end off here...need to go back to studying...

::: So Confused :::