Have been feeling kinda bored these days...My holidays? Spent most of them in school...Still got tons of work to do...juz hope that i can clear them up soon...it really has been very busy for me...yar so i was like so bored to the extent that i went to my archives and read several past entries...and found out most of the readers or rather all..could not understand what i'm writing in some entries...and the reason being is that i'm too secretive about it...well..this part about has yet to be explained but i dun see that anyone is capable of doing that..not any experts...not even me myself...it has been part of the package when i first arrive here to this world...

it is true that no one can explain this thing about me but what i know is that my secrets can be ransacked..its possible to get things out of me....my secretivity can be unlocked...the question now is...where are the keys?the ppl holding them.. i long for them...my heroes as the way i see it...it is not within my cognizance as to how many of these ppl exists on this planet...and that makes that anyone..juz anyone out there...to be one of them....however....there are certain things in people which i look out for....a bit of their character...and some other stuff...

so far throughout my entire life...i've not met anyone of them yet...i wonder if i will ever meet them...to see how they are like....so far i have not seen anyone trying to dig out anything inside me...no significant effort....and thus i dun bother to say anything...i juz dun bother....the fact is i need someone who is close to me...willing to help me out...a true friend who is trusworthy enough....there is a freind though...he does understands me but his mind is clogged up with dirty stuff...morally unwelll...but he makes a good friend to me...for now, he is the closest one to becoming the one holding one of the keys... distance had seperated us...our directions in life had done the same...different school....different friends...

there's still a lot about me that people don't know....i wonder for how long will that remain as a fact...on the other hand though..there's still a limit on how much people can know about me...the situation now is like the people out there are like submarines and my secrets are the waters that makes up the ocean...the submarines can only reach to a certain depth..beyond that is impossible due to the increasing pressure on the submarine....i'm trying to put things as simple as they can get...but they keep getting tangled back and it gets down back to being complicated...i'm getting tired...really tired...so now...my focus will be on different stuff....i shall juz chuck this thing at the back of my mind...in the interim...i shall try to complete the other responsibilities that have been given to me....only certain people can understand me...i hope my hero is out there..somewhere...

::: I'm still waiting :::

My intuition was accurate this time... thank god..really...i'm saved from the what i call 'trap'...thus, the planned mission was terminated...was quite close to the execution time...the effects were great..kind of feeling happy...actually i dunno what i'm feeeling...its all mixed up again...unidentified feeling...no more restrictions...it feels so good to be wild again...this could be the one...this could just be the fuel that can help me succeed...blessings i disguise i think...probably u won't understand what i'm saying...why? cuz i dun want anybody too..

And Hanafi...i'm heeding ur advice...actually i've alresdy thought of making that move but i was not really convinced..so in a way you 've helped me...thanks...however the reason for it differs...its not the qn of worth...

But i think things arte getting dangerous...i've lost my supressor for my anger...i think i'm going to get agitated more easily....u ppl won't be able to boss me around so easily again...if your actions touched the fiery part in me or rub me the wrong way...then good luck to you cuz ur going to need it...probably u'll get something from me...that depends on several factors of course...say the situation, ur background, level of maturity, whether its worth it or not...and what have you...

i really hope that i can have my focus back..for my studies that is...cuz i've lost it for about 3 yrs already...i really long for it...i want to taste the sweetness of success again...oh god help me please..cuz nobody else can...

So it was all illusions i guess..screens...but i am still seeing signs...wtf...it feels sick to be in two minds...sometimes it is seen as optimism but on the other hand...it damages you..eating u up like nobody's businesss...this is difficult..really difficult...I really dunno what to hope for now...should things remain the same or turn the other way round..whatever it is...i have no control over it..let's lead live as usual yar...eh wait a minute...some things will be adjusted...i think i did that today...finally can do it...yeah...

one more thing to address...i will cut off this particular service which i named it 'humiliation tolerance' yar..dunno whether u ppl get what i mean....i dun think i will be able to take jokes anymore...of course certain ones is still possible...but those that actually hurts me...then u'll see what happens...judge on ur own...if ur lucky u'll get away scot free...otherwise..god knows what's going to happen to you....

::: Storm is brewing...take cover!!! :::

At mdm hanita's house...
So went to visit friends houses o last saturday...meet up at 11 before departing for haikal's house...oh ya...wanted to mention that me haikal and david went gombak stadium to run in the morning...it was cool running in the rain...then got some students i think..from track and field or something...hahaz..got gals seh...luckily its after the fasting month...but still...haha..nvm...juz being naughty that's all...anyway didn't really pay any attention to them...

enough of that...back to the hari raya trip...so after haikal's house went to mdm hanita's house...hahaz..some funny moments here...mdm hanita has a daughter named hanisah also then we were like calling her hanisah junior...then i asked what's the name of her son and then got to know that his name is md ali...then i asked, " Hmm..shouldn't it be shahid?"...only some of you will get what i mean...anyways after that shahid became our ''foreman''..meaning everytime the host invites us to eat we will let shahid or rather forced him to make the first move...

this is taking kind of long so fast forward to hafizah's house....

so there.. we came an ate laksa, hmm quite full already but heck just eat...then haikal was saying that hafizah's younger brother looked like me..got the donkey smile... i was like hahaaha...lame...i'll get you for tt haikal..hahaz..juz kidding...ok let's fast forward again....now to my house...

at my house, my friends got to see my siblings...and they are shy just like me...then haikal was saying i am shymale, my sis is shyfemale and my youngest bro is 2nd shymale...ok lah..kind of funny...then haikal, hamidah,hafizah and hanisah was lookin at this photo..then they asked me which one is me...they were two ppl inside it...but none of them was me...and at first they didn't believe me...it was actually my cousin and my bro sitting side by side...fast forward once more to...

END...hahaz lazy ah..shall stop here...tomorrow shooting...muahahaah...ur dead meat...


at mdm ros's house...nice house man!!

1st day of Hari Raya. It's neither a good nor a bad day...but it is surely an enriching one...i dunno why i feel kind of sad...haiz...im disintegrating....

Several happenings...unexpected ones again...makes me remorseful...hmm...*indulging in deep thinking*

Went for visiting of course...went with the family on my father's side...then my grandad wanted to visit this particular group of people badly...i think its his very very close friends, whom i supposed he had spent valuable time with during his 'kampong' days...the problem was tt we didn't exactly know the address...but my grandad insisted anyway...it made my aunties and uncles kind of pissed off due to his stubborness...and he insisted that the ppl tt he was intending to see lives on the 2nd floor...but later we found out it was on the 3rd...at first we couldn't understand whyis he behaving in such a thick-head manner and almost everyone was pissed...i was too but i told myself that there must be a reason why my grandad really want to meet them...and it turn out to be right...i' ve come to know that they have not met each other for almost 10 yrs...and man that is like a decade...and then met up with my school-cum-ncc friend, Sufian...kind of astounded...so yar...10 yrs...hmm..that's long...real long...

Then we have to visit a particular house at around Sixth Avenue,at Bukit Timah area...along the way we passed by houses...and it was a really an eye-opener for me...i have not thought of seeing such beautiful and unique houses...they are humungous and of course they come with a high price...i think it can cost up to a few millions for such fantastic houses...dunno what type they are...bunglows? far too small i think...anyway I was really amazed...didn't know that Singapore could have such things...

Finally, we reached the destination...learned something here..my father told me that one of the relatives staying there is actually a CEO. Well,that's not the catch for me...what captured my attention was that that man actually started off being a part time worker at that company...and because of his long service and commitment, he rose to clinch such a post...my dad said people lay their trust on him and it's also because he frequently upgrades himself through courses offered by the company itself...to me, it is amazing for one to be able to stay on with a company for long...

While on the way back home...i was thinking that its hard when you are being put in a position whereby it involves work or rather responsibility and the welfare of your siblings..hmm welfare is not the right term, a more accurate on would be the best interests ...and because of that incident which i will not elaborate, i've come to know and respect my father even more...he was pushed into such a position just now and the way he tackled the problem was what i see as tactfulness...he was kind of late in returning the bus..and it was actually one of my auntie's fault, but he remained calm and put up a brave front so as not to spoil the occasion...he was able to control his emotions...and I find that a valuable skill that should be picked up in life...i pitied and at the same time respect him...his sacrifices and so on...it made me feel that i should appreciate my father even more...i knew he was on the verge of 'erupting' cause he was driving at a fast speed...probably to cut short time and at the same time vent off a bit of his anger...i salute him..and i am really proud of my dad...i also find that i am the person whom he can kind of 'complain' to and rely upon to hear all his problems...at the same time he would give me advices and i really treasure them...then, to alleviate his burden a bit, i cleaned up the bus a bit while he drove my family home first bfore returning the mini bus...sometimes I really wonder, " Am I born to face such difficulties at almost every minute of my life?" hmm..actually it's not only me but my family as well...whatever it is, im grateful with what i actually have now and how my lot of life have been...

::: You are what you are :::

What a day today...dunno how to describe it..pretty weird..very weird...suddenly evrything goes up to the surface...or at least close to that...now...im really stuck...dunno which way to go...received that piece of news...supposed to make me happy...it did but the other half of my heart felt depressed...i dunno why suddenly there is this rush of stress and pressure on me...i am like what the heck is happening to me? arghh.....crap.crap.crap.

i know that my wish had come true...but it turn out to be at the wrong time...but does time really matter now? things change...and they change fast...im panting like mad trying to cope and adapt to the situation...somehow im given another surprise...so what am i suppose to do? On the surface, I can't accept it all...but i jolly well know that they are true...they are concrete evidence...it is almost crystal clear now...my brain has gone hay-wire...

suddenly everything is pushed to me...i dunno what they are..whether to believe them or not...Hari Raya's coming soon...i think i need to clear my mind off a bit...can.can.i'm going to pull through this one..i've never been to this part of the road...ok..i'm going to try my best...to her out there..i think you know who you are...dun try to perceive anything first...i really need to straighten out my mind...im really lost...it's nobody's fault...i'm just being tested by Him here...okiez..got to blast off and hibernate...one more thing...i hope everything will remain the same as it is...for now only...for now...I want the time to freeze!!!!

::: When the wind changes its course :::

Inspiration came and knock on my window yeasterday night...came out with something...a poem I guess..nothing really marvellous...I was bored so I picked up my pen and it started dancing to the rhythm of my thoughts...

Words of an Angel

Open your eyes, what do you see?
Your family.
Friends.
Home.
Peace.

Spare a thought,
Will all be there for you for eternity?
What happens when one day,
You lift up your eyelids,
And found them to be pulverized?

Nothing lives forever,
Every beginning has an end.
Remember that.
And remember it well.

Condense all that vapours of animosity,
Into waters of friendship and love.
Cause you won't know what's life has in store for you,
And life's too short for unhappiness and hatred.

Present salvers of appreciation,
To the world,
To your life-long companions,
To your loved ones,
And you'll be guaranteed happiness,
Even though it's just a tinge.

Don't wait for tomorrow,
To say those few words.
Sorry.
Thank you.
I love you.

They're simple words.
Simple yet strong and powerful.
Though minute,they revamp ties
And leaves ripples of joy, in one's heart.

So pluck that string of courage in you,
And weave it into fine tunes,
That will caress the hearts of listeners
You have to take the first step,
If not who will.

Preserve that atmosphere of peace,
Appreciate the sent flowers of love,
Keep them close to you,
Cause you will crave for them,
When you least expected it.

Life works in a funny way,
They make you shed tears,
And it's ypur choice,
Whether its tears of laughter,
Or tears of sadness.

Love and Appreciation.
Turn them into a form of energy.
Once created,
Can never be re-created.
Nor can it be destroyed.


So that's the end of it.Nothing really impressive...hahaz

Phew...tt was kind of hardwork...feeling guilty now cuz i've been hogging the com for quite a while...suppose to go and do some school work..so much for self-discipline..well at least i'm close to finishing making amendments to my blog...did it in a day...

And then i realized the template is the same as Sarah's...so sorry yar...so i went to change the pic so it won't look like hers...

Today is Deepavali anyway...so im kind of taking a break...and in a few day's time...comes hari raya...hmm...dunno wat to feel yar...dun really feel anything...i hope my blister will go away soon..so foolish of me to play soccer without shoes on...then hav to go see doctor...

Feeling kind of F*** up now...i lost the attendance book for ncc...i'm going to b in a lot of trouble...hope I'll find it soon...really wish tt a kind soul will find it and return it...haiz...i can't imagine what's going to happpen to me...

::: Always look on the bright side of life :::

Finally got the time to blog...currently going through hot waters...anyways yesterday went east coast park to rollerblade...freaking tiring...cuz we had to blade for a quite a long distance...endurance was really tested yesterday...its been a long time since i suffer physically...to add on I missed my morning meal...was glad that i had a fun experience anyway...

i didn't thought it has to come down to this...i'm going to make myself clear...somehow i'm getting more confused...thoughts,ideologies all tangled up...all i'm going to say is how am i going to pick up from here...people like wise man and kim are making my head spin...making me feel groggy...thanks for trying to straighten the issues out yar...but it ain't make me feel any better...

Before carrying on...u ppl out there reading better read and understand what i'm writing carefully...cuz i am seeing to many misunderstandings here...mayb my english is not conceivable..

1st things first...the respect that im giving the udis will be given..BUT at its lowest level...the basic respect for a udi to put it in simpler terms...cuz i'm actually only respecting the post and the rank given to them...and not them as an individual or as a whole...BUT there will be some of the udis that will not be under this treatment...in fact only 2 of them...they will receive better treatment yar...

2nd...what's going to happen is that...im going to turn evil...i hope this will b confined to NCC only...cuz i dun think its fair for my other frenz r the other ppl around me...punishments will increase stage by stage...like what mr quek said, progression...if the rest won't do it...then i guess i have to start the ball rolling...welfare will be compromised...to be more detailed, i will be stricter...more push ups, more physical training...i'm going to act like a catalytic converter...the one who speeds up reaction...

Therefore, my demands will be higher...i will squeeze them...make them go through the hardship...so that they will understand and hopefully able to cope with other obstacles in life which will definitely be worse and more challenging...like what one of my ex master sergeants once said "the society will be much harsher and cruel"...so I hope that my juniors will understand that i mean them no harm...but i want to tell them" look..its going to be much harder out there.." i've tasted the harshness of ncc training..used to...its all history now...but i'm glad i've come this far...knowing that im equipped...so i may be harsher towards my juniors from next training onwards...hope u all will not look at me in the wrong perspective..even though i very well know tt u all will...

my intentions of writing this is actually for my own reference...to drive myself to drive others...

next thing...i may be giving a cold shoulder to SOME of the udis..just want to let u all know tt it cant be help...it juz too bad...and to kenny...i pray really hard that u will become the CSM...i used to not pray for that cuz i was happy and sure tt u will..but looking at the way things are now...the unexpected turnout...i guess i have to...this is specially to kenny...my best wishes for u...gd luck ahead...hope that miracles will help u along the way in ur coming months in ncc life...cuz u r going to need all the miracles, gd lucks that u can get...

and to ncc..may u be saved from the hands of those who are out there to eradicate ur dying spirit...

::: Doing my best :::

Anger taking its peak for today...actually it leans more on dissapointment but hell I ain't feel good...owe some ppl testis..I hope u all will wait patiently for them cuz I am really feeling kinda of squeeezy and I need some breathing space...some low lying morons out there thinks that kindness,patience, and respect comes for free..really feeling confused now...mayb what I'm writting won't be much of sense...

Went to school happily today...cuz I was given the opportunity to umpire several floorball games at school...pretty tough job though...and man it was tiring cuz there were only the five of us and we had to carry a whole load of equipment to the basketball court for the game...it was actually a floorball competition among 4 NPCC units around the area...so there were other schools taking part...too bad didn't really look out for pretty gals...basically becusz its hot and I can't really b bothered...maybe got some...caught some glimpses...it was really an experience though...

then lesson was short for today...only 2 hrs for me today...then went for some freaking ncc business...this is where the root of most of my evil traits lies...they really suck my blood...blood suckers...went up to ncc room to take the attendance book..then went down to take the attendance of my fellow sec 3 cadets...poor attendance...and guess what...the sir scolded me...well not only scolded but he literally shouted at my face...to be optimistic...i was quite happy at my reaction..stood my ground... didn't even flinch...so what if he just come back from his exams...he chose to come back and help the unit...and for the poor attendance...was it really my fault? what im not happy with is that he's venting his anger on me...moreover i'm only the ASSISTANT PLATOON COMMANDER...and the platoon commander wasn't even there...what the hell...well i kept my cool and i am pretty proud of it...went up to call the rest then...i wasn't really happy with my superiors about the chosen UDI's and now they are doing this to me...and ya...the five are chosen and there isn't any changes...the first word that comes to mind was ''die''...ncc is practically not breathing...slacking...standard sliding down like a snow sled going down a mountain slope...went home with a heavy heart...recalled back the days of sufferings that I experienced...thought that it will all be paid back...but it wasn't really paid back...at least that's what i think...but of course...the values attained from those sacred experiences are priceless and can't be robbed off...i really thank god for that...cuz basically that's what is left for me...while i'm writing this those memories slipped into my mind one after another...and i pity my juniors cuz they are not getting this priveleges...and i really mean those sufferings as benefits and priveleges...so sad...what's the reason? cuz CSS NCC is moving towards welfare...why? cuz most of the five chosen ones are a bunch of people who gives all the welfare that they can possibly give...and what's the result? simple logic will tell you that standard will drop...fitness will go down the drain...and so on and so forth...to put it in the simplest way which even the retard can understand is without hardwork, quality results will never come to your doorstep...welfare, welfare and more welfare...that's all that they can think of...fun, fun and more fun...zero seriousness in training...might as well don't train...and still can be chosen to be a UDI...the ''fun culture'',as of how mr quek's put it, is creeping into this CCA which is supposedly to consist of people who are equipped with moral values like discipline and the likes of it...is skipping school a sign of good moral value? how about being retained? the answer is obvious...i'm going to see the downfall...mayb i'm going to sit back and relax and do whatever I can and then enjoy the ''movie''...

::: What goes around, comes around :::

Life's getting on the lighter note I guess...didn't manage to blog yesterday so i'm combining both in this entry...

Was kind of glad tt I finally got the chance to buy my cubato plus...i was really attracted to the design...so went to peninsula plaza yesterday with shahid...things didn't really follow acording to plan...however things turn out to be fine...wasn't feeling lonely cuz shahid my good freind was there to keep me company...talked about a lot of stuff...rings a bell shahid? hahaz..anywayz i was quite dissappointed that I didn't get my shoe at peninsula plaza cuz the effort of going there was close to pointless...the uncle at the shop said he had run out of the cubato plus last month and was surprised by that...inside my mind i was like, 'so fast?'...so had to take 51 to queensway instead...walked around first from shop to shop...then finally went to salman and sons...and i received another wonderful surprise...it all started a few weeks ago when I went there to survey the shoes and got hooked on by the one that i've juz bought...i told the guy there that i wasn't buying on that there and we made a deal that if i were to buy the shoe i would go to him...then i was in doubt becuz i wasn't even sure that i'll be getting the shoe...anywayz weeks past and only yesterday then I went there and amazingly he remembered me!!! was kind of overwhelmed cuz not many ppl remember me especially if i'm juz a passer by in their life....then I tried to bargain with him to lower the price and he told me he can't...infact he could jack up the price to 1oo over bucks as the shoes were being sold like hot cakes...and the stock is getting lesser by the day...popular shoe...then another little surprise...he gave me a o.5l adidas bottle worth of $7 for free!!! didn't expect that to happen...so yeah...that's about all that happened yesterday...

moving on to today...had hockey in the morning...then lessons and ms lim is on mc!! i was like what the *toot*anyway...this was the first time that me and some other guys went to bath in sch right after our hockey training...and I felt refreshed after that...was like in top form for lessons but still felt a bit sleepy towards the end...nearly doze off during social studies...nothing much happened...decided to juz head home after school...took 187 and i sat opposite of this boy and girl which i presume are from st anthony pri. sch. by the look of their uniform...they are tamils btw...dun really no for sure but judging from skin colour it should be...anywayz thats not the jist of what i'm trying to share here...since the beginning of the journey they were like looking at me with eyes which i can't really interpret and weave them into words...somewhat innocent...mayb sympathetic or mayb amazed? this is difficult mayb its all pooled and jumbled up together...they look at me like i'm some kind of angel or guardian that will help them out with their problems...btw i think they are siblings...they kinda of look pitiful...felt quite uneasy at that time...then along the way they kind of fall asleep until the bus came to a final stop at boon lay interchange...the being a kind soul i woke them up before alighting...man why am i like flattering myself..sheesh...pardon me for that...i'm not really "pure" yet i think...


::: little surprises are like sparks which lights up your path in life...small, rare, interesting :::

Its been decades since I blogged..really don't feel like writting anything now...juz finished malay 'o' level paper...quite ok I guess...I'm never sure of a lot of things...

This goes to this person yar..as usual I won't disclose his/her name...anyways...juz would like to let u know that I'm no love doc. so please think again before following my advices..advices given by me are of which I think is the best for you...the ones that can save you...but of course it's from my own perspective...this is pretty tragic cuz I think that u r lovin the person who is fond of me ( not trying to show off anyhting here :p) ....1 advice above the rest is that try to control ur emotions yar..from what i observe u r getting out of control...get hold of urself....I've been tolerating ur nonsense but since ur my friend...I dun really mind....but dun ever push me to the edge cuz then I'll push u back yar...i have my limits....ur lucky now that these limits have been extended with the years of my existence....if the limits were of a few yrs ago, most probably we won't still be frenz though...i used to be quite temperament...can ask one of my pri. sch teachers or even some of my relatives....in one of my years in pri sch...this particular teacher wrote this as my remarks in my annual report card "Sometimes he could not control his temperament towards his classmates."cant remember of any incident that proves this but maybe there is...anyway why would my teacher lie right? He's a superb teacher anyway and till now I still look up to him as one of my role models...so my point is please do not get manipulated by females yar....hmm...what else can I say? And yar...as a good muslim I shall remind u not to do anything that's stupid yar..dun really encourage the idea of u getting into a relatonship...and before I say anything more, beleive me I'm not jealous...ok...although no one has yet to accuse me of that..I shall officially declare that I'M NOT JEALOUS.....remember ur responsibilities my friend...dun get towed away by waves of fantasy and emotions....it's all about control...this may be hurtful but I shall drag you into the future...thnk ahead...how long could you possibly be with her? days? weeks? months? I don't know and so do you....even more importantly...will it affect ur future? u still hav a long way to go...more people to meet....more things to see....and lastly...how sure are u that she sincerely loves u...mayb this is like putting salt on the wound in ur heart but believe me...u won't lose out if u have not tasted relationships in ur childhood...so what am I trying to say here is...leave her....u can tell her how much u love her...u can tell her all u want but relationship? no...I strongly advice u to stay away from them..at this time love sucks...as the music goes "love is pain and pain is love"..cant recall what song but I'm sure it exists...so I guess that's all about it...


::: Are sufferings being invested into sweet happiness? :::