Frankly, I don't where or how to start. Well, I just have. What the... how lame can I be? That aside, I have some particular matter to say here. It might be something similar to what I've wrote before.

All this while, I guess I've heard of such stories.But never had it crossed my mind that I would have to go into combat such a problem at such close quarters. One thing I hate about humans is that they are damn weird. Damn complex creatures.

She phoned me again today. It was a rather unexpected call. I didn't expect to face such a difficulty, again. This time, he really went beyond the border. I thought his mind was decent enough to actually make changes but I guess I was wrong. I'm far beyond angry. I'm too angry until I can't be angry anymore. I'm damn dissapointed. For he had not heed my advice.

Things have never been simple in life. Its not the difficulty of handling the problem itself that had caused this utmost remorse in me. Its the injustice that is shone brightly infornt of my face. It was blinding and you bet it was hurtful too. The first call was like the previous one. She enquired on his whereabouts and so on. She did asked for my help. To contact him and do whatever is necessary. Then I thought that was it. Then I decided to do just that. Little did I know that there was more to it.

So the second call came. This time, she confided in me. She cried. She was pleading me, and to a certain extent begging me. Asking for my help to change him and bring him back to properity. I said I would advice him and told her not to worry about it. He had caused her so much pain. he had actually put the other her above her. Is that the way it should be? The one who had seen you through your life till now, the one who actually made mountains of sacrifices for you and you can actually place her at the second level? And placed the girl whom you've had only known for like 3+ years before her? How could you? What's the matter with you? Do you know how remorse she was when she called me? She was freaked out and damn worried about you, do you know that? She can even praised about you when you were before the recent times. You were relatively good. And the fact that she cried and confided in ME...of all people...ME...not that I don't want to listen...but ME? A person whom have no blood relation to you and your family. An outsider. Meaning she really, badly need my help. It seems that she got no one else to turn to except for me.

My mind went blank for a moment when she started to talk about it. Subsequently, I began to feel some of her pain too. Maybe it was transferable via the optic fibres that connects the phone. Oh wait...I was using my handphone. Ok...nevermind about that. But yes...I could actually sense her sadness and grieve. She brokedown. Cried. And I felt like crying too. In between, I remembered my own mom. It was a heart throbbing taliking session. I was mute at that point of time. I've no idea on what to say. A mother actually confided in me, someone who is of no close relation. Oh my god...while I'm writing this, I'm listening to ''Bila Rindu'' by Ruffedge. Damn touching song. Love it a lot. Especially when the lyrics has got some connection with me. Ok..back on the topic. Ya..so basically I was truly dissappointed. I nearly brokedown and cried too.

In the beginning, I've actually thought about the things that have been revolving around me. I finally decided that I've to heck care a few things. And he was actually one of them. I thought, I won't let him mangel with my life anymore. And so he was brought down to the rank of only an aquantaince. It was close enough to enemy but I've made a promise not to have anyone in there as far as possible. So now, out of mercy, and because of his mother and the injustice brought across, I can't blind pass this matter. I've to settle it. It's too obvious that it's up to me to deal with this. I hope I can quickly settle this but I don't think that it will be solved in the near future. It'll take time...I hate this. But I have to do it. If not who will? Anyway, I'll be irresponsible if I don't so this. Anyway....Shit.

===================================================================

Wonderful little things have happened this week. The link between her and me had miraculously been made much clearer to the class. I've nothing much to bother.I mean it's not a crime to like her, is it?

[Monday]

Brought the thing to school. People around me get to know it since they read it while taking the sweets. Hahahaz..yum yum. What Hamidah said at the study session today strucked me. Even though I've so called thought of it before. Anyway, I got to realize why 'o' levels means so much to me. It's not really the grades. Anyway the question kept ringing in my ears...'' What's there after 'o' levels?''

[Tuesday]

It was highlighted during PE. Well, what was I supposed to do? Carry her? Hahahaz...I was kinda crazy anyway today...dunno why. Math lesson. One special one. I think Ms Chua knows it too. Hahahaz...3 pairs.

[Wednesday]

CME period. Well...it happened because you asked that question to Mdm Ros. Then she relate to me. Hahahaz..anything that has got to do with marriage and whatever it is, I'm always the first one to get it. Mdm Ros was like being able to read the situation. I got teased to the max...Hahahaz

Hmm..pretty cool stuff...small, cute memories. I love to sleep with them everyday.

::: Everyone knows it? Like I care... :::

Cool birthday I had this year. It's pretty special. I guess there's a lot to write so I'll just go straight to the point.

I wasn't actually looking forward to it. I was more keen for yesterday to end. I need some time off from school. Pressure is escalating and my stubborn brain refuses to work. Even though I was feeling tired on Wednesday, I was feeling upbeat inside me.

Oh yar...before I forget, I just met my goal on my last PE session and that is to run below 10 mins. I've been feeling kind of stressed lately and when it came to running I became 'high'. I was so pressured I didn't spare a thought on pacing. I just kept on running. The more exhausted I am, the more relieve I get from stress. Even the day before when it was during moring run, I gave it all out. Because I felt like killing myself and the closest I can get is to run like there's no tomorrow.

On the day of my b'day, I had this irritating my voice inside my head which kept reminding me of that rather special day. It nearly drove me crazy because then I couldn't concentrate in class. Arghh..stupid voice. Luckily it wasn't one of my PMS days. If not I would have torn myself apart. It was a weird day too because my feelings were fluctuating like the lifeline on the CRO. It was kind of a funy feeling. But it was a rather good end for the day even though it was simple. Simple but sweet.

Alvin called me some days before my b'day. Asked me when's my b'day and what I would like as a present. I was like kind of surprised. I mean how did he get the idea that my b'day was coming? So it was very likely that someone from my class had at least told him about it because I think only some of my classmates know about my birthday. Then after pressing me for quite a while, he enquired on which is my favourite soccer team. So I just said Real Madrid. Then that was all. In my mind I've already formed a possibility that he and some of my classmates had become an ''alliance''. So when I received the gift from my friends, which is a Real Madrid training tee, I almost confirmed my theory so later after that I asked Haikal about it and he negate it. And in the card also, there wasn't Alvin's name. So now there's like question marks. Hmm..I shall ask Alvin myself then. And thanks guys for the tee. It was a nice one. You people even got the colour combination right. Oh yar...to the person who wrapped it, unique way of wrapping. Didn't thought of it. Nevertheless, I don't think you can surpass my dad in this. He's a real pro at it. He's very creative. I always get him to help me in my Art subject last time.

Then, came the gift from her. I wasn't expecting anything actually, I don't know why. I was so called caught off guard because it was pretty hectic in class at that time. People all over the place. Though it seemed it was nothing big, it possesed a pretty high value. So called a highly value-added gift. Those cookies and notes are pretty meaningful. Really. Somehow I could sense joy when you were writing it. I hope that's true. I know that it's not easy to bake stuff. All I know about is how to eat them. And the fact that you have actually baked something for the first time...and it was for me...I felt kind of honoured and special. Some way or another, I could also feel the effort you've put in. Something, that I had never really experienced. Then it dawned on me that the gift had became part of me. It's contents are in my blood running through my blood vessels. Kind of figurative eh? Hahahaz...Syamil's born to be a weirdo.

When I finally got back home that day, I washed up and had a meal. After which I went to my room to attend to my gifts. I opened the one with the t-shirt first. After that I placed it aside and took out the containers of the cookies. I lifted it up and rotate it with my hand. Hmm...then I asked myself, is this home made or bought? Then, came the next question: What am I supposed to do with this? Then after a few seconds, a shout filled and shook my head. " Eat it lar! What kind of stupid question is that?!! " Yes..indeed it was a dumb question. I was like..''yar hor..'' I was damn blur at that time..hahaz. I guess I was just tired.

Then, I opened the cover, smelled it. Ok...that's it. Most likely it's bought because the smell of it was like cookies from Famous Amos. so then I picked one and took a bite. Ok..that's it, I;m wrong. It's home made. And then read the small note which confirmed my doubt. I felt kind of touched. Hmm..first time someone baked something specially for me. I actually don't really mind about the texture. I'm more particular about the taste. Thanks Nic for everything.

After my evening prayers, I was exhausted so I went straight to bed. I woke up just on time to celebrate me and my mom's birthday. Our birthdays clash and that gives me mopre than a reason to actually love, appreciate and take care of her. I can't afford to dissapoint her. Well...she did receive excruciating pain as her birthday cake in the year 1989. So it has be come a duty. I feel indebt towards her.

I love my family a lot even though my family is not wealthy enough to get things that i actually want. But I've learnt that that doesn't matter. We had our good times together. And I've comr to appreciate them better upon knowing that some people out there does not posses such ''wealth''. I feel kind of fortunate. When God takes something from somewhere, He puts extra in another.

So this year I told my family that I would just like to have a new pair of specs for my birthday and nothing more. But being very nice people, my mom gave me 10 bucks and my father gave me 5o. I was surprised. I didn't expect it. Then, my father gave me some more stuff which are equally meaningful. Though they are things of which I have no desire for, its worth keeping. Thank you mom, dad, fiqah and syakir for being there to celebrate my birthday together. You people being there is good enough.

Then, I shared the special cookies with my family. Before the celebration my brother had already eyed it. I told him to wait. And then when it was time he didn't want to. Aiyo...naughty boy...hahaz..Then my mom was like saying, '' Syakir makan la..kan dari abang punye girlfriend..kalau sedap nanti boleh suruh buat untuk Syakir pulak...'' I was still like half asleep so I didn't really caught the word ''girlfriend''. So I didn't say anything. And my silence response was like me agreeing on it. Somehow, that silence is an indication that what my mom said was right. But the fact is, I don't have one. Then after a few seconds, I said to myself, '' oh no..why didn't I say anything.'' ok lar...think what you all want to think...whatever...

I mentioned before that I would like to apologise to a few people. I won't list names but I hope they know who they are and that they would miracolously come across my blog and read this. Anyway, yar...I would like to say sorry to those girls whom I've so called ignored in the past. I didn't really gave clean rejections. I'm sorry for not being able to at least appreciate and be thankful to you people for making me feel that I was needed in this planet. There was once in P4 when this girl gave me a present wth no apparent reason. And I sort of give that ''I don't give a shit'' response. I should have been more sensitive but I guess I was just wasn't matured enough. Then got once she and some of my other friends came and visit me when I was sick. Again, I failed to comprehend that they care for me. Yar...then in P6...this girl gave a glass with a Tazmanian devil cartoon on it. Only this year that I took it out and use it. I can't remember whether I thank her or not. So sorry again...even though it's not really of any use now I think...and to another girl...I'm sorry if I had so called ''used'' you. You may not know becuz I kept it to myself. Last time, my friends used to pester me and ask me whom I like. I was so pissed that one day I told them I like this girl...but I know I was like lying. But it was lucky that I didn't go on futher. Because I thought after saying that, my friends would shut up and not disturb me about it anymore. Instead, they tried to tell her for me. I don't know whether they did. I hope not. Anyway, she went back to China after PSLE. So yar...so sorry to all you gals whom I've given unsatisfactory treatment...hope you people won't hold any grudges against me. I'm sorry for being such a bastard.Nevertheless, I shall remeber you all. Please note that I'm not ''boasting'' or whatever it is....i just feel the need to apologise to these people. I wish you all success in life. Don't worry, there are guys which are much more suitable for you all than me out there. The time will come. hahaz :)

Oh yar, one more group of people I would like to thank and that is the malay girls who wished me happy birthday and attempted to sing me a b'day song..but it rained even before you all start. Hahahaz...just joking..I don't why you people are more excited than me regarding the occasion...you people are really hyperactive I guess and yar, Hashimah, the remark on the kiss was true I guess. I did hope for it( hold on, I didn't want a kiss from Hashimah). Hahahaz.

My 16th birthday is rather a simple but very extremely special, meaningful and memorable one for me...I treasure it a lot. Even though some of the other days were like shit. Thanks to all those peeps who've made it a wonderful occasion.

::: I'm a year older :::

AFTER ACTION REVIEW ( AAR )

No doubt I was frustrated. Thwarted. It lasted for a while. The cure was my sleep I guess. Had a long one. Didn't feel like waking up. Even then, my sleep was visited by dreams that I never thought would come. I was very sure that I wasn't angry with her. Neither was I angry with myself. And it was then that I realized that I may be angry because I cannot take out the blame on anyone or even anything. It happened because it just happens.

I wasn't angry with her. Even though I cursed and swear. Sheesh...I'm so abashed of myself. So damn childish. Nevermind. She wasn't to be blamed. She had her reasons. I respect her decisions or whatever it is.

I wasn't livid with myself. That is very translucent. No question at all. I did all I could. I prepared everything, did my homework and done what was within my capabilities. It was pretty tricky when I went about doing it all. Very high hurdles I must say.

In between my fluctuating states of anger, I managed to take an overview. And this question instantaneously pops up. Why am I angry with such a tiny itsy bitsy thing? So I spent the whole night thinking and thinking in that bloody state of ire that I supposedly should not be in. I was blessed to have found several answers. Perhaps i did a lot to set up that part of the future. That very few hours. Perhaps I was going way far beyond my imagination. I did too much. Worried too much. Way too much. But then again, you wouldn't know till you've tried and done your best. So I guess I didn't regret doing too much.

But then, I came up with other reasons. I thought that this may be the last chance for her. Last chance for what? I shrugged. Perhaps it was her last chance of saving herself from getting dissapointed? Maybe...but it may be the last chance for me too. The last chance to have a talk or rather turn things around. Settle everything and make everything alright. Because there is a very slim chance of getting this near-perfect scenario. Maybe I was angry because of that. Or maybe there's another reason. Maybe because it happened before, a couple of times. Twice I think...I ain't going to elaborate on these major events. Won't take them into consideration cause I feel that it's rather unfair.

When Mission Runaway Goose was over, several options and thoughts came into my mind. Being in that state of ire mixed with disappointment, there's no surprise that there were ''mean'' moves that I thought of making.

I thought of taking ''revenge''.
I thought of turning the table.
I thought of calling for a war.
I thought of hurting her.
I thought of abdication.
I thought of shutting myself from the world.
I thought of letting my heart get inured.
I thought of not being happy again.
I thought of being a person handicapped of laughter.
I thought that maybe this was all a conspiracy.
I thought my feelings were being played with, manipulated.

But then, each time those negative thoughts appeared right in front of my face, I shove it away and give it a one hard kick on the ass. How can I think so badly of my friends? So I decided, I will just accept whatever it is. I want to be just me. You've done what you could, I told myself. Give a pat on your back. It has all happened. Can't reverse the time. Grieve as much as you want. And then get on from there. It's a learning experience. Indeed it was.

Like I've mentioned earlier, this stuff had crept into my dreams. I dreamt that my family and relatives all know about me and her. I also dreamt that people or rather teenagers I think ( I've no idea who they are ), spurring me on to ''get along'' with her. And i don't know why in that dream, I had so called neglected NCC. It was like I was to inform my platoonmates of the affirmation ceremony and I myself had forgotten about it. But then, my affirmation ceremony was like years ago. So this part is like out of place. Nevertheless it was like a symbolism that I had neglected NCC. But in reality, I don't know. I don't think I have.

I've no idea what's going to happen next. My brain's conked out. I was still in bad shape this morning but my state has improved. I must circumvent this and the only way I know is to wrought my soul to look at the spectacle of positivity. I managed. After this, I won't know whether I'll be the same again. It depends on how much have this affect me and my speed of recovery. It may seemed that I may not be affected by this. But no one knows the hardest battles that I've fought. I can't bring others into this can I? Anyway, there were alot more to say I suppose, but perhaps they have no direct relation to this. Hmm..another bad March I guess...Hahahaz...or maybe it's just the way I see it.

::: I'll force a smile :::

Di celah-celah kalimat,
Di bawah naungan makna,
Tergari secebis harapan.
Kuncinya terkatup di tanganku.

Aku dapat melihatnya.
Berbalam tapi cerlang.
Kakiku mengorak langkah.
Namun aku tetap.

Aku tidak pasti.
Menagapakah kata-kata hati,
Sekadar tersangkut di benak ini.
Membelot setiap kali bertemu,
Denganmu.

Taufan kerisauan bergelut,
Bersama iman yang terpaut.
Aku,
Aku takut.
Takut kehilanganmu.

Setiap kata balas dari bibirmu,
Menenangkan hatiku.
Meninggikan panji harapan.
Bersama sebentuk peluang,
Peluang keemasan.

Aku tidak mahu perasaan ini,
Ikatan ini,
Dihidu kedatangan fasid.
Biarlah ia berenang di kolam emosi.
Jadikanlah ia basahan hidup.

Seandainya ia harus brakhir,
Janganlah ia diberikan nama itu.
Sesungghnya janganlah ia berakhir,
Biarlah ia berdiri.
Tidak berganjak dari hati.
Aku di hatimu.
Kamu di hatiku.

::: Only almost here :::

Had gone for the Adam Khoo's ''I'm Gifted So Are You'' programme. Pretty good course. That's when I learnt a lot about things in life. I have to thank them. They made my future career path to be more lucid. And it really gave me a lot of confidence to actually believe that I can achieve what I want. I also get to attend a reunion. With the real me.

Wow...I actually have really nice friends. You guys are great. It started off on Monday. I actually joined this group of friends to study. Then came lunch time. So I told them to go off and eat and don't bother about me. But then Haikal dragged me out to eat with him. He ''belanja-ed'' me lar..then went to eat at near Westmall there...Second day which was yesterday, we had another study session. Again it was lunch time. Then Thomas and Haikal went off to eat at Mc i think...anyway after they left, I was still carrying on working..then after that went off to the mosque to pray. After that when I came back, thomas had bought for me a Big Mac and a drink. Thanks a lot man. After that day, I was determined that it shall not happen again. So I decided that I shall not allow people to ''belanja'' me again. So I had actually made up my mind yesterday that i won't attend today's study session..or at least i would leave before it comes to lunch time.
But then after the remedial in the morning, I had to do some pair work so I had to go to the canteen. Then Lastrina was like asking me whether i would like to buy anything because she and Rohanna was going outside school to buy food. I eagerly said I do not want...but guess what...when they came back, they got me a 1oo plus and a hotdog sandwich. I really didn't expect you people to buy food for me. I was like oh no...not again...then after that went up to class because then i decided that i would attend the study session cause my so called mission had failed. then after that, hamidah also ''belanja-ed'' me. i really had nothing to say. Well, like that wasn't enough, after we had lunch, haikal bought me ice-cream. Wow...these people are damn nice...Really, really appreciate it.

truthfully, i really had no money to buy anything because I had set aside all of my allowance for something rather much more important. And guys, the free-lunches weren't really necessary. It's not like I'm going to fall dead if I don't eat. And seriously, there were times when it was worse and still i pulled through. Nevetheless, I appreciate all that you people have done for me. Wonderful guys you are. May god bless you all. Hahaz...

And then before i went up to 4/3 to attend the study session, I was like passing by the blue sky stage. There, there were band members from ghim moh with a guy which i assumed is the teacher-in-charge. then I overheard him asking his band members wads the difference between them and Commonwealth's band members. and one of them replied,'' they got passion''. And the teacher-in-charge agreed. he went on saying that his people has to put their heart and soul when playing...yar that's about how much I've heard...kudos to the CMB..hahahaz...

::: Time's running out :::

What the..this time really sian...can't even pick myself up..

[ Approx. 1500hrs]

Dogfight. 1 on 1. U go in, i oso go in...u win, I die. Urghh..I'm down. the bulding has been hijacked

I was left stranded, alone. With shaking legs, I hauled myself. Paralysed. hurt. inside out. Skinned heart.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Recently...i noticed something about this world...
The world that revolves around me...
Some people are rather shockingly blind...
They wear sunglasses.
Walking without their sticks.
Don't want to, but have to.
Cant do, but have to.
Want to, dunno how to.
what crap am I writing...
hahaz..true lar..just that its..figuritve?
All sorts of people.
From almost all directions.
Suddenly come up and charge at me.
Today got alot.
Nearly went out of control.
Actually got lar..hahaz..too bad...
I don't know whats happeing to me.

i'm so distraught.

Mission failed.

i failed to climb out of the pit.

but i survived.

I see the light.

Wonder when can i reach it.

::: No quote for today :::

Shacked. War. War with my worst enemy. The Z monster!!! Arghh...fighting to stay awake...I need to write it all down here or else i'll forget about them...i got old brain...very absent-minded.

A lot has been happening. I somehow excluded some of them from my previous entries. So that's it. I've set my mind. This week shall be a good one. Spirits will be mantained at its optimum level.

Let's touch on the things that i don't really want to talk about first. i don't want to indulge in them...its unhealthy for my mind and body. I'm facing with a dilema. Its' either values or answers. I know the correct answer. I know. but then its quite painful for me. This is like a golden chance. But I guess i just have to let it go. Nevermind, if that's the way it should be...then let it be...Hmmm..sacrifices. Neverending. It's become one of the food in my drawers. Bleah...tastes like veges..why? Cuz i don't really like veges...hahaz..

And you...hey, if you want to lie to me..that's your problem. But don't lie to yourself. You ah...Aiya..i don't know what to say...are you trying to make me jealous or somethimg? hey, you're lucky its me..if you still like her or whatever crap it is...then just face it...i may be wrong or right in this..don't cheat your own feelings. Yar u can differ your actions but i hope you'll be true to yourself...I don't know what's your motif you know..fuelling my anger...bah...i ain't gonna bother...and please lar...i don't think or rather i KNOW that i'm not great juz because i got her...ok? huh..i'll be satisfied if i dismiss this matter with the word...''bullshit''..not that it means or apply anything to what i'm saying earlier on..but i just like it...its sort of my style..a bad and ugly one...

Ok...now to the healthier stuff....went to suntec city yesterday...watched ''hitch''. shall talk about that later..the most vivid memory that I actually have is the frame of time before the movie...hahahz..nvm if you don't understand...hmm..thanks bro..really appreciated it...what a nice present for me..hahaz..wah..kind of unlucky for my first time going out with you( as in only e 2 of us)...got ''jet'' or ''conned'' before meeting u...i'm so blur...then..was rushing rushing...lucky im not late...then when rushing rushing i hurt my feet..oww...lucky pain for a while only...hmm..can't help but to notice something about you...i'm not going to say anything...hahaz..dun worry lar..nothing big...oh yar...then the most ''suay'' thing happened...met my relative...on my father's side one..i think they didn't saw us lar...i really hope so..if this gets to my parents, im so going to feel bad about it unless they don't mind about it..oh manz...sort of bad luck....hahaz..

oh yar..so watched ''hitch'' the movie kept me rocking on my chair..laughing away...really..the show was really humorous...go catch it..i think i'll buy the vcd..hahaz..it was really meaningful..the message that the show wanted to really bring across was kind of towards the end of the story. at least that's what i think...hahazz..didn't waste money on some good movie..

ok so i shall record history down here...RI's goalpost finally got shotgunned by CSS..specifically by CHAN HEI WAI!!!!!! that was a nice one bro...hahaz...but so sad...we conceded one..but you made history man...or rather..we did it...now more insights towards the clsoe-to-wonderful game. oh yar...we drew with RI, 1-1, that's the history...

Oh my god...it was pretty bad...there was like an air raid at CSS 's own half...i was in it...bombarded by shells, grenades, bullets and what have u..BUT..the defence was solid, concrete..i was kind of delighted by their play..yeah..it was pretty bad back there...RI players darting around making our lives damn tough...they took like a thousand and one shots at goal. we didn't allow it to get in. we dispel them. we defended. we hold on...persevere...and wallah we got a draw..a remarkable achievement...considering we lost a match to them last year and the scoreline was 4-0..it was worth getting hurt..my sacrifices didn't amount to nothing..thanks guys..you people rock...hmm...desperate measures..rings a bell omar? hahaz..yeah..i feel so happy..partly bcause of what i did...today..i made my longest run upfront..and it's in a game with great opponents such as RI..i feel good..and it was nearly a goal...not me scoring lar..i mean i passed succesfully to the striker but he didn't managed to convert it. I was so near to RI's 25 yard line..that's like at their first quarter of the pitch...yesh!!! hahaz..RI's not so great after all...it's all in the mind.

Somehow, this tournament had made me ralize something. i learnt to be happy for my friends and not get jealous with them..really...it was something i never thoght of before..I should learn from them...im happy for tuck wen, hei wai and timothy..they did well..contributed to the team a lot..i salute you people...For this match...i want to really thank my fellow defenders...namely..omar,shahid,johnathan teo, and the man...TIMOTHY!!! OUR GOALKEEPER!!!...I tell you..he was magnificent today...he saved a lot...at times 3 consecutive shots...he's really good today..keep it up man...im so happy for you..wow..you're amazing..looks like my trust have not gone to waste..even though we conceded one...believe me..ur saves today was more than enough to cover the debt. Good one bro..

my goal for this match was actually 0 concedes..but then..the top performance was there today. We weren't thrashed. Not even a lost. I don't care. This time the fame shall go to the defenders...hahaz..i'm so lame...but yeah..i'm so proud of them...i just pray hard that we'll win when against jurong west later the day after tomorrow..we opened the door a bit for us to reach top four...wow...

::: In order to be champions, we have to beat the champions :::

Energy-drained. Kind of tired because I had a lot of work today at the back. A lot of defence work that i need to do. However, we did badly. Got beaten with a scoreline of 6-0. Pretty devastating. Bad play. Really.

When a team wins a game, it's a stereotype that all eyes would be on the strikers. On very rare occasions, do people pay their attention to the back people who actually played a big role in contributing to the win. It's no one's fault. It's how nature works. Though its unfair. But one has to realized one day that it is not the responsibility of life to determine whether things are brought or done base on justice. These type of things just happen. But it is probably because of this that life is so interesting. And on many occasions, when a team loses, it is inevitable to have people holding on to views that the defence is lousy. The defence is to be blame. The defence sucks. I don't blame you if you hold such a perception. i mean, i do it too. But it's always only my first impression. After being placed as a defender for a quite long time, I feel the ''victimised'' by this too. Even though nobody said it explicitly, but inside them I know that they do think that way. And it is even harder to repel such one sided ideas when the team is thrashed. 5-0. 7-0. 12-0. To me, these scorelines are very embaressing. And i feel ashamed too. So yeah, Northland beat Commonwealth 6-0 today. Done what I could. But somehow I didn't achieved that sense of fulfillment.

I've already set my mind. That next week I would not be slacking or rather be discouraged by bad stuff. I'll have to turn the tide. i don't want to be in waters of misery for a long time. It's a waste of time though necessary. i need to catch up on my work. bleah.... :)

::: Man of the match :::

I'll make today's entry short and sweet. I just need to jot it down. I want to grab as many meaningful memories as I can. It's something about..oh well..you'll get the idea.

I was very touched by that entry of yours. Then, i realised why I've come to like you so much. I used to say that I don't know why I like you but now I do...I didn't believe you could be such an understanding person. Not that I think that you're otherwise but I have this mindset that such people had actually extinct. I take it that you sacrificed for me. No one had done that to me before. At least people that i know of. Frankly speaking I prayed hard that you'll understand my situation and it looks like my prayers have been answered. You are the type of person that i'm looking for. One that can understand and help me to get along with life. To tell you the truth, i've never felt so sure of things before. This feeling...i felt completely sure about it. For once. i actually believe fully, wholly. And during CME lesson today, I believe your vow was sincere. Just to let you know, you're such a caring and nice person. Please stay this way throughout your life. You'll make a good wife.

This thingy had actually increased my love for God too. It suddenly made me realized that what brother Hatta said was true. When you love someone, you can atually increase your love and faith to god. I find it very beautiful. I was so thankful and relieved when i read your entry. Really, you're such an understanding person. I find the whole thing a whole new experience. Wow..this amazes me.On another note, this thingy had actually made me out to be more discipline too. You made me believe again. It is actually possible to focus and seperate things so that it won't affect one another. you taught me that. thanks a lot..

I actually want to talk things out..regarding the both of us..and I prefer to do it on one on one basis..i'm dying to. but then..i don't know..this is so complicated..one day, i really think that we should sit and talk things out. i hope that day will come.

Before i end off, this seems that i'm the one who is 'gaining' from this...as in everything is done my way..you know..like everything is done in my favour...if you need anything, just come to me. I'll be glad to help. if you need comfort, come to me. I hope we'll talk to each other soon...

::: Beautiful :::

Had a few things to be happy about recently. However, I still don't feel the same. I don't know why. I find that it's hard for me to pick myself up. I feel so isolated. To whoever is reading this: The following entry will have negativity content so if life is going on well for you, you might just want to click the small x at the top right corner of your screen.

Few days ago, got some news. Supposed to make me happy. Because this piece of news will stay as a mark in my life. the first girl who actually repaid my love. I was going ecstatic actually but...somehow, i don't feel that good. Again I don't know why. Man I'm just dumb. So yar, you actually made me happy for a while. Perhaps that was the best time for such an antidote for this aching heart.

Then come yesterday. For the first time in my life, I'm actually feeling nervous to go to school. Not because of hockey match. Just some weird feeling. I think its because of her. So i've mentioned about not being happy when I'm supposed to. When everything has gone according to my favour. So now, we'll start with it proper.

Firstly, the 'o' level results yesterday. I took the malay paper and then got the new that I got A2 for it. Kind of happy. More close to relief actually. because before that I heard that I person got C5 and that scared the hell out of me. I felt even more nervous. I was like ''jialat already''. Not that i don't have confidence, but this type of things, you can never be too sure. Then, it dawned on me who the person could possibly be. and my guess was right. i mean inside my heart, i told myself, '' tt person is punishable.'' i feel sad for him but I was also sad that i didn't manage to help him. Too bad, I can't control everything. i can barely control myself let alone others. So yeah..the results are supposed to make me happy. But it was like just an evening wind.nothing special.

then there was the hockey match against fuchun. the hockey team thrashed them 10-0. I was proud of the scoreline. Really proud (note, proud doesn't really mean happy). So yeah, another great achievement that i'm suppoesed to be happy with.

Another thing to be happy with..something to do with hockey also. Mr Lim actually complimented me. And although it was just a remark or comment, i knew he was serious about it and definitley i found some truth in it. he said infront of the other boys that if things are going to be so desperate, meaning that if our strikers really can't score goals, then he would put me as a striker, and that came along with the calling of me as his ''superstriker''. Man i find that really cool. And he went on saying that I had preserved my energy for the last four games waiting at the back. and that there will come a time when i will ''explode''. Then he also said that i would gallop and keep on scoring...hahaz...what the..it was funny at that point of time. He also mentioned that if I could actually spend more time training my skills, I could probably be an excellent striker. That didn't dawned on me before. nobody told me that before. I was pretty motivated by that. For a person who has been a lastman for more than abt 3 yrs...it is safe enough to say that i'm getting pretty ''excited'' to score goals. I really want to put in one. But then...too many restrictions. i tried by sprinting up along the sideline. i was nearly successful. but I didn't want to jeopardize the team's chances of winning..cuz frankly speaking, I think that they are not confident with the defence when I'm not around. Another thing that i'm supposed to be happy with, but i chose not to..with no apparent reason...i'm so full of negativity..

then after the game, you came. thanks for that..haahaz...after game incentive? that made me happy for a while too. i wasn't so sure whether to accompany you home...but then on impulse i didn't. After that, I had to dragged my heavy mass back home because something heavy went inside my brain. I wasn't sure what I did was right. True, you said that you wouldn't want me to be pressurized. but then, i somehow feel that you are rather dissappointed. i feel that i've let you down...too many times..tell me the truth if you really feel that way..let me know..it's no use keeping it away from me...

And today. I forgot to bring my math notes for the second time in a row. The first thing that came to mind was NOT that what is going to be the consequences...rather, i told myself this : are they going to take this as a sign of my so called ''downfall''? Because the damn truth is that what ever is happening in my relationship life is not the one that had caused me to forgot to bring my notes...even though ms chua was joking about it, i knew that some people will assume such a perception...well this isn't a shield. this is the truth. I am not affected by it. Is it some girl problem like what ms chua mentioned? No no no....its not..its just that i painly forgot.

One more thing before i end..this month is march. and traditionally, this period is supposed to be a ''bad'' or ''bad-luck'' period for me. I don't know...stupid things just keep happening in this frame of time. Nevertheless, I've made a point not to believe in such superstition.

::: Love through the eyes, not the words :::