Thanks to some things I'm finally extracted and digged out from the soil of misery. Really needed it. Really appreciate it. But I'm still pretty weak spiritually. They just keep coming, hot on my heels. Looking from above, I don't know what they are really for sure. Unidentified.

Was kind of happy with the defence on last Friday's match against the SCSS. We managed to put in 3 goals. Defence kept their shape. Very solid and organized. Despite the win, I'm still not that happy. I mean, our attackers are quite weak. They rarely convert chances into goals. I can't say anything much because I don't really know what's the underlying problem. Whatever it is, I hope we'll make it through the quarter finals. But my goal is, to fight to the very end. Even though I am only a defender. When the time comes, I'll eventually receive the unstoppable attacks of powerhouses.

The situation now is really unexpected. It surprises me a lot. I'm not really prepared for this. So now everything inside me is running helter-skelter trying to sketch out any possible plans. I have to face it. That's what I want. Face it. I'm aiming to be like that, once I set out something I'll do it. Didn't expect you to knock the door of my heart. I know that my actions are making you feel. I don't know...but its my nature to be like that. I put on facades sometimes. Its kind of automatic. I'll work around it somehow. I appreciate it. Just want to let you know that I feel the same way as you do. I'll figure something out. There's a lot for me to handle now. I'll think it through proper when the time permits. I don't want to make cursory moves or decisions. In the interim, just know that I like you, still. Didn't expect this. I hope this settles you down. Just believe that its you.

I don't know why but some things just drive me nuts. But now, I have figured out some, I don't feel that bad. But I'm still in bad shape. I'm going to do this. Separate them into different 'worlds'. So that one will not affect the other. I hope what I do in the future will be right. Unhurtful, I’m not too sure. But I'll do my best.

::: Brain dead :::

Had ncc training yesterday. A full one since a very long time ago. That's because I have to go for hockey trainings halfway. My ire had been flared up a bit for the past few days. It was so bad that I felt stabbing like myself. But of course not. I would not do such a thing. I'm in my darkest days currently and I really need some breathing space. One after another. When is it going to stop? I'm getting really tired. Very, very exhausted.

And so I felt that I am being controlled. Told to do this do that. You have to be more tactful and sensitive towards your actions and speeches. I'm not going to explain what's the real problem because I'm really too damn fucked up. I'm going to go on feigning to be blind. What matters most now is the progress of the juniors. However, I hope, really, that i won't have to treat you harshly one day. Your intentions MIGHT be good but your actions are definitely not appropiate. No use arguing with you because i know that it's going to be a waste of my time, brain cells, saliva and what have you. Please be reminded of what's your pposition in the hierarchy.Oh ya, this is something to do with ncc if any of you reading is in a daze.

And so I felt being choked with prejudice. What the hell? Does being a leader means that I have to do everything? Obviously no, am I not right? I'm not trying to run away from my reponsibilities here but I just feel that I'm carrying the burden of the whole group. Have any of you thought of how heavy it is? It's breaking my backbone and almost driving me nuts. And yeah I was so damn fucked up today. It started after the later part of the morning. Since you all don't want to care, I won't contribute wholly either. You think I'm going to do everything? Think again. Fucks...

And again I felt so...got any other word to use? nope, syamil. Fucked up is the best adjective. So I felt fucked up. You keep on doing it? Do it. Ya. Do more of it. Try to push me. Come on. Push me. Fun right? easy right? Do more. I don't care. Ya. You've seen it right. Do more. I challenge you. One day, i hope you'll leave this fucking characteristic of yours. If not than i hope and I believe that i will leave you one day. One day...

I do not know what has gotten into me. I feel more..I don't know. But for sure, I'm not beginning to react in guidance of what my heart says. I'm not superman. I cant handle everything. I'm just another human. I do whatever I can. Even though it breaks my heart to leave some things stagnant, unattended, I can't continue. I have my own wishes. My own life.I'll try to strike a balance, between my own interests and others. i just can't fulfill everthing that I want. Even though I'm a Syamil? What does it mean to be a syamil? Syamil means completeness i think. In malay if I'm not mistaken it's'' menyeluruh''. I am given the ability to see certai things. See what is really wrong with others. What's wrong in certain lives. Abd I also know what's the solution for most of the time. Nevertheless, I'm not equipped with the capability to amend those things. I can perhaps only say but it won't make people feel good both about themselves and me. And it's damn painful to see and not being able to do anything. My heart is being tossed into the grinder.

i do not know why the fuck am I living in denial. It's practical but it's very hurtful. Very. My actons, speeches all of them, denies the truth and somehow, I ahve some fucking problem controlling my nerves. breakdown in my system. Shit. I'm in shit. being suppresed to the bottom of the pits. Looks like its not going to be easy for the next few days perhaps weeks. I'll have to depend on laughter and free weekends and happy memories and happy thoughts to hold on. Whatever the situation is, I'm fucking damn going to hold on and pull myself together.

Yesterday's sleep was least peaceful. Damn why do I have to dream about her? Not that I don't want to but my sleep...I need a peaceful one. What else can I live on? I lost count on how many times I woke up startled. Really. It was a really..I don't know...It's like my life had been tugged out from my body. She felt so near. Maybe that's what startled me. I hope my sleep will be peaceful and ''undisturbed'' in the future.

P.S : I realized that I have used the word fuck a lot of times. i want to stress that the intensity of such ire and emotions are fading away and most probably gone. i just need to vomit it all out. Or else I'll be keeping in myself and it feels rather uncomfortable.

::: The truth is rarely pure and never simple :::

Last night's sleep wasn't that peaceful. I don't know why I'm so excited to face today. I'm like a crying baby presented with candies. I woke up suddenly, thinking it was already morning. Then a question came out of the blue the moment I woke up.." Is it tournament day? have I brought my jersey?'' nevertheless i don't think its because of the hockey tournament...it was something else...something more amazing..something great was about to happen. but I just chucked the feeling one side...thinking that it was just nothing.

Then the unexpected news came. COMMONWEALTH NCC UNIT CLINCHED THE GOLD AWARD!!!!!!! This is like very unexpected. I was thinking of us getting something on the other extreme. I feel so proud. I feel that I've accomplished something...or rather we. Wow...it really shocked me. It is like a bug evolving into young handsome man. The feeling was just great. However...there are still a lot of things to be done. Both sustaining the standard and ascending it to greater heights. The news was unbelievable. It added value to the green uniform that I've been so proud of. And then Kenny was like so thrilled when Mr Faizal told him about it. I was too. I felt like parading around the school with my green uniform. Now, this is something so sweet and wonderful.

It kicked off the day well. then physics common test wasn't much of a problem. Everything was running well today. I'm turning in early tonight. Got a match to catch tomorrow morning. And a match to play.

::: We started this together, that's how we finish it :::

I don't really know what happenend.The whole 30 minutes just suck. The referees..I'm damn angry with them at that point of time..this shouldn't come out from a sportsman mouth...but I really hate the way they umpired the game. And so the logic thing is to play according to his level of strictness. But then I didn't and so.. a lot of mistakes...I should say the whole team had their share of mistakes.

Somehow I felt the negativity was going to set in..even a few days before the game.

I had the feeling that the punishment was coming. Why? Because we talk big. I tried not to. But I did. And so did the rest of the team. And now I feel shame. But what's worse is fear. We have to turn the tables around and slammed westwood hard. We have to have a fantastic scoreline with a goal difference of about at least 7. We must. In order for us to have more chances in getting into the semis. I believed the people ''up there'' are trying to show us some values. Never ever boast and degrade other people. That's something very wrong. It happened evrywhere in the world. And it happened over and over again. People think that they are better than others. They believe that they are the most powerful. Well, the actual notion is that we should always at all times, believe that someone out there is better than us..and..someone out there too is lower than us. In that way, we can improve ourselves. So people become arrogant and they fall. Look at the allies during the period of WWs...the fall of empires was due to that wrong perception that others can never be better than us..we are untouchable, indestructible. And it happened to the hockey team before. We met swiss cottage last year. We didn't get to get the scoreline we wanted. Even though we won, it wasn't a good game. We were taking the opponents too lightly. If we were to be punished, I think we could have lost.

And then it rained...drizzle at first and then heavy rain. Visibilty was pulled down to as low as 10%. I was getting more anxious. the whole team was frustrated because we couldn't play the way we wanted to. The kind of play we had before, in the previous game. It wasn't totally because of the rain. it was us. The only people to be blamed was us. We are now receiving our retribution. Retribution to being arrogant. Talk big. We made it out to be so simple. Go in there, thrash them. However, westwood proved their worth. They were more organized than us, despite low skill level. We were...undescribable. The defence was on the verge of breaking down. The formation was bad. i was touching more balls and that is a bad sign. Sucks...the game just sucks. We have to buck up.

And the rain...on the first instance I take it that its a sign of bad luck. But then it was a Friday. In Islam its considered as a ''rahmat''..a gift God. And so I took up that logic instead of cursing the rain and blaming that for our rotten performance. And wallah. The rain turned out to be a chance for us. A chance for us to repent and reflect on ourselves. Once your mind has that mindset of other people being lower than you, it is automatic that you'll be complacent and rather not fully ready. At least a little. But for us it was a lot. nevertheless we are given another chance. this time no more shit and nonsense. we must be very careful, as if we are facing the powerhouses.

30 more minutes worth of chances. We must put in at least 7. Thursday morning, we shall settle this unfinished business. And we shall settle it well. It's not too late, yet.

::: Fighting in the rain ::::

Sigh.Sigh.Sigh. I pity you but I will never regret what I had done a few hours ago. I've sent say two missiles over. You should have received one of them already. I am your friend. So i have to be like one. even though my actions will actually hurt you but you must keep in mind that this is for your own good. You're out of your mind do you know that? Why did you over stepped the border? Now you've coerced me into the war. I've no choice but to fight it...I side the right thing and the truth...unfortunately, you are not on my side. Ive tried to discourage your acts. I didn't want to interfere your personal stuff. But you have forced me to do this. You have dragged me in. Why in the freaking hell are you cutting your own throat? Why? Im sure you're intelligent enough to not do it. Maybe you can't control yourself. So did I do enough on my part to prevent you from getting too far? Did I? Maybe I was letting you go. I somehow felt that this is going to happen...I can't really bear with it. When SHE called, I know that I'm going to be in a rage. I was almost seething with anger. Why must you get me involved? Huh? It's not that I don't want to help. But you are putting me in a terribly difficult position. I've seen signs of deterimentals in you. Going out of hand. Changing ''personality''. Skipping CCA. Putting her on top of everything else was a bloody wrong decision. Hey wake up damn it..wake up!!!! You are not only causing harm to yourself but to others else well..especially people who really care for you...and you've been given alarms on this, you were given ample warnings....why don't you amend your mistakes? Why damn it?? I know its hard to suppress your emotional needs but have you spare a thought for those who really really loves you? Damn it sometimes love hurts. Not only to a couple but to the people around it. For a moment i wanted to blame ur partner but then the problem lies in you. Im telling you this. You better wake up before something worse happens. Youve broken someone's heart and you really should try to get it back...i reminded you..gave you advice..you didn't heed..i told myself fine..probably you can handle it carefully but instead youre doing damage. If you want to do these type of thing...do it cleverly...HOWEVER..I'm not encouraging you to do it still..cus this is under table method...nasty..cunning...Wake up alright. Wake up. I can't be bothered anymore.

Who in the freaking hell spoilt my ncc badges????!!!! Ok lar..actually I'm not that angry but im really amazed by what you have done to my badges..I don't know who did it..how it was done..cuz it was really seem to be impossible.my badge was bend..and when I tried bending it back..I needed the hammer!!! Woah this is really a mystery...luckily my mt ophir badge wasn't spoilt..it was the most valuable one..i really treasure it..cuz it represents my committment and wits..

Lately, i don't know why but I tend to make pple laugh and make myself laugh too. I really don't know why am i so ''sensitive''. Laugh too easily. But its good. I feel happy. relieved. And it feels great. Keep my hopes pretty high up. And during CME lesson..man yi ting you really know how to get back at me don't you? During CME class we, the class had to give each other words of encouragement and this was roughly what Yi ting gave me.."Keep working so that you won' tbe single next valentine." haha.. i really laugh off it..ok lar..i know i'm not that great but no need to tell me rite..I know..hahaz..so funny...then mdm ros go and fire it up some more...say something about deluding yourself when getting rejected by someone..tell yourself things like " she's not worthy of you" bla bla bla..hahaz really funny..smiled when I recalled back the lesson..and now CME is on marriage...and I'm getting the teases again..haha..nevermind as long as its funny...hahaz

Kamu telah berjaya mengusuti benakku. Aku tak tahu apa yang harus aku fikirkan. Sehingga pening kepala aku dibuatnya. Hatiku berkecamuk. Jiwaku memberontak. Aku tidak dapat menetapkan hatiku. Kenapa kamu memberi perhatian terhadap perkara-perkara bersangkut paut dengan ku? Adakah ia tanda? Aku tidak tahu. Terlalu banyak tanda tany bermain di kolam fikiranku. Semoga suatu hari nanti, aku dapat tahu apa sebenarnya yang engkau rasakan. Jangan letak aku dalam permainan ini lagi. Tiada haluan. Layr berpandu angin masa. Sungguh indah wajahmu. Namun aku tahu ia lebih cantik di dalammu.

::: Ceasefire :::

Craps. CSS goalpost had just been shotgun today. Once. But still it doesn't change the fact that the team is not virgin anymore. ok..i'm starting to talk rubbish here..let's look back into today's game of valentine's agains monk's hill. We gave them 2 roses, but they only gave us 1. Thanks. We appreciate it.

Already felt stressed even before i gather with the rest of the hockey boys yesterday afternoon. I was like stoned. Really lack of hope and confidence. Really thought that we couldn't make it a win. Felt sian..

Stepped into the battlefield. Here we are again. First match of the tournament. Man i felt jitters as I stepped in. Frankly speaking I wasn't really feeling up beat. 1st half was good. We scored in one. We were winning. but then there were still the other half.

being the last man..you get the most tension apart from the goalkeeper.and that was what I was feeling the whole time.man it sucks when you feel like you are on the edge. plus, i wasnt motivated. Shit..shit and more shit...the defence was good..i kept their shape..made the opponent's life harder...shahid did great..but well ur mistake bro..was kind of deadly..nevertheless we win as a team and lose as a team..i was part of the mistake too yar..

so how does it feel like to see a ball rushing past towards you in a split second? Well it sucks. this part i have to say the defenders were kind of in a straight line..one behind another...and damn it i couldnt see it coming on time..view blocked..the first word was shit...luckily the umpire didnt heard me..

well after that i got instant signs of displeasure by one of the guys..''i told you not to be complacent rite.." ok lar..i had nothing to say..i know we conceded one...and that makes it a draw at that time..so then i was like..syamil..snapped out of it. and so i did..the monks had an attempt at us again..and yeah...i saved that one though it resulted in a penalty corner..fast ball..but never faster than my response..muahahaa..you tot it was a gol..well it wasnt bcause i was there...go to hell...and man one of you boys dirtied our d area by that f word...shall remember this..my seet revenge...

::: Rains of fire :::

GEE...i had double date today..i think its supposed to be meant for valentines? haha..aniwaez..felt kind of battered for the past few days..a lot of failed missions..well at least something was done on my part to amend them..so today..or rather yesterday was my break day, zero activities pertaining to academics...

wah..from a last day plan to last minute plan...it has broken the record man...i've never experienced such a rapid change of plans..so who's to be blame huh? dont look at me..its out of my reach...luckily it didnt turn out to be bad...at least i got to catch a movie...haha..anyway its break day..so give yourself a break yar...hahahaz..

anyway its the changes which had led me to having a double date. I met my ''2nd girlfriend in my vicinity...but u dont look so nice leh...wad did they do to you..at that time just walking back from ntu..feeling kinda of tired but then upon seeing ''her''...rejoice...oh yar..double date rite? den met my 1st gf at bukit batok while waiting at the bus stop...wah...u seduced memanz...still dare to swoosh past me...this time look better...black my definiton for a ''cool'' colour...

so den watched constantine with haikal n nic...had ''lunch'' before that...the story line kinda of confusing..but still can comprehend I supposed. keanu reeves is cool. he really is..haha..he's e kind who can show emotions but at e same time show his coolness...damn he's good.and i like the way he talk back to other people and how he handles them...even though they're not morally right...yeah, he gave 2 middle fingers throughout the show...i hope i wont have to apply this to real life..haha..mayb sometimes huh? who wants to be the first customer?

there were some parts which i can kind of remember...one of them was when he was at home,he was smoking when there was a spider crawling on the table and then he took an empty glass n put on top of the spider..trapping it..den he blow some smoke into the glass after which he said.." welcome to my life''..man that was humorous and cool..

2nd one was when he and angela was in the bathroom..angela wanted to c how hell was like and so they have to go through some sort of procession..then came to this part before the procession..angela asked john(keanu reeves) whether she needs to take her clothes off..then john was like closed eyes and silence...then angela asked the second time..''john?..'' n then the third time i think beforre he gave a response..'' im thinking''..man that was funny and cool...yeah i tink he's the only actor that captures my attention..

another part is when keanu reeves were to be taken to heaven and was be ing sort of hold back by this guy in white..some kind of angel i think..then this guy went to grab john's neck and guess wad did john do? he pointed a middle finger..man that is like so cool...

how many times did i use the word cool?

::: Asshole :::

This was written in a notebook a few days ago..shall just jot them down..need to get use to using my malay language again...amyway tis is dated days ago...

Pagi ini, aku menghidupkan komputer membaca semula perbualan-perbualan ku di msn. Inilah satu-satunya cara aku menyalakan kembali semangat perjuangan untuk terus hidup. Setidak-tidaknya aku dapat memainkan semual pita rakaman di benakku. Aku berasa gembira dan tenang apabila menyaksikan tayangan-tayangan itu semula. Entah berapa baanyak kali telah aku mengulanginya. Engkaulah yang telah menguatkan semangat untuk meneruskan kehidupan ini, bersamping dengan kehendak Ilahi. Aku tahu inin tidak patut tetapi inilah sebenar-benarnya. Aku tidak boleh menipu diriku mahupun Tuhan.

Dari detik mula lagi aku sudah dapat menyangkakan. Kamu akan menyalahanggap diriku. Aku cuba sedaya upaya untuk memberithau yang sebenarnya tetapi ia tidak berhasil. Engkau sudah salah sangka. Aku bukan seperti apa yang engkau sangkakan. Aku tak pernah berniat malah tidak merasa sedikit pun, lebih tinggi dan baik dari orang-orang di sekelilingku. Aku tidak pernah mempunyai keinginan untuk menguasai sesiapa. Aku sekadar mahu membaiki keadaan. Dan aku tidak pernah memandang rendah terhadap perempuan. Tidak pernah buruk sangka terhadap kaum hawa. Kita semua makhluk tuhan. Manusia. Insan. Kita memerlukan satu sama lain. Aku tidak pernah merasa gagah. Kalimat itu adalah semata-mata untuk memberi iktibar kepada seorang kawan. Ia hanya sekadar visi supaya pemilihannya adalah yang terbaik untuk dirinya. Sesungguhnya, kata-kata itu tiada kesan.Malah ia menghantar mesej yang lain kepada orang lain.Kalimat itu telah mengakibatkan kamu untuk membina sebuah ideologi bahawa aku da agamaku akan dicemari jika aku mempunyai seorang kekasih. Memang ia silapku. Aku tidak berterus terang. Islam tidak pernah melarang umatnya untuk berkasih sayang. kamu berfikir jika aku mempunyai kekasih, aku akan mengalami kesan-kesan buruk. Tetapi inin tidak dapat diimplikasikan kepada semua situasi. Apa yang aku perlukan ialah kekasih yang bertimbang rasa dan dapat memahami kesempitan situasi.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Recently, Ive come to realize something. I am proud to be a Singaporean. Proud to be who I am. Where i come from. To be more specific i feel proud to be a malay muslim. Ok lar...this is rather *toot* i think..but truthfully that is what i've been feeling. i'm not so ashamed of who i am. I found that there are good points from which i come from. My origin and so on. Especially after i've read that story..heard of black hawk down? I was told that it was because of the bravery of the soldiers from Regimen Angkatan Diraja Melayu. the soldiers from malaysia working under the UN at that point of time. And not because of the bravery of the US soldiers. as a result Malaysia has actually banned the screening of the movie. its because its army has not been recognited and the recognition has gone to the names of the US soldiers. The story is like this...

During the late 1990s, the US soldiers under the UN has taken over Somalia. there was this force called the delta force. their based in Somalia got surrounded by 2 local armies belonging to 2 different warlords. So the delta force was under attacked and then 2 Black Hawk helicopters were sent to extract them and bring them to safety. However the mission failed and everything went wrong. Thus the RADM decided to go in and helped. As what have been told by me, the armies of warlords immediately flee upon seeing the RADM soldiers. And it is believed that the Malays have a reputation of being fierce and persistent people. In the process, two sergeants and 1 captain from the RADM was killed in action(K.I.A). That's basically the reason why i feel proud to be myself. And this reminds me of Lt. Adnan, our local war hero from the WW2.

oh manz..so sad..going to spend 14th of february on the battlefield. To my dear hockey stick, can you be my valentine?

::: It takes courage to love :::

i really hate myself now...oh shit..ohhhhh shit...ive written something wrong in my last sunday's entry which is dated on the 6th of feb..arghhh...that statement!!! ok...i admit that i was wrong...its not that i dun understand but its just that i plainly forget the facts and my english command sucks!!! wrong words used thus they painted a whole different picture...i know im very slow only to spot the mistake now...that is like 48 hrs after ive submittd that entry....no wonder ur so pissed...i'm really sorry...ok you don't hate her..i'll stuck that thing in my head...so now i will remove that freaking statement frm that entry cuz its not a fact...its not the truth..its wrong...oh manz...words are really powerful..i'm so going to hate myself...ARGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

::: Words can kill :::

wow..didn't expect my last yr in this school to be so enriching. really. altho bad stuff are happening..well i'll like to learn from them...hopefully my brain is good enuf to sustain it...hav i mentioned that im pretty bad at remembering things...in one way its good cuz then i don't hav to remember bad stuff..haha..but i don't mean to say that i dun hav any bad memories...

one request...

"please stop fighting and be happy"

yeah...im so darn sick with ppl trying to prove that they are right and their theories hold and bla bla bla...tired of looking at people fighting whether its with words, acts, bombs and what hav you...

pretty ironic..yeah today's last lesson was with miss lim and she gave out her thoughts on whats happening to the class...found most of them to be true...but can you believe it? i've forgotten what she've said...perhaps they are things that i've heard before and that means that it doesnt' have any impact thus no space for storage...oh yar..i havent got to the ironic part yet...

then i went for hmt class...man its geting pretty hot nowadays..i was so damn sleeepy...i shuldnt hav eaten a lot cuz eating makes me feel sleepy...ok so..reached there early and then sit...arghhh so sleepy!!!..hahaz..then mr senan was like joking with us...he always jokes...very nice man...but you hav to give him ur attention in class by not toking or else he would get angry...mayb not really angry but more of irritated...well i won't digress anymore...so then he was like happily joking and then said that we studetns and teachers should be happy togehter and maintain a good relationship...and man he's damn funny...i appreciate it sir..u really made my day even tho it was nearing to the end...

lahabau- dunno wads the definition ( use in sarawak)..meant to be something offensive i think...

terkencet_dalca_bu bor cha cha_goreng pisang_

merepek_marhaban

sorry if you dun understand...but really he was so humorous...

hmm..recently got a few things in mind...oh manz...so now ur seeing it? no u want to be free? no im not mocking at you now...i just feel..i dunno..sad? sympathize?...well now ur in it, get out of it..i know its not simple..im not implying that its simple...nobody said it is simple...there are ways to be ''free''. you can do it in the most cruel way or u can use the least hurting one...all ways would be hurting by the way...im not goin to tell you how..this is ur problem...its best you handle it ur way cuz there might be some things which i may not know...so you said i was right...so now my advice is dun get too uptight about it...dun think of the past that much..dun start regretting..it's of no use...but of course u shuldnt be repeating this mistake in the latter part of ur life..whatever mistake that is..anyway..this is merely juz an advice..

things are getting more coincidental nowadays....learnt something new through islam..that we ppl..each of us has responsibilities..as in many many different responsibilities..towards may different people and so on..so its our duty to ''serve'' others and help them in whatever way we can...perhaps im getting to fast on it..perhaps i was overdoing it...it was all done on impulse..some of you might say that that's the worst thing that you could do...do things on impulse....well all i can say is that sometimes it is better off being followed...i was hoping really to the extend of prayin that you could see the true meaning of life..but its not within my capabilities to bring it forward to you...i want u to know some things but its not simple to express them out..its too intricate and plus...im not in any position to tell u all of them...i may hav upset you and im really sorry about it..but regret is not a substitute equation for sorry...

yar..its working..i've learn to laugh more and it made life a bot more brighter...no arguments about life sometimes being sucky...hurtful..depressing...however a little chuckle can light up ur day a little..at least...better than nothing...

i've just realize that its better to lead by example rather than giving too many pep talks..there is a sertious problem with advising people..when u give advices and pep talks..you have to make sure that you urself are following them..and make sure you dont make the mistakes that you have asked others not to...so it is probably better to talk less and show more...cus ppl are also easily influenced by other's actions...

i've come to think that many students nowadays lack the mutual respect that are supposed to be given to teachers...teachers, grown-ups...they have more experiences..yar its true that sometimes that they are wrong..no denial against that but in such cases u should just receive their thoughts and then u decide on your own whether to use them...if u find its wrong..fine..u live ur own life..nothing really wrong with that except that some things..some..are clearly wrong..clear cut...don't try to come up with new thngs to rebutt them or what so ever..what's wrong is wrong...what's right is right...one of the significance change when a toddler evolves into a young teen is that he or she is able to see what's right and wrong..if not..ur still a toddler in mind...

oh manz..first hockey match is against monk's hill..let's bring them down people...not easy...never easy...

i will spent valentines day with my hockey stick..anyway i dont celebrate valentines day...i love people everyday...

hmm..juz want to add something what brother Hatta said recently..." they are grieving about not having parents and here we are grieving about not having girlfriend" hahaz..its kind of funny...it really opened up my mind...

::: they chase what we own. we chase what they have :::

the past week had been kind of great...except for the change in cm and its ramifications..nevertheless...i hope she has good intentions behind all her ''cruelty'' acts..true enough i dont like her being our cm coz that will create a domino of problems...well i've been taught to accept and make the best with wad i have so this is just another one of them..

wow..i actually did 3 parts of public speaking in 2 days...i mean i dont hav tt kind of self-esteem to pull such a feat..but lo and behold i did it...the first one was on social studies...that one was impromptu...i just decided to stand up and walk up to the front of the class..no hei wai i wouldnt want to be as loud as i am when i am in the pitch...i still want to us the mike...hahaz..then i thnk it was the day after tt me n my grp had to teach the class on english...yar..i was quite happy with my group cus they managed to interject some humour to the class..i know that the class was like down since morning...thus i shall bring it up here and now..

the class sitting arrangement...hmm...i don't actually agree in changing the class sitting arrangement in the first place...but i wasn't there during the class committee meeting to violently reject that idea...cuz i had to be off to my higher mother tongue class...i didn't even know that they were going to dicusss abt tt...anyway come last friday...i should say many didn't like the change...i'll share wad actually happened the day before...

it was thursday and after lesson ends, some of the class and i decorated the class and at the same time discussed about the sitting plan...by that time it was already decided that the class sitting arrangement will change so i have no say...the only thing that i could do was to give ideas on putting ppl..i admit i was behaving rather crazily tt time but my concious was there and definitely i was thinking straight...i was among them who arranged who to sit where..it wasn't only thomas and xiao qian...there were others and believe me our intentions are good.. we even decided to spread the boys out and we try to put ppl in such a way that either their academic or social issues with others will improve...it was my idea nic to put where u are now...i know that it had upset you...try to make up all right..at first i even had the idea of putting you two side by side but then i think again and decided that it wasn't safe so we put xy in between and ps and mq in ur proximity...but i guess it didn't came across our minds that we shouldn't put u ppl at the front...anyway...i know that this will upset u futher and ruin ur upcoming cny and b'day...so sorry gal...but i have to say this since i regard u as my friend...u have to learn to adapt...no matter how tough it is...but of course if its only for ur own good...if it was for the sake of bad intentions then take out ur katana and ur welcome to kill whoever it is...so sorry again...

::: Keep ur anger at bay :::