Ya. That's how I'm feeling. Actually, I'm too fucked up to even type about this.


I feel deceived being drawn into this place. It doesn't feel like a family at all. Not to all but a few. I guess when God pulls up your strength somewhere, another part is being brought down.


I thought when I commit myself into this, I would actually enjoy what I'm doing. Well, that does not seem to be the case. I realized I am more unhappy rather than happy. Yes, I'm aware of the responsibilities. I'm aware of the burden. But what I do not expect are the constrains that are set.


The job itself is demanding so to speak. Planning ahead. Thinking far. Taking care of EVERYTHING. Wow. It sounds like some honorable job. But in actual fact, a lot of mental and emotional battles takes place. A lot of shit are thrown at you. Crude comments. No understanding or compromises from people that I thought would understand.


I suppose this is a glimpse of the fucked up side of the real world. Which shows the fucked up people of the world.


I don't know if anyone had told you this. Leadership is not in the textbook. Leadership is never a one road only. You have your style and I have mine. Yes, some things are to be done in certain way. But definitely not everything. I have been tolerating your direct and frank remarks. I am not rebutting strongly because I'm trying to accept your feedback in a positive manner. And to tell you the truth, I have little respect for you. No matter how high you succeed in your academic and what not, I still don't see you as an example that I would follow.


I was offered to take up this position. And I was and am still bewildered on why you guys chose me to be in this position. When you guys have only met me for the first time. When you guys know that I didn't even have history regarding these things. And when you threw me into the team, all of us were noobs. Only a few are experienced. And these people don't offer me much help, sometimes even co-operation are hard to get. So, is it wrong that I do things this way? During the interview, I've already mentioned, I am the kind when given the role, I don't see myself as being above the rest. I represent the team. I would like them to provide their own feedback and we work together and decide together as one. Having said along those lines during the interview, J understood what I meant. And now I wonder whether you do.


I don't see them as my slaves for goodness sake. True, they are my subordinates. But I don't push people around. I would like to earn my respect, and not demand it. You guys talk about being family and bonded but if I were to control and order these people, then how can there be a chance to bond. I respect those people who have been around you. For their tolerance on your behaviour. For their understanding. I'm sure you yourself know about this more than anyone else. Because you did mention it before. But what's the use of words when your actions speak a different thing?


I will enjoy more without you around. I will listen to your feedback. That's all I would do. Listen.


I don't want to cause a stir. Because I don't see this place worth fighting for. I'm doing my best here simply because that's how I am. I will see you soon. And I can't promise it will end in a good way. We'll see. Hopefully, my tolerance is still there. Control the outbursts of emotions.


Anyway, congrats on successfully making my mood a little sour tonight. Choose your words wisely. That's all the advice I can give you. But then again, I'm sure you already know that.