Today's day at work was a bit more unusual.


The guy I thought was a Malay is named Jason. (But he speaks Malay...quite fluently...)


And he knows my uncle who works at the same building too.


And I talked more to the guys who were working there.


And I must say this...books...can kill...really...


And when we started work today, we were quite fast to the extent that there was left with little work for us to do just after lunch. Our work was to retrieve books from a hell lot of shelves by following a list given. So like I've mentioned...we completed the job pretty fast. Then came the final blow which really flattened me and Wilson...2000 plus books...to be retrieved...and export to Saudi Arabia...damn far lo....wth...and the quantity damn humungous lo...and expected time to pick up completely is 477 mins. And that was the last job for the day...and you know what the guy told Wilson? Work slowly....hahaz...and the job still haven't finish lo...going to continue tomorrow....The longest job that I've came across so far...


And as the new year begins, I would like to wrap things up. On my side, I will cease all operations if the response is what I am expecting. Any other way, I'm fine.


I really, really, really want to talk this out. TALK. But the situation doesn't permits despite whatever efforts I've put in and I won't channel any more energy on something that won't produce anything.


So, this is my last resort. I've decided to blog it down.


Because I have kept it too long a time. I have to let it off my chest.


And also because I want the matter to be resolved.


I doubt you still even think about it. Anyway, I'm going to switch to burst-fire mode now. So here goes.


I am really sorry that you're hurt.


But due to the lack of knowledge or rather the truth of the situation, I was being forced into such emotions-having to dislike you and everything.


But look at it this way, if any of the events that had lt up to what it is right now were to be singled out, then I guess the turnout wouldn't be something close to the truth being revealed to me.


I guess that the pain you felt was necessary in order for us to arrive at this juncture. Don't get me wrong. I don't want you to be hurt, or any other person for that matter. It is just that I believe, everything happens for a reason, be it good or bad, hurtful or not.


Imagine if I were to hide my dislike for you, putting up a facade, only ACTING to be nice to you, only to appear to be clear of things that had happened, only to ACT as if I didn't feel anything, wouldn't that be worse? At times, I have to let my emotions run free and only control it to a certain extent. Bottomline is: Things won't be okay if I had not done what I did.


You thought you made yourself clear when you said " we were'nt ready for anything". My comprehension was that we were'nt ready for a relationship. but I didn't expect you to discard away everything else such as your feelings for me etc. did you?


For the while of June holidays or more I can't remember, I thought we were still "together emotionally" when in actual fact, yo have left and me being the bloody fool, clinged on to you. I feel very down right stupid.


And when I was slapped with reality, the truth, I was shaken with anger. I could still remember that very day. I was with Hafiza and Wilson at Jurong East library and they told me that they had known about your "departure" way before. A long time ago they said. The words still linger in my ears. Instantaneously, I was raging ith fury. I felt "cheated", played upon, downgraded, humiliated, looked down and what so ever. It was as if my feelings are not being respected at all. Till now, thinking about it still aches my heart. I felt like shit. Its not about the fact that you left me that contributed much to the pain but the thought, the impression that you left me without a proper word. I'm sorry to say this but you weren't honest enough with me.


And then it became worse because obviously I will bound to see you almost everyday since we're in the same class. I was practically feeling lousy for almost everyday and what the hell, the "O"s are coming and I still can't get the matter off my mind. I can teel you for sure, every school day was like a living hell to me. Sometimes I don't even feel like going to school. I can't emphasize any more how much it hurts. For a while, I was in really bad shape. The Malays would term it as " Frust Menonggeng" Damn I hate it when it has to be used on me. I ahd mood swings everyday and for some time, the people around me like my sitting partners, Pei Yan, Thandar and Nisah had to put up with my nonsense. I really thank them for being concern about me, being patient and all but at that time, nothing could had been done to make me feel any better. I'm sorry if I had given them a hard time. I was jsut too weak.


It was especially difficult when I had too push myself away from exploiting the chances presented to me to hurt you. I managed to refrain myself from doing so but I knew too that there were times when I did say things that were directed to you. If it hurts you, all I can say is I'm sorry. Overwhelmed by revenge.


One more thing that fueled my anger at that moment was this thought: If it was made clear to me about the things you have just written in your blog before June, I would have been able to recuperate during the holidays and be mentally prepared when school started again. But no, that was not what happened. To me, the June holidays had been a waste. But still, I believe, it still boils back down to me, not being able to handle it well...for getting in too deep....for making myself that vulnerable. In the end it was still my mistake, my responsibility. I don't blame anyone.


After a while, I was determined to rise above the contemporaries. I came up with an underlying objective: To forget about you totally and to kill my feelings for you. So off I went, living the days with such a notion in mind. i avoided you on purpose. I made you invisible in my eyes. Whenever I could, I would stay away from you. I cut off all communicatons as much as possible. I gave myself a certain radius as to how much you can come close to me. It worked but the progress was slow and painful for me. Then, I came up with an idea. Why not make myself dislike you? Why not make it a driving force? So I picked out all your flaws that I see and smacked it right in front of me. I psychoed and brainwashed myself. I kept on lying and lying to myself. I allowed it because wtf, I ahve tosave my sorry ass and pick myself up. But deep down inside, I know thigns are different but I had no choice but to bury them.


But I guess..things are different now,


Since you have came out with that explanation.


Frankly speaking, most of the things that you wrote are unknown to me,even for some of the thingd you claim you have told me. When I read what you wrote, everything turn out to be much better for me. Thanks....


And I concluded that, neither one of us are to be blamed for our respective hurtful periods in life. It was the lack and poor communication, the different perceptions of things that brought about all this. It is unfair to put the blame either onto you or me.


Just to let you know, you were accepted and still are. Never before did I hate your personality. I don't resent you for being yourself.


When you had your tough times during SYF, thinking about which to give up, you should have come and talked to me. In late March, I even offered to take you out and talk things out but you turned me down. If that day were to happen, it might have been easier on you, but I believe you have your own reasons for not accepting the offer. It might be easier on you because I would have supported you in your decision. I would tell you to concentrate on your SYF instead of us. I would have told you to heck care about me for the time being. We would have come up with something...maybe like letting you concentrate on your SYF first and maybe later on then we figure out about us. I know band is an important slice of your life. I understand how much it means to you, your dreams and aspirations. Because I have them too....


So I've typed what I wanted to say.


Now whatever happens next is not up to me.


Sorry if I have spoilt the new year.